Heartbreak is tough. Almost all normal human beings have experienced a breakup and been through this trauma one or more times.
But reality strikes when that one time, your heart is shattered and scattered into tiny bits and pieces, and you have no clue if it'll ever be in one piece again.
I myself have been through a few rough breakups and thought that I'd never get over them. I thought I'd never fall in love again.
But there was one time when I was in a relationship for just a month. It was an arranged marriage set up and I fell in love with the guy I met.
He made me believe in arranged marriages and things like matches are made in heaven, and that we were the perfect two.
But fate and my ex had different plans, and revenge put an end to this love story. The love which I thought was going to last a lifetime, ended. How and why it happened is another story, but what after that?
The moment it was over, I howled and cried like I was stranded in a desert, but I'm sure he heard me wailing till he walked out of that corridor. And that was it; I couldn't shed a tear after that moment.
I was in shock and was trying to process the harsh truth that we weren’t going to get married! I had bags of trousseau and I wasn't getting married.
I sat there speechless and ultimately went off to sleep thinking that my ex now has no revenge to take, it's done; I have nothing to fear or hide anymore. The next morning, I woke up thinking that it was all a nightmare.
But it was true, he wasn't in my life and I wasn't his to-be-bride, but I was still alive.
There wasn’t anyone to wake me up with a ‘good morning’ text. All I had was a depressed family sitting around me, trying to make me cry it out.
I did cry, and I cry till date, but no amount of tears can wipe that grief from your heart.
As days pass, you miss all those times when you were made to feel important, loved, wanted, when someone expected you to eat, drink and sleep well, and take care of your health. All that pampering was lost.
Apart from the emotional trauma, there's absolute physical deterioration. I had breakouts on my skin, I simply forgot about drinking water, the bridal glow vanished and I was left with dull dehydrated skin. I lost weight and my appetite too.
There's no hogging on comfort food after heartbreak; desserts and ice creams seem calming only after a breakup.
I had puffy eyes after all the crying and sleepless nights. Even if I’d slept the whole night, I’d wake up as though I’d just been lying there with my eyes shut for 7 hours. I was always awake subconsciously, talking to my fiancé.
I definitely have an amazing bunch of friends, cousins and of course family members for whom I feel thankful and blessed. Everyone was and is still supportive.
I tried disconnecting with them, but somehow the ones I needed and the ones who were concerned found a way to contact me and stay connected.
Tough times certainly show you the ones who'll stand by you always and forever. Such people do not need any explanation of what was right or wrong; they can listen to you talking about that man, day in and day out.
They let me talk about our love, dreams, and wishes throughout, all they wanted was for me to ‘say it as much as I want, but then never repeat or regret it.’
But it's not that easy when your heart is broken. You are at a stage when you overthink even minute details and end up thinking that you’re troubling your friends with your worries. Then you start hiding your feelings even from them.
Bitching about that ex or abusing him doesn't give you any satisfaction like it did during those college breakups.
So, people like me start pouring their thoughts into words, when they are sane enough to do so. You want to call him, text him, mail him, but this was an arranged marriage, you have families involved, and you tell yourself that it happened for the best before it was too late, probably he deserves someone better, and so on.
The real fight is when you begin to wonder if you'll ever find someone better than him. NO! At that moment, the answer remains no.
You don't even bother thinking if he misses you or loves you or thinks about you, because you may never get closure for this, the way you want it.
You try connecting to people, you try and get active on social media, people ask you to stay distracted, but you have a tornado inside you and you can never forecast for how long it'll last.
You can sit and wish for time to fly, and hope that new memories will mask that beautiful phase of life.
That guy will always be the one I loved the most in the shortest period of time. Even if I find my life partner who understands life from my perspective, and stands by me in tough times, this man will always be special.
All I hope is, someday, even when he finds his life partner, he knows in his heart that we were perfect.
And if I was given a chance, I would have proved it better.