You Think You Know Why India's Favourite Maggi Noodles Is Banned? Trust Me, It's Not "Excess Lead"

Daitya Daitya in Bakkar. Chai. Sutta on 26 October, 2016

Dear clueless average Indian,
I'm here to tell you to be afraid, very afraid. Protect yourselves! And for God's sake, stop paying attention to the news. Oh sure, you think you're safe now because Maggi finally got banned. But are you really? Are your beliefs safe? Is your understanding about the truth safe?

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Well, something fishy is cooking and it is not Fish Maggi. The greatest respite for bachelor life, a mate you could depend on to get you through a lonely night, Meri Maggi. I never thought Maggi was "safe",  but when I compare it to the 20-odd cigarettes I smoke everyday, I think Maggi is not so bad. But you know what surprises me? I can't understand why it took the government so many decades to realize and declare that Maggi was unsafe. I mean, we found extra protein (remember the worms) in our beloved Dairy Milk, we found pesticides in our fizzy drinks and the government just didn't care. But now Maggi is suddenly a "hazard"?


I smell a conspiracy. I'm not saying this because I'm a starving Maggi fan. I'm saying this because... it's obvious isn't it? Here's a small keeda that you can freely put in your head- the entire issue started in Uttar Pradesh, of all places! Uttar Pradesh! Let's please face it, it is not a state well known for its awesome proactive governance techniques. They are rather like the Gotham city waiting for its Batman.

And after Uttar Pradesh makes a big deal of it (I still can't believe this), its cascade effect kicks in with multiple state government agencies coming up with their own findings about this lead wali Maggi. But the center took its own sweet time to let the issue simmer and got in at the last moment to file the complaint with National Consumer Disputes Redressal Commission.

And now, Amitabh Bachchan and Madhuri Dixit who endorsed Meri Maggi have been booked, and this has NEVER happened in Indian history. To say how important this is, just take one look back at some of the greatest scams of India. Take two seconds to think about a scam, and think about what the government did to set it right. Go ahead, I challenge you.

Let's pick something recent that you obviously haven't bothered educating yourself about. Let's pick the Sahara India scam. Why haven’t we booked the entire generation of cricketers who wore the Sahara jersey, endorsing a company which affected thousands of lives directly? How "unharmful" is Sahara for our nation to float dummy companies and raise 24 thousand crores in investment and tank the whole thing? Hasn't the Indian cricket team been essential in promoting a hazardous group which has been extremely dangerous for the economic health of this country?


Talking about cricketers, they also ended up endorsing the fizzy drinks. Pepsi and Coke have pretty much made millions for the players who wore Indian team colors. We seem to think that Maggi is the product to target but what about the other ready to eat products or other instant noodles? Why do I have a petition in my inbox asking me to support the Maggi ban? Why isn't anyone talking about Top Ramen (which tastes like crap on top of being unhealthy) or Yippee (an expression that no one has when they are eating it)? Almost every ready to eat product has chemicals and preservatives in it and no one seems to be bothered about them.

So far, I haven't heard one person say "Hey, let's also test Yippee for excess lead and see if it's the same crap". Instead, everyone is saying "Hey, we still have Top Ramen. Thank God!". Maybe because you just care about your instant noodles; maybe because you think of Maggi as Maggi, and not as "Nestle's product". You seem to think that only Maggi is being banned, but in reality, Nestle is being thrown out of the country.

The next time you walk into your supermarket, open your eyes a little wider and register the products on the shelf. You're CONSUMING them, not just paying for them. Your entire life is sustained by things that come out of a plastic refill pack, even the "healthy" ones. If you know any better, you'll put that pretentious pack of oats in the dustbin right away. But wait, it doesn't have lead in it — just some other twisty tongued chemical that you don't know might give you a heart attack tomorrow.

Because you're an idiot. You're the idiot who buys the concept of "healthy" processed food without stopping to think what it's "processed" with in the first place. You never thought about how much money went into processing it and how much more money went into selling it to you. I mean, seriously? You know somebody's money makes you behave the way you do, right? That's why these companies are still around to make monkeys out of you. Then why do you still believe that the Maggi ban is a HEALTH thing? That's the most ridiculous thing to fall for.

When was the last time something as big as Nestle was being threatened? Anything with money in it is supposed to be invincible, right? Nothing happened to Cadbury, nothing happened to Pepsico, nothing happened to either Salman or Jaya. But Nestle — why Nestle? Who is powerful enough to make a giant brand like Nestle run for its money?


Sure, India needs healthy food but where do we have an accountability measure for the manufacturers? Where is the clear cut solution for making the corporations stick to the fine line of 'processed food' and 'poisonous food'? Some bakras like Maggie get caught and made into a big deal of... and that's why I smell the fish cooking faster.

If the government can't care less about other unhealthy things that are easily and plentifully available to us, then why just Maggi? And if the country's most favourite brand fell overnight and is suffering, who is gaining what here?

Someone is getting sadistic pleasure out of this. Wait! Did I hear someone say "Yippee"?