He Threatened To Kill Me If I Divorced Him But I Refused to Fall Into His Trap Again
I am a typical Indian girl from a higher middle-class family. My family always asked me to focus on my studies. The result was a good education record with admission into one of the top engineering colleges and a job in hand before graduating from college.
My parents said that I needed to study well and get a good job so that I could be independent and lead a better life.
What they didn't tell me was that for girls, choosing a good life partner was more important than building a career.Share this quote
I'd been working for 3 years when my parents said that it was time for me to get married and they started looking for a groom. Much like any other girl, I had several dreams about my marriage.
I dreamed of a well-educated, well-mannered, handsome and romantic husband.Share this quote
Within a month, one of our neighbours got a proposal from one of their relatives. Both the families met at my uncle’s house. The guy and I talked for 10-15 minutes in private and within 2 hours, the alliance was confirmed. As they were related to our relatives, all the inquiries were made and they appeared to be a good family.
Everyone was satisfied with the family and their status but no one bothered to inquire about the guy.Share this quote
We got engaged after a month and had a courtship period of 4 months. I had never spoken to any guy nor did I have brothers or male friends, so I didn’t know how to judge a guy or deal with him.
My fiancé and I would talk over the phone but we rarely met. We had a few fights when he bothered me about unnecessary things. I’d get upset but he’d immediately convince me saying that he was pissed because the marriage was getting delayed.
I was so frustrated with our frequent fights that I told my mom to cancel the wedding. My mother tried to reason that our quarrels were due to his inferiority complex as I earned more than him.
She was confident that things would get better after we got married.Share this quote
I hoped for the same and eventually, we got married. Exactly a week after the wedding, he came home drunk. It was past midnight and he started yelling at me and abusing my parents. He threw me out of the house and I was forced to stay outside for 2 hours, begging him to let me in. That was just the beginning. Often, he would throw away the food that I cooked for silly reasons.
He would find new excuses to skip work every day. His credit card bills were overdue and I had to pay them from the day we got married. I was expected to run the family on my salary. After a month of our marriage, he had a problem with his bones and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I found out that he had this problem for the past 2-3 years and his bones were damaged due to excessive drinking.Share this quote
We had to get him operated and he was advised to rest for 3 months. He cannot walk properly even today and will not be able to do so for the rest of this life.
I stood by him through the tough times thinking that it was my duty to support him.Share this quote
After he resumed work, he was back to drinking again. He would drink even during office hours and one day, he met with an accident while returning home. This time he fractured his leg and was on bed rest for 2 months. That was when my parents got to know of his habits and suggested that I file for divorce.
But I was scared to be tagged as a divorcee.Share this quote
Both the families decided to intervene and find a solution. His parents promised us that their son would change his ways.
The irony was that his parents were well aware of their son’s unstable behavior, yet they believed that marriage would change him.Share this quote
My daily routine started with cooking and doing the household work, going to the office and returning back to cook again. My husband would lock me in the room as soon as I cooked the food. I was not allowed to come out of my room until morning.
He would sit in the other room, watch porn and drink through the night.Share this quote
There were days when he spoke normally for an hour but would soon go back to yelling and quarrelling for small reasons like not preparing a particular curry or talking to his female cousin whom he didn’t like.
There was a point when I doubted that he was a gay or he had an affair. I also thought that there was something lacking in me.Share this quote
However, I realized that he was wrong because he treated his parents and his brother in the same way. Everyone in his house was scared of him, as they couldn’t predict what he’d do in the very next minute. The first year of my marriage was filled with his atrocities, going to hospitals and taking care of him.
Then I was given an opportunity to travel abroad for work. I didn’t want to take him with me but he threatened to defame my family and divorce me.
I convinced myself that moving away would bring a change in him and we’d finally have a normal relationship.Share this quote
Unfortunately, the situation worsened and he started physically abusing me. He’d lock me in a room for hours and I had to tolerate all this while still going to work, as I was the sole breadwinner. One evening, my neighbours heard me screaming and they called the cops.
I had to convince the cops that I was fine because he threatened to harm my parents.Share this quote
Then he locked me in a room and when I came out to use the restroom, he threw cold water on me. It was the peak of winter. He didn’t let me sleep and took away my mobile too.
He made sure that I was unable to communicate with anyone.Share this quote
Somehow, I managed to record his actions and as soon as he fell asleep, I escaped. I went to a friend’s home from where we called the cops. They warned him and restricted him from talking to me or coming near me. He was told to vacate our house.
Though he left the house, he kept calling me. He pleaded guilty and tried to change my mind in all possible ways. But it was too late. I had suffered a lot and could not take it anymore.
He had a psychological problem but he never admitted it nor did he agree to attend counseling.Share this quote
One of his college friends who was our neighbour confirmed that he had this problem since college. He was shocked that I’d agreed to marry him. I pitied myself. I decided to file for divorce.
When we informed him of my decision, he tried everything from pleasing me to threatening to kill my family and me.Share this quote
He hoped that one of his ways would work and I would fall into his trap again. Thankfully, my parents supported me. Eventually, he agreed to a mutual divorce because he knew that if we filed a case, he would go to prison, as I had proof to prove that he was guilty. It took a few months but finally, our two-year marriage came to an end.
Now when I look back, I can't imagine how I handled everything all by myself.
This experience has made me the strong and confident person I am today.Share this quote
I feel lucky to have escaped such an abusive relationship. However, I can’t help wondering, what had I done to deserve all this. Why me? There is no answer to this question.
Probably, it was my inability to judge people or just my fate.Share this quote
There are many girls in our society who are going through the same situation, but they are helpless or scared to do anything about it. I just want to tell them, “Don’t give up at the cost of your self-respect, stand up for yourself! If not now, it will be too late."
"After all, we have one small life and we deserve to be happy.”Share this quote
Often, conditioning in Indian society leaves women doubting their ability to achieve much. Sometimes making a mistake in choosing a spouse or not being able to recognise their abusive behaviour, does not mean that one continues with a bad relationship. Being a divorcee is not a matter of shame but a matter of pride. It says that one is a survivor and refused to put up with a bad relationship. It talks about how a woman made choice for her life based on what she thought was good for her.
Being a wife does not come with duties for a wife alone. Even if one partner is neglecting their duty towards the relationship and well-being of another, it won't work. An unhappy couple can never create a happy home. A wife is not the mother of an abuser. It is not her job to reform or change an abuser. Most abusers come across as very nice and perfect people. Abusers worry a lot about what people will say about them because they would have spent time trying to create this image of being nice and perfect. It is so critical to talk about an unhappy situation in one's life. Start by telling your parents, siblings and friends first. Don't hesitate to inform the authorities.
Abuse is not a "Ghar ka maamla", it is a crime punishable by law. By keeping quiet you are enabling that crime!