Confession Relationships Life unconditional love insecurities

He Ruined My Life Because Of His Insecurities And I Am Still Waiting For Him

( words)
*For representational purpose only.

Every girl has dreams of being independent as well as having someone who loves her with no conditions. Even I had that dream and also a person who loved me unconditionally, well, at least that is what I thought about him.

We met at a very young age during our college days. Got in relationship and things were pretty good at first. But later fights started and his possessive nature was becoming more of a problem. But then I used to think, "No he loves me, it’s just his nature it will change with time. At least he isn't like my family that made me feel left out."

With our increasing fights, I realised that since we both are short tempered at least one has to be understanding and let go or at least compromise but he took my compromise as my weakness and treated me very badly. We completed 5 years and we were planning on going abroad for further studies .

We decided this was the best step since we both belonged to different castes and our families won’t agree anyway. But his lazy nature and insecurities were creating issues with this plan also. My parents were having second thoughts about sending me abroad since I was getting older and my relatives were asking about my marriage.

In this process he started ignoring me and saying that I cannot do anything on my own. It hurt my ego and made me realise because he always helped me with things he has started thinking that I am dependent on him.

Yes, my parents made me feel I am not loved but they certainly did not raise me to be alone, miserable and dependent. So I decided to work on my abroad plans on my own. When he got to know about this he felt more insecure and made me look bad in front of my family. That I was selfish and leaving alone when his process wasn't done.

My parents did not know about our relationship but they knew we were best friends. He broke up with me and abused me and said I was a slut and I could do anything for money. After that I left to go abroad and he kept abusing me through mail. But I thought that after 5 years if I can do my work and live abroad then surely I can do something in life. But most importantly, did I have to prove that I can do something?

He had realised his mistake and understood that no matter what he says I will not return to him. He started apologising to me. Since we had applied for same course we were in same class. He had become a typical ‘devdas’ and the classmates who had become friends knew that some girl had broken his heart and was the reason for his bad condition. I never let anyone know that we knew each other.

My heart would sink seeing him in pain. I was sure I didn’t want him back but I was really scared that he’d harm himself or end up in depression. He kept on saying that he will never be insecure or hurt me. He will never make me leave my friends and never be over possessive. I started feeling maybe this break up was good for us because now we will respect me and and we have a good life together.

We patched up. And then after few months started living together. After my graduation my parents wanted me to return and I didn't want to. So we broke the news to them about our relationship and we wanted to get married.

Both our families were against it. We both were just trying to settle down after graduation. Since our financial condition was not so stable he asked me to go back to India for a few months and he will come back soon to marry me in 6 months.

This was 3 years and 1 month ago. In past 3 years I have my depression has only worsened. I vowed to him that no matter what I will only marry him because I truly love him and also wanted to prove his insecurities wrong. But in past three years he has hardly been kind to me. At first I considered he is busy setting up so we can have a good future and time difference makes it difficult but with time, I realised that he has moved on.

He isn’t ready to break up with me. He has been living an amazing life abroad these past three years where as I have been tortured, threatened and beaten up by my family. He never stood up for me even when I was in pain and always made some excuses to which I always fall. I tried 3 times to run away from home but he just switched his phone off during those times.

He sent me money for a ticket but later used that himself. Seeing me drown in depression my parents agreed for our marriage but his family started feeling that my parents are weak. His uncle insulted my parents and made them wait in rain outside their house for an hour.

I know I am sounding foolish when I illustrate all this and trust me this is not even 50% of the entire scene. I have been literally sitting in my house with no job or anything with a degree from a foreign college. I didn't start working here because I didn't want his insecurities to act up again.

So now after more than 3 years, I am always sitting in my room sinking in depression looking at his pictures on Facebook. Once in awhile he’ll tell me he loves me and I’ll be hopeful again.

To be frank, I am ashamed to tell my best friend or even my family that he has fooled me because I can't see them sad and hear we told you so. My parents are just waiting to see me start a life but now since I can't tell them anything I only think of suicide everyday (have tried but was saved when my mom found me unconscious). Now I know that there is no way left.

I left my career, my friends, everything in life because I love him and I still don't want to accept he is bad and feel there may be some problem so he is ignoring me. I still feel somewhere in these past 10 years he loved me honestly. But too much time has passed and I am tired and ashamed and blame myself for making my own life miserable. For letting someone manipulate, dominate and torture me.

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