I'm No Gentleman But I'd Rather Walk Away Than See You With Lecherous Eyes

Dr. Sarvesh Jain Dr. Sarvesh Jain in Bakkar. Chai. Sutta on 5 August, 2018

Hey,

I’d like to say something to you, may I? But promise me you’ll forget every word I say because it’s important that you forget otherwise it’s just unfair and wrong. Here is the thing; you are beautiful. Just like the James Blunt song, “You’re beautiful. It’s true, I saw your face in a crowded place and I don’t know what to do cause I’ll never be with you.”

Beauty catches attention, money catches attention; maybe that’s why you have difficulty in trusting people and maybe that’s how people see you: a beautiful, rich woman.
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Maybe seeing you makes their day better. But truthfully, I’ve seen prettier faces. So that’s not what keeps me engaged and certainly, that’s not why I call you beautiful. It may sound strange but I see you even when you’re not there, even when we are in separate dimensions. Some may call me psychotic and honestly, to hell with them.

It’s worth going crazy over you.

The first time you really had my attention is when we did the spin bike session. When the trainer said, “Do it with full strength”, you looked like a hungry lioness willing to do anything to kill her prey.

In that room, there were people more experienced than you, people, with higher stamina, but I swear to God, no one could come close to you.
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The way you were thrusting the pedal, the posture you held with your elbows down, exerting your maximum even when it hurt. It takes a special kind of commitment to do that. That surely was impressive, but that was not the reason that made me respect you. As the session ended, it was clear that you won, but you didn’t even smile to acknowledge your victory.

No grin, no raised eyebrows, no reaction at all to show that you were proud of yourself. People like me cry for days after a 45-minute spin session and you just picked up your napkin and went ahead to continue your schedule. It made me realize, “Fitness will come and go but the attitude towards your own body makes you beautiful.”

You have incredible core strength, an unmatched humility, which makes anyone who pays even a little attention admire you.

I admire you. I respect you. You have my undivided attention. You smiled, and you saw me smiling. And it made you smile a little more. That particular moment made me happy, and happiness is rare to come by. The radiance of your eyes makes people lose their focus. No wonder people get injured in the gym all the time.

People say you need motivation and discipline to continue gym, I always had discipline and I guess I found my motivation too. For people who prefer a happy ending, I suggest you stop reading here. But for people who are broken beyond repair, you may be able to relate to my story. As interesting and romantic as this story may sound, life isn’t all flowers, unicorns, and sunshine.

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When you see something you like, you want to have that thing and when you can’t have it, you hate it because you can’t have it.

I don’t know if you notice me or not, but if you did notice me in the past, you’d know that I was behaving a little different than before. People change and it’s no one’s fault.

I knew that ‘You and I’ could never happen and that made me a little mad and I don’t like being mad.

So I thought if I kept myself away from you if I didn’t look at you, if I didn’t breathe near you, I might feel better. A man’s got to try everything in order to protect himself.

There were certain things, which broke me into who I am today, and when you have to pick up your pieces, again and again, it becomes difficult to be a whole person, and that’s how you become permanently flawed. People may argue that you can change, but I’m too arrogant to believe that it could be true in my case too.

Don’t sweat if I don’t look at you, I don’t know why I decided to stop ogling girls.

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You may lecture me on morals, you may call me a perv, but all of a sudden I saw you and I didn’t want to see you with lecherous eyes.

And if I can’t see you with the respectful eyes that you truly deserve, I don’t think I should allow myself to even glance, let alone gaze at you. Going away from you seems like an easier option than improving myself to be a gentleman.

In the past few days, I’ve given up my sources of comfort and pleasure. I’m testing myself, challenging myself, pushing towards a better understanding of what I’m made of. Giving up your favourite food isn’t easy, let alone giving up sex and porn.

I’m mending my broken pieces, I can change, I have to change, even if I don’t believe I can.

I’ve to do it anyway; quitting is not an option here. In a parallel world, I’d like for us to work out together. And if somebody asks me what is the one thing I want to do, I want to challenge you to the plank because the strength it needs to hold yourself above 60 seconds is the same strength it needs to hold myself away from you. That’s the only way you can know how easy, and how tough it is to stay apart. Why is the best fruit always forbidden?

I don’t lack the courage to express every inch of my emotions; I’m not a coward, I don’t fear the consequences.
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But I won’t speak to you directly; I have my own reasons that hold me back from jumping to talk to you at every opportunity I get.

Not every fragment of love needs to be cherished.

If I ever get a wish before death, I’d wish to write. It’s peaceful, clears my head, more importantly, my heart, it makes me light and guilt-free.

Writing frees me from me.

So if I ever get a chance to make a dying wish, I’d wish to be given a chance to write.

From,

Someone who is new to this fitness world.

Editor's Note:

Share this story if you agree that it's not easy to let go of love, especially the kind that changes you for the better.