I am experiencing the after-effects of a broken engagement and I blame only myself for it. Why should I blame God? He gave me happiness for one month only to take it away in a jiffy. Why should I blame the guy who tried to take revenge on me? He just wanted me to feel what he had been feeling when I had broken his heart. Why should I blame the man who was going to be my husband? Maybe he was just finding it difficult to trust me or take a stand for me. Why should I blame my bad luck when all this happened to me? I have nobody else to blame except myself.
I trusted blindly. I got attached easily. I expected a lot. I loved unconditionally.
The guy who apparently claimed that he loved me couldn’t make it to my future. So he decided to take revenge on me. He sent our pictures and chats to my fiancé’s father.
No one was ready to trust me at all after that. I realized that I could not change the thought process of other people.
Arranged marriages have a predefined format in our society. They had proof in hand. They had decent and indecent pictures of me. So they called off the engagement.
My ex-boyfriend not only broke the trust that I had in him but also embarrassed and humiliated me in front of so many families. Not all people end up paying such a heavy price for loving or trusting someone so dearly.
But when feelings of anger and revenge linger in someone’s heart – every other feeling loses out.
Karma is a bitch. What goes around comes around. Everything is cyclical. It is only when we decide to deal with certain matters in our own way that God becomes vindictive.
I thought such things happened just in television shows. I was wrong about this. When someone takes revenge – several people end up paying a heavy price for it. I was blackmailed and threatened when I got engaged. He said that he will break my marriage. And he made it happen within a few weeks of the Roka.
I managed to sleep peacefully on the day my engagement was called off because I was no longer living in fear or with guilt in my heart.
But thereafter every night, I would lie down with my eyes closed and give in to my imagination. I would create hypothetical situations in my mind and have dreamy conversations with my ex-fiancé. He had been leading a happy life until this happened. Unfortunately, he ended up suffering the most for no real fault of his.
He thought that his wife would be a clean slate. But then my ex proved to him that I had already been scribbled upon and then had been cleaned up for him.
Of course what matters the most to me is that I had wanted to start my life afresh with him. I had wanted to begin a new chapter of my life with my fiancé.
But I was wrong in my thinking. He had wanted to start a new book altogether – not just a chapter.
I had not broken his trust in any manner. I had not cheated on him or double dated anyone else after getting engaged with him. But I had failed to do one thing.
I couldn't tell him about my past.
So every night I wished I had told him about my past. I wished I had told him this and that. I wished I could rewind my life and get him back in my life because he was no less than perfect in my eyes. We were so perfect for each other. I had been able to connect very well with him in just one month.
I knew that I had not been able to connect so deeply with anyone else in the past.
Maybe this perfect man would never be mine in this birth. Maybe he had just come into my life to remove the mask from that guy’s face – the guy who had taken revenge on me. The guy who had wanted me to feel what he had felt. The guy who had wanted me to go through all that he had gone through. He had wanted me to know how it felt when our dreams are shattered. He had wanted me to know how it felt to plan a future with someone and not see it come true. Yes, I did feel all this and much more.
I am still going through a lot of heartache and am very anxious about my future. Often I get the urge to kill myself. I am plagued by a sense of incompleteness because I get the feeling that I have lost everyone who could have been a part of my future family.
But I can only blame myself for all that I am going through.
Difficult times teach you a lot of lessons in life.
We get to know who our true well-wishers are. They are the only people who stand by us no matter what. We don’t know how to thank God enough for the supportive family, friends and siblings that we have. We then realize that all the pain is actually worth our while.
Life is unfair and the world can be mean. We don’t always get what we want.
But I know that someday I will find the guy who thinks that the stories of my past are a part of my history. I know that he will judge me based on my present and my expectations for our future. I know that someday I will find the man who will see life from my perspective.
He may not seem like my Prince Charming. But he will be my knight in shining armour.
I know I have to wait patiently for that day because one such man has been created for me and exists somewhere on this planet. Our paths just need to intersect and they will at the right time.
Despite experiencing all this – I continue to respect both the guys. They may not be a part of my life anymore. But the first one added beautiful memories to my life in a year and the other in just a month. The future will definitely reveal if going away from me was a stroke of fortune or misfortune for them.
Maybe not getting what I actually wanted will eventually turn out to be a stroke of luck for me!