This Is What One-Sided Love Does To You: It Makes You Leave Everything And Walk Away

Meera Nair Meera Nair in Stolen Diaries on 20 June, 2017

Vaani ironed her clothes, folded them up and smoothly placed them in her suitcase. While keeping each of her dresses she thought, “Should I go?” And her mind said, “Yes! You should and stop thinking about it now.”

Vaani was all ready to explore a new place as she was moving to Mumbai. Inwardly, she was scared and tensed as she didn’t know how the new city will treat her. But she had already made up her mind to leave Kerala.

Vaani was in love with a guy, Prasodh, who never even thought about her. Though he was her friend, she made the mistake of loving him when he was broken and hurt in life. Not knowing, if he will accept her or not. She kept loving him every single day. And one day, when she gathered the courage to let him know about her love, he rejected it.
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She tried hard every day to get his love; her soul got tired. She realized there was no point and that he will never love her back and so, she decided to leave the city forever.

She never wanted to leave him but she knew, she won’t be able be “just a loyal friend” because their bond was much beyond that. She knew that she could never see him with another woman. She knew that if she stayed for longer, this love would drive her crazy.

She found it difficult to concentrate on her work and she realized the importance he held in her life. She could have created a heaven for him if she could. After a lot of thinking, she told herself, ‘Yes! It’s time to say Goodbye!” 

Vaani tried to tell Prasodh a lot of times that she would be leaving soon. But he never believed her. Finally, she decided to show him the tickets. Vaani had never consulted anyone before making this decision, not even her parents or close friends. She just knew that she wanted to leave. Her mind asked her several questions, “What are you going to do in Mumbai?”, “Will your parents send you?” and much more. 

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After booking her ticket, she sent a copy to Prasodh but he still didn’t believe her. Every moment she realized that she was losing Prasodh. Though he made fun and didn’t believe her, Vaani thought, “Let the day come”.

She did not want to hurt him. She never wanted to force him to love her.

Vaani remembered how she met Prasodh at a function, how she found him on a social networking site, and how they became such close friends in a short time. She thought about the times when Prasodh made it a point to call her every day and how he would inquire about her. He used to share his problems with her freely and she loved him for trusting her. She remembered how he used to share every single detail at the end of the day with her. She trusted him more than she trusted anyone else in this world and maybe that’s why she could talk to him about anything. 

But things changed when she proposed to him. She loved him but he hated her for loving him. Since then, she saw a new Prasodh, who avoided her, who spoke less with her, who hardly called her, and more importantly, she lost her worth before him.

Every night she cried herself to sleep. She made sure that no one sees the pain, agony, and tears rolling down her eyes, not even Prasodh. When she handed over the resignation to her boss, everyone including her colleagues were shocked. Her closest friend and colleague, Neha, asked her – “Why? Why are you doing this?” Neha knew how much Vaani loved Prasodh. She always used to tell Vaani that give him time, he may love you. But Vaani knew that it’s never going to happen. The day Vaani gave her resignation, she looked gloomy and heartbroken. Neha happened to notice this and she couldn’t see Vaani in such a condition.

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Being her close friend, she knew that Vaani needed a shoulder to cry on. Neha called Vaani out and said, “Dear! Let’s go out for lunch! Mark- In your break”. Though Vaani didn’t want to go, she couldn’t say no to Neha.

They went to a restaurant near their office. Neha ordered for a small meal whereas Vaani ended up ordering a cold coffee. Neha broke the silence. 

Neha – What’s wrong with you? Speak up your mind and cry out bloody *** if you want to.

Vaani – (With her head down), Nothing! I am fine.

Neha – Look up! I know nothing is okay and I know what’s in your mind. Leaving the job and running away from here, will not help you or save you. Do you understand? Now, tell me, what’s the matter?

Vaani (looked at Neha with teary eyes) - Was it my fault that I loved Prasodh? Maybe, but he won’t love me back. I don’t know why I love him despite knowing that he won’t accept me.

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Neha – So? You need to run away? It shows that you are a coward! And he will think that he easily chased you away just because you loved him and he never wanted you. 

Vaani – I don’t know what he'd think. I don’t even think he would miss me. He has a lot of people around him to take care of him and so, he'll never get the time to think about me or miss me.

Neha – So you know well that he won’t miss you and he would be happy! So, what’s the point of going to Mumbai? Who is sitting there to welcome you? I seriously feel like slapping you.

Vaani – He will be happy! I need that! I know, tomorrow, he might hold the hands of someone else and I am not strong enough to see that. I need to go and please don’t stop me.

Neha – Have you thought of me idiot? How am I going to be here? Won’t I miss you? You just thought about your love and not your friends and family.

Vaani – I will miss you but I will be in constant touch with you. And you come to Mumbai soon.

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Neha – So, not backing out?

Vaani – No!

Neha – Did you inform your parents?

Vaani – No! I haven’t yet. They will be worried. Slowly, will try to convince them.

Neha – What if Prasodh says that he loves you?

Vaani (with a smile) - I would never go. But it will not happen and let’s end this talk here. I am leaving and that’s final!

Neha – I lost trying to convince you. But let me tell you, be safe. Mumbai is a new place for you. Choose your friends wisely. If moving to a new city can make you forget Prasodh, then, let it be. Go! 

Vaani – No Neha! Never! I am not moving away to forget him. Whether I am here or in Mumbai or anywhere else, I will love him to the core. I am not expecting anything from him. I need his happiness and I know he is happy without me. Even though I would be far away from him, I would not miss checking his Whatsapp or Facebook profile. I will miss him like hell but what more can I do to get back his love? I could have forced him but that’s not right. I never want to impose anything on him. He needs a good life, he has dreams, and he has his own wishes. If I had a chance, I would have helped him in every step. But I never got that opportunity. He thinks I do not understand him. I tried to show him that I understood each and every broken piece of him. I enjoyed spending every single second with him. I enjoyed talking to him and irritating him. He never saw my soul that loved him. But that’s okay!

Neha – I do not know what to say dear! I can only pray that he would love you one day and if not, at least you try to be happy without him. 

Vaani (broke down and hugged Neha) - Why me? Why did I ever love him? People think I am insane and they say it’s not love. But no! I wish he doesn’t hate me for loving him.

Neha – Stop crying! And listen! No, he won’t hate you. Should I talk to him?

Vaani – No! If I couldn’t convince him, I am sure no one else can! And nothing has bothered him. I could see him chatting, socializing and spending good quality time with his friends. Me leaving or not will never affect him. So, that’s fine! If I cry because I miss him, it doesn’t mean that he should also be sad! All I can say is that I love him Neha! And I silently wish that he loves me back once. 

Neha – Don’t worry! Come! Let’s go back to office.

When they reached their office and as soon as Vaani switched on her system, she saw a notification on her desktop – resignation accepted! 

She tried to hide back her emotions and shared this news with Prasodh. But again, he never believed her. She knew that she had lost him. And there was nothing more to explain.

She spent her nights weeping and silently praying, "Let him love me back God! I have no hopes but still I crave for his love." She knew she had hardly 3 weeks in this city and she wanted to love him like hell. She wanted to spend her best time with him.

As each night passed, she cried and wished he saw how badly she loved him. The last thought that crossed her mind was, “Let him hold me back and say that don’t go, I need you”. These are just dreams that will never come true. 

And today, she is waiting to move to Mumbai – hoping that he would be happy forever.