He Made Me Feel Special But As A Wife, I Could Go Only This Far With Him

Anonymous Anonymous in Single Women Bad Women on 13 June, 2018

I have been married for the last 10 years. I am a mother of a 7-year-old boy. Yet I can’t stop thinking about him. It’s strange because I have not felt like this in a decade. I know I felt like this only when I fell in love with my better half. I didn’t know why this was happening to me.

Even in my wildest dreams I never pictured myself going down this lane of confusion, entanglement and attraction again.

I was this cute innocent looking girl with a pleasant personality. I was in my late twenties when I started working in an IT company in a middle-level position.

I was a ‘one man woman’ type of a girl.

I was about to marry the love of my life in the next three months. I was on top of the world because I was marrying my Prince Charming.

He was this sweet adorable cute looking guy. He too was not very tall but he was an attractive guy in his early twenties. He worked in the same company at an executive level. That was 10 years back. He first contacted me on Messenger before I got married. We had even talked about our lives, our future plans and our families.

It was during one of the chat sessions that he confessed that he had a CRUSH on me. He said he hoped that I would not be angry with him after hearing his confession. He told me that he often stared at me whenever we crossed each other. He also told me how much he admired me.

I had laughed and said, “It’s very natural and human. I’m glad you confessed.”
From that day on I was very clear with my feelings for him. I told him that I was committed and was about to get married. So it was all fine and good to carry on as friends.

He said he wished to meet me once. I agreed to this but could never actually do so because I was busy with other things at that time. So we continued to talk every now and then even after I got married. We would always have very general conversations like, “How are you?” “How is life?” etc.

But one day it all just stopped. I got busy with my new life and I was busy adapting to all the changes in my life. It was like – ‘Out of sight, out of mind.’

And now….hell… he was back in my life.

I let him come back into my life because I was unaware of how much he must have changed in these last 6 years.

I was oblivious to the emotional turmoil that his presence would bring into my life in the coming months.

Gosh…..10 years was a hell of a lot of time. The cute adorable looking boy had grown up into a confident handsome man. He now had captivating looks with an enchanting personality. He had an impressive style of talking which could mesmerize the women around him.

I was very attracted, spellbound and hypnotized by his presence. I had always believed that I would never be attracted to another man after I got married. But somehow I was getting embroiled in all this kiddish nonsense.

I now laughed at myself. I knew I was getting embroiled in something nonsensical. I had never believed in such things but they seemed to be happening to me now.

I was so sure of myself. I knew I could never indulge in such stupidity. And that is when Life decided to test me. It felt kind of funny to me.

Over these past 10 years, he had not changed in looks alone. His behaviour, his attitude and all his mannerisms had changed. He contacted me through Facebook and we exchanged our contact numbers over Messenger. The next day he messaged me over WhatsApp.

Initially, it was just "Hi!" "Hello!" "How are you?" We then started discussing how our lives had changed in these past 10 years.

But this time we could sense the difference. Our conversation became deeper, more emotional and intimate.

We started sending emojis of flowers, hearts and kisses. We shared romantic songs with each other. I shared all my feelings with him and started talking to him for long hours.

Initially, I objected to this but gradually I just let myself drift with the flow. I was unaware of his intentions.

Things were moving at a really fast pace between us. I started expressing myself more openly to him. All along I knew that I was doing the wrong thing. So I did not really disclose my feelings for him.

I did feel guilty because I had always prided myself on being a loyal wife. But I realized how I often felt lonely and neglected.

This sudden attention and attraction had made me feel alive. I told him that I loved chatting and talking to him. I told him how I adored all the attention that he was giving me.

I was getting addicted to having hour-long chats and talks with him.

I was opening up to him like never before. I let my emotions flow. I did not realize that all my emotions would end up causing me unbearable pain later on.

I wanted my mind to control my feelings and my emotions.

I constantly reminded myself that I was a married woman and a mother. I could sense my mind telling me that what I was experiencing was just infatuation. I knew it was easier for him to be in a relationship with a married woman because there would be no commitments, expectations or obligations.

I could sense my intuition warning me about falling into this web of attraction. I knew I would end up with nothing but sorrow, resentment, regret and remorse. I knew these feelings would plague me for the rest of my life. But I still ignored these warnings because I just loved all the attention that I was getting. It was so nice to know that I was wanted by someone.

I guess when we get this kind of sudden attention from an unexpected place we fall for it and then start liking it too. I had faced a lot of ups and downs in my life in these past 10 years of my marriage. I had never been attracted to any other man other than ‘MY MAN.’

I had created a shell around myself after trying to adjust in every possible way. Now I tried to be happy in every situation.

And here was this handsome looking man who was sweeping me off my feet with his impressive and enticing talks. Yes, this time I was the one who had fallen head over heels in …..

I wanted to stop time.

I was behaving like a 20-year-old girl. My feelings were all over the place. My mind stopped working when I talked to him. I wanted to be with him, talk to him, laugh with him. I wanted him madly, badly and deeply. I knew we had no future. I knew I was married. I knew he was single and had lots of options.

I knew if anything could ever happen between us it would end up in ‘SEX.’

So one day I just opened my heart out to him. It was so easy to surrender to him. I was crossing all the boundaries knowingly and unknowingly. I knew we had no future but I just had this strange desire to let go of myself. I knew I would curse myself after I experienced pleasure for a few minutes. I knew if I crossed this line there would be no difference between me and the other women in his life.

I knew that I too would just be another number on his list.

I knew I would be indulging in betrayal by doing something unethical and unacceptable. I knew I would never be able to live with the guilt for the rest of my life. So I told him that I just wanted him to stay in my life. I told him that I adored talking to him and that is all I expected from him.

I told him that I was sorry about crossing all my inner boundaries while chatting and talking with him. I then told him that I did not wish to have an intimate relationship with him.

And that is when I suddenly realized that he was not the person I had known 10 years back.

He became a stranger ……when he heard me say this.

I knew a lot of water had flowed under the bridge. But now I wanted to let it all go. I felt so heartbroken.

I felt like I had made a fool of myself.

I knew I had nobody to blame but myself for this condition. These lines were written by Hugh Prather. They give me the much-needed solace now.

Let it go, let it go, let it go

He was never mine, he was never meant to be mine,

He came like a breeze and went like a storm.

Leaving me in the kingdom of isolation

And now it is just ME….ME…ME!!!

Let it go, let it go, let it go.

Life is beautiful!!!

Editor's Note:

Why do we feel we are depriving ourselves of our fair share of happiness when we control ourselves? When will we realize that we are already basking in love and happiness? Why do we take the love that we already have in our lives for granted? Why are we so hell-bent on chasing that ever elusive rainbow of our dreams? Why do we always yearn for something better? Let’s share this story because self-control really infuses contentment in our lives.