He Pretended To Love Me And Then Left Me: I Still Miss Him

Jyoti Jyoti in Single Women Bad Women on 23 September, 2017

I am becoming the kind of person I never thought I’d become - cold, detached, indifferent and rude towards people and their feelings. I have been hurt, betrayed and rejected before. I have felt unloved, unworthy and empty before but I never lost my natural warmth due to it. But now, the words that leave my mouth are cold and bitter. Pain never changed me like this before - what did you do to me?

Ever since we have separated our ways, I have been repeating the same questions to myself . "What was so special about this one person?" "Even after knowing that he wasn’t real, why do I continue to crave to be with him?" "Is it the pain that he left me with, that's changing me?"

After wondering at these questions for a while now, I think I finally have my answers.

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There is a reason why I fell for you and why, even after all this time, I am unable to forget you. It's because you pretended to love me for who I am. And for the first time ever in my life, I was my absolutely real, uninhibited self with someone.

Other people only believed what I chose to show them and had no idea about the many battles I had been through. Every time I tried sharing my struggles with them, they found them hard to believe. They only wanted me to be happy, to make them happy, to comfort them and to not break their misconception that I was the happiest person they knew. So, I stopped revealing my other side to them.

But when you and I became friends, I was going through a difficult period in life and found in you someone whom I could just talk to and share all my feelings with.

Somehow, you saw through me, saw through my struggle. I don't easily share details from my personal life with anyone, but something about you made me feel safe.
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I opened my heart out to you and revealed my worst fears and insecurities to you. You were patient while listening to it all - I remember how we used to talk for hours at midnight.

You didn’t leave me like other people did when they saw my dark side. You were not scared of me, my real self. Instead, you had the words that gave me comfort and peace of mind. All the emptiness inside of me was filled with joy and for very first time in my life, I felt complete. I felt sane. Unfortunately, it wasn’t real. I now know you were never the person you pretended to be.

I know it was a lie, everything was a lie. Your words were poison wrapped in kindness and scented with love.

It is said that good performances stay with us for a lifetime. Your performance was brilliant. If it was a movie, I would have given you an Oscar for your performance. But, you weren't acting a part in any movie, you were playing with my life.

I don’t miss you,

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I miss the person that you showed me to be - the one who wasn’t scared of my reality but was kind and loving enough to embrace it all; the one who was patient and knew how to comfort me best; the one who could listen to my troubles the entire night and knew how to make me smile.

I miss that lover. I miss that friend. I miss us. I miss me. I didn’t cry a single tear while remembering and writing all this, but my heart twisted with each word.