Don't Expect Monogamy When Having Multiple Partners Is Natural

Daipayan Dhar Daipayan Dhar in Bakkar. Chai. Sutta on 9 November, 2017

I had a breakup on the month of May 2015. It was after being friend zoned for four and a half years and in a relationship of six months. Although this word ‘friend zone’ is a very sexist way of describing sex-starved men who are expecting sex from their female friends, let me put it in that way for the time being, as human beings are social animals and I do not fall outside these social constructs.

It was my first love. It was going perfectly, or that was what I had always perceived. Although she wanted it to be casual with no commitments, it was probably I, who ended up expecting more. One fine morning she ended it all saying that it’s not working out and she likes someone else.

My world turned upside down. I tried to persuade her with all the cheese I could put in the lines, but all my efforts went in vain. After two weeks, she got annoyed and blocked me from the domains of her social networks.

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I suffered from depression. Probably it was more intense because she was seeing someone else and she left me for him. This fact screwed my peace of mind for a couple of weeks as I was not able to come out of this shock. Although a lot of my friends tried to console me, it didn’t help. This ‘break up’ probably did not go by the standards of its social definition. Bob Dylan didn’t help me. Neither did Honey Singh.

It was after a few months, I came across this piece by Friedrich Engels “Origin of the family, private property, and the state”. I explored how families in the West have evolved over time and how basic human instincts like polygamy and polyandry were accepted in those ages of primitive communism. Although, the sole reason for these practices was to keep the property rights within the communities.

It made me think for a while- isn’t this polyandrous and polygamous instinct supposed to be in everyone? So this justifies someone seeing or getting physically attracted to someone outside his/her relationship?

As the days went by, I started thinking. I discussed it with friends. I came up with the answers that I was searching for. Basically, people do not perceive watching porn and masturbating as an ‘act of disloyalty’. Although when someone masturbates while watching porn or a body, he/she tends to imagine the porn star having a sexual intercourse with him/her in the bed. So masturbating while thinking of someone else instead of the person concerned in the relationship can be termed as an act of disloyalty. But this is not how it works.

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This is because we tend to assume two things. First is that Sunny Leone or Johnny Sins are not accessible but other girls and boys are. Hence they are potential threats to a relationship.

Secondly is the fact that the stress is given more on the act rather than the idea. It is basically this notion that we can think of having sex with every other person but doing it, in reality, will make us impure.

There is a sense of possession that sort of works when it comes to a relationship. Probably it’s because the social design is monogamy, we tend to suppress our basic instincts when we are involved in things like relationship and marriage. But they exist and at times reveal themselves, threatening our so-called ‘conscience’. Also for men who are socially privileged in general, accepting their partners getting physically involved with someone else threatens their social position.

Men want their women to be pure and chaste. This could be explained in terms of the purpose of procreation and family lineage. Polygamy and polyandry, on the other hand, are more of a selfless love, a love without expecting that you possess someone, a love where you respect your partner’s desires. 

A lot has changed since the time I accepted these basic instincts I have realized that my relationship was not a failure. It’s a basic instinct which is likely to happen and it’s not a big deal. If I wouldn’t have freaked out, I could have sustained a friendship, if not a relation.

Love will exist but it’s not necessary that you have to be the sole receiver of it. It doesn’t even matter as long as there is trust and attention from the partner. And lastly, it’s not necessary to hit on people who are necessarily single, because that actually doesn’t matter.

Editor's Note:

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