Opinion marital rape indian law

I Am A Married Woman And This Is Why I Don't Think Marital Rape Should Be Criminalized

( words)
*For representational purpose only.

Marital Rape. I'm almost tempted to add a hashtag in front of it because people are talking about it so much in the media these days. Barkha Dutt interviewed a victim on her talk show who spoke about how a torch was inserted into her. Everybody in the studio flinched, I squirmed in front of the TV myself, and then ensued the debate- should India criminalize marital rape?

Here's the obvious answer to that question: NO. I am a married woman who has faced her share of problems in the bedroom area. But no, I don't want marital rape to be criminalized. And I will tell you why.

First of all, let us understand marriage. Today's understanding of marriage is hilarious. Half the married crowd I meet claim that they are MBAs. The mismanaged definition of this MBA is "Married But Available". And then there is the evergreen #MyChoice chutzpah that okay-ed women to have sex outside of marriage. This, by the way, is the same demographic that is waging a keyboard war to criminalize marital rape.

I find it funny that people who have lost sanctity within marriage want to criminalize marital rape. The law from my great-grandfather's generation that is currently being the roadblock to criminalize marital rape is this: "The husband cannot be guilty of a rape committed by himself upon his lawful wife, for by their mutual matrimonial consent and contract, the wife hath given herself in kind unto the husband, whom she cannot retract." You can hurl a thousand arguments about how flawed that logic is, and I will support your arguments throughout. I agree that sex within marriage is not as straightforward as that.

When you're in a long term relationship, that too one which society approves of, consent becomes a vast grey area. There are days when you don't want to have sex but you do it anyway because your spouse is all over you and you can't figure out how to say no. It is murky and painful, but you're still aware of what is happening.

It has happened to all of us and will continue to happen till sex drive survives. That, I know, is not your garden variety definition of rape. Marital rape is when you're being humiliated and dehumanized systematically till your mind is cornered and you don't even know what is happening to you. Marital rape is when there are so many men and so little space at "home" that everyone forces themselves upon you for sexual satisfaction while your husband never raises an eyebrow.

Marital rape is when The Mahabharata easily talks about how Draupadi spent a different year with a different husband whether or not she liked it, while in fact her heart was set on Bheem all the damn time.

I had a maid last year. I don't want to say her name out loud because it is ironic that she is called "happiness". It is because of what she has gone through that has convinced me that no law against marital rape will actually work like it is supposed to. She would miss work quite often in the beginning. When I gave her a hard time about it, she quit, only to come back because she needed the money. With a slightly higher pay, she couldn't skip work like she used to. But this time, she showed up despite the bruise marks all over her body. On the days I managed to be persuasive, she would tell me that her husband regularly beats her.  But if you've seen anybody complain about domestic violence, you would be able to tell that she was lying. I always felt that she was not saying something. It took me quite some time to put all the pieces together.

It was not until one day she said "Husbands do what they have to do. What can a wife do about it?" that it hit me. She was silently suffering sexual violence and she didn't even know that it was a crime. She was depressed and broken, she had no self esteem, she would give away all her money to her husband even though I offered to put it in her own bank account. Why? Because it was his right as her husband to take her and whatever she had to give, or so she thought.

Let's face it. Marital rape is not something our society talks about, or even remotely understands. Criminalizing it is just going to replicate the results of the Dowry Act. Most dowry cases are false, and are filed by well-educated conniving women who strong-arm their way through some family issue. As a result, several men have been unduly harassed and their families have suffered endlessly. And to make matters worse, there are no laws that protect the men because men in India are never perceived as "victims" of anything.

As a society, we cannot conceive that marital rape can happen both ways. There was a case in Mumbai where the court granted divorce because the wife was demanding excessive sex and the husband was feeling harassed. Not for one minute did anyone consider that it may have been rape.

Our understanding of Marital Rape is as flawed as the existing laws. How do you punish the crime when the law-makers, victims, and the perpetrators don't even understand what marital rape is? A vast majority of people still treat their wives as their "property" and the wives believe the same. The husband-worshipping mindset we have makes us believe that the man has the right to torment the woman.

Criminalizing the act right now will do nothing but give an additional tool to well educated women who will misuse it like the Dowry laws, just because they understand how it can be used to their advantage. Instead of criminalizing 'Marital Rape' (and I'm sure there will be no counter-laws to protect the hapless husbands), we should be aiming at preventing them.

Why isn't anyone talking about gender sensitization in schools? Why can't we actively monitor households for domestic violence, because it's basic common sense to know that domestic violence also breeds sexual violence? Where are the efforts to enable the poor, uneducated, fearful women with knowledge of what is their right and assure them that help will be given if they ever need it? What are we doing towards eliminating sex as a "taboo" topic? The Supreme Court denied a petition from a marital rape victim because it was a stand-alone case.

So yes, before you want to criminalize 'Marital Rape', conduct a survey and find out what is really happening. And while you're at it, good luck with making people talk about it. Don't forget to take into account the other side of the story as well! It is easy for us to protest from the comfort of our armchairs and be caught up in the general upswing of emotions in the media. Not one of us understands what marital rape is really like, and if we were ever involved, we won't talk about it. I have nothing against constituting a marital rape law, but you can't make laws based on assumptions. Sure, more than a hundred countries in the world have laws that deal with marital rape and I'm no one to comment about their laws.

What I do know is that in my country, a progressive law must be at par with a progressive mindset. You can't hand a double-edged sword to just any monkey, can we? 

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