Mine was an arranged marriage. I was 21 at that time. My husband is 7 years older than me, he lives in Mumbai for his job and his parents live in a village in UP. I came to Mumbai immediately after marriage but I would visit and stay with my in-laws, every now and then for sake of their happiness. I was happy doing it for them, everything was going well until I got pregnant after 6 months of marriage. I had a complicated pregnancy since the start, thus I was forbidden to travel, and even I didn't want to risk my very first pregnancy for any reason, but my in-laws insisted me to come to their village for a festive celebration when I was just one and a half months pregnant, so I refused. But nobody cared or listened to me, and finally, I was forced to travel on a 30-hour long journey.

Even then, just that one 'no' from my side which was very humble and logical, started to change everything from their side. Suddenly, I became a bad daughter-in-law, a non-adjusting girl and what not.

I travelled, and it added more complications to my pregnancy, so then the doctors prescribed me full bed rest while I was still with my in-laws. My ticket to return was cancelled. My husband had to return to Mumbai after a couple of days. When he observed that his parents were not allowing me to take any rest and I told him that if I lose my baby I’ll never forgive him, he decided to drop me at my parents’ place instead of his parents’.

This decision made things between me and my in-laws even worse but I was scared for my baby’s life, so I chose to be a bad bahu and I went to my parents’ place.

When it was my seventh month, I went to my in-laws for the godh bharaai rituals. As I was now out of my bed rest, I decided to spend the last trimester with them to make them feel better. The days when I was staying with them, my mom-in-law would tell me every time that my husband was taking my side just because I was a new bride but after the baby I’ll no longer be a new bride so our relationship equation is going to change forever now onwards, as men don't care that much for their wives once they get old. Even my father-in-law would take her side, I listened to everything silently. I was shocked to see that these were the same people who were constantly pressurizing me to give them a grandchild as soon as possible. I was getting depressed. At the time of delivery, my in-laws blatantly said to us that they cannot help in any way as they are old and not well. They also said that they will not allow any servants in their home, that becoming a mother comes with a lot of challenges and I should be able to face them to be a good mother in the future.

My husband had booked his tickets near to my due date, but we were scared as hell thinking what if my labor pain starts or water sack gets ruptured before his arrival.

We finally decided to get our baby delivered at my parents’ place. Again it was war, there was a huge drama but my husband fought for his baby and wife’s wellbeing. I had a C-section, and doctors said that because of so many complications due to travel, I was not able to deliver a baby without a C-section. My in-laws came and blamed my parents for my C-section. They also said that I didn't follow them that's why I had to go through this. Anyways I have no regrets today about not having a normal delivery. I gave them a grandson, exactly what they wanted. I thought that now things would get better. A few hours after my operation, when my mom and husband went for bath and breakfast, my mom-in-law sat near me to look after me, and then she said something spiteful to me when I was already in so much pain, not even fully conscious, unable to move my body or utter a single word, and I was dying to take my baby in my lap, in my arms but could not and it was already almost killing me from within.

She said, “you have gone through a C-section, your body is never going to get back to normal ever again, now your physical beauty and physical health everything is ruined forever, and when a woman loses her physical possessions she loses her man too, because men tend to get turned off by these changes and then they start to look for other women in their life. Your married life and your relationship with your husband is never going to be same again.”

I was just 22 at that time, and I was not mature enough to ignore those cruel words plus I was in the most fragile phase of my life. Those words hit me deep inside, and she totally spoiled my joy of motherhood. I started to live in the constant sense of insecurity. I started feeling frustrated for being a mom. Even when I was back in Mumbai with my husband, I was not able to get rid of my insecurities. My husband would tease me sometimes for the fat or weight I had gained, and even though he was always saying it in fun way, it was only adding to my frustration. I wanted to give time to my body to lose weight and to look gorgeous like earlier, but my baby had some health issues due to which I was unable to take out any time for myself, and this made me furious sometimes. I was losing my sanity, sometimes I even got too rough with my little one, and my unfortunate baby was dealing with an insane mom. My husband started criticizing me for my way of parenting and started getting rude with me most of the time.

The mistake was mine because I never told him about his mother’s words. Finally, my depression reached to a level where I thought I am not good for anything, I am a bad mom, bad wife, bad daughter-in-law, I am ruining everyone’s life, and it would be better if I do not stay alive. I tried to kill myself one night.

Yes, I attempted to suicide. My husband saved me somehow. The morning after that was a life changing point in my life. I remember getting conscious with the sense of little hands tapping on my forehead, the bright sun shining through the window, the sound of my one-year-old saying, "Mumma booboo(milk)", and standing there without his pants, showing me an empty bottle of milk because he was hungry. The first thought that stuck in my head was, what am I going to do to this little innocent creature, because for a kid, his mom’s the world. At that moment, I realized that my life is not just worth living but it is also very beautiful. Now, I have overcome all the depression and frustration. I later told my husband about his mom’s words on my hospital bed.

He realized the reason for my insecurities and made me feel loved and confident about myself again. My boy is now 8 years old, he is a very loving and sensitive kid. The more I am living with him, the more I am loving my life and myself. He made my life super precious.

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