He Said That He Didn't "Mean To" Rape Me, And Then Dumped Me

Anonymous Anonymous in Single Women Bad Women on 19 August, 2017

Ever since I was a little girl, my family has forced the "izzat" label on me - I must never talk to boys or do anything that would single-handedly damage their izzat. They are quite religious and well-respected in the community. I have always tried my best to be the good girl they want me to be, and stayed away from committing sins. However, I fell into the wrong crowd and one thing led to another. I ended up being the girlfriend of an abusive, older guy.

Within only a few days, he tried to get physical with me and since I was quite vulnerable, I didn't want to lose the only person I had.

At first, he was cool about it. He was older and funny whereas, I was geeky, slightly shy, and unsure of myself; but I did know quite well even then that I did not want to have sex before marriage. We were together for three years, and no matter what happened, I did not sleep with him. Despite his threats, the shouting, the physical violence, I did not give in.

On the one hand, I was madly in love with him and he made me feel like the most important girl in the world, and on the other side, I was bruised both physically and emotionally. He started stimulating sex eventually, with me. I felt dirty and used, but for him it was some sort of a compromise that he felt he deserved. Sometimes, he would get romantic and other times he was quite aggressive, to the point that both my izzat and virginity were close to being destroyed.

It seemed like these making-out sessions were the only saving grace in our relationship. Then one day after we had an argument about marriage, he forcibly undressed me despite my pleas, just to please himself, and the inevitable happened. He ended up inside me. My eyes filled with tears and he quickly pulled away. I couldn't believe it.

My whole world crashed. And guess what he said after that? “I didn't know you were actually a virgin.”

He thought I was a s***, this whole time, who was simply depriving him of sex. We had discussed marriage, and I had poured my heart out to him, yet he never trusted me. He was the one I had my first kiss with, he owned my first everything and now sadly, even my first sexual encounter. He told me that he wanted to dump me and that's why he was so rough, he wanted to punish me one last time, but that even he did not want this to happen. He denied doing it on purpose.

To this day, I carry the burden of destroying my parents' and my own izzat by myself. Whenever they talk about it, it kills me inside.

The worst part is that we did not even have sex, but yet on my wedding night, my husband will figure out that I am not a virgin. The thought of this makes me angry. Without even doing anything wrong, I am always going to be guilty. What is virginity? Is it just the hymen and the blood that one loses? I have had counselling sessions over this and, my counsellor told me what he did was rape and it is not my fault, but I still feel disgusting inside. He will never realize the magnitude of his mistake, how much he destroyed in just a moment of selfishness.

Editor's Note:

Please share this story because many women like her need to know that it is not their fault.