Hello there,

I am a 24-year-old man. Recently, I lost a friend of mine to cancer, she was more than just a friend to me and her void has led me to think of these dark childhood thoughts. They make me feel distant from the society. The more I try to forget them, the harder they stay in my head.

I don't know why it took me many many years to write this story - all of 20 years to say this out loud - something that happened to me when I was just 4. 

I was a very restless kid, short and cute at that time, probably like many kids at that age. I was just like any other kid who loved to ride a bicycle, play with toys, watch Tom N Jerry with my sister before going to the playschool and after coming back.

We were a happy family.

Although what I'm about to narrate here happened a long time ago, it didn't have any kind of change in me during that time. My sister was 4 years elder than me and we had a neighbor, a boy who was probably 2 or 3 years older than my sister. I considered him to be an older brother, though we never used to play together.

I don't remember much of those days but what I remember now is that I was made to please him by licking his private parts. I still remember we were sitting together at the backside of our house once and he made me do it, promising me that then I could play with his toy cars.

At that age I didn't know any better or what to do or what I was made to do was wrong.

I was taught to obey my elders and he, being a brotherly figure in my life, asking me to do this, never felt wrong to me.

I don't remember whether he told me not to tell anyone about this but at that age, any kid would never tell anyone about such a thing.

I still don't have the courage to speak about this with my parents. What if they become sad thinking about how they couldn't do anything to help me? I don't want to make my parents or my sister sad.

I love my sister, she has been there with me always as a support but I still cannot tell her anything about this incident, it would make her feel shattered. I just want to protect my family. 

It took me days to even think about writing this down. I can't take it anymore. I just wanted to write this story to express how men go through such harassment also and are never able to share these stories with the family for one reason or the other. 

The fact that I'm not able to share this with any of my loved ones often causes tremors in my head. 

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