My Heart Throbs With Pain And My Mind Tries Reason. But My Soul Balances Both Beautifully.

Shrey Wadhawan Shrey Wadhawan in Stolen Diaries on 18 June, 2018

My Heart says, “It’s really hard to imagine that my beautiful dream has shattered again.”

“I had started a beautiful chapter in my ‘Book of Life’ with a lot of enthusiasm. But today I know the chapter will remain incomplete. It will have incomplete notes and an incomplete but happy ending.”

“Goodbyes are really hard, isn't it? Especially when you have to say goodbye to a person you never want to lose. I think that more than the goodbyes – it is the flashbacks that make us more emotional.”

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My Mind interrupts my Heart and says, “Dear Heart, its high time you gathered your wits else be prepared to face another emotional trauma. You should know your limit and your own worth.”

“Someday you will definitely realize that turning a page in your ‘Book of Life’ is the best feeling in the world. You will then realize that there is so much more to the ‘Book of Life’ than just the page you are stuck on.”

“But you are not yet ready to move on.”

My Heart gets emotional and says, “You never understand. Nobody understands my situation. I don’t want to say goodbye. I never wanted to say goodbye. I want to talk – I want to share- and no one else seems to understand me well enough. Please leave me alone.”

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My mind replies, “Why? Let’s sort this out.”

My Heart says, “I always lose my dear ones. I never want to lose them. I want to open up my heart and tell all the things that have always been buried deep within me. Many of those things are not very pretty. Some ignorant people will even use it for their own selfish purposes.”

My Mind says, “Don’t go by what others think of you. The world is full of all kinds of people. Just talk to me. Hold on. Hold on.”

“Don’t fall in love with someone just because someone pays a little attention to you or shares things with you or talks sweetly to you.”

“Destiny rules over love. Love will never be served to you on your plate for dinner. Love is in your tears and in your sweat. Love is always hungry for more love.”

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“Most people have an inherent selfish bone in their bodies. They will forget the time you gave them. They will not remember the efforts you took to make them feel comfortable. And it hurts you so much because you were ready to do anything for them – just bloody anything.”

My Heart speaks up in pain, “Stop. Stop it. Please stop it. I don’t know what is missing. I don’t know what is wrong. There is a lot of noise in my head. I don’t know what is going on. I don’t want a lecture from you now. I don’t want to understand things all the time. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why does this happen to me every time?”

“Why am I surrounded by the sound of silence? I am trying my best to mask my feelings.”

My Mind says, “True love is not something that you find. It has to be created with a lot of time, patience and understanding. People feel that if they have a long list of contacts and a big fan following they are loved. People these days remember other people only by their phone numbers. Grow up. Don’t behave like a school child. It’s already high time now. Go ahead and overcome your loneliness.”

My Heart says, "Words have lost the ability to heal my pain. No medicine can soften my pain. Maybe if I have a conversation with someone who was very close to me at some point in time I will feel better. But I am not sure about this too.”

“I am scared of even words now. They seem to be sugar-coated. And even the emotions are sugary.”
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“Yet, I still miss even all those fake conversations. I still scroll down old conversations. I still miss those fake emotions and even that fake support. Even thinking about such things makes me smile. But….let’s leave it at that. I don’t want to comment on anything now. I know I am wasting your time and my words. I know I am not going to convince you.”

My Mind started laughing at this. And my Heart said, “Why are you laughing? Have you gone mad?”

My Mind says, “No. No. Actually, I was laughing because you had really started convincing me with your words. At least you agreed that people used you every time and made a fool out of you.”

“Why – I think when people sweeten their talk with sugar-coated words you melt like a piece of butter in a bar of chocolate. But you don't realize that when people finish savouring your sweetness – by getting their work done from you – they discard you like the wrapper on a bar of chocolate. They have sampled the goodness of your work but they are done with you now.”

My Heart became emotional on hearing all this. My eyes welled up with tears and a tear dropped down – and all I could feel was the ‘sound of silence’ around me. My Mind continued talking to me, “When you enter the next level of your life, life will demand a different version of you from you.”

“Don’t feel so ashamed of crying. Nature too breaks down after going through a rough summer.”
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My Heart said, “I think I have to learn to keep my feelings to myself. I can never find the right words to describe them anyway. Every time I trust somebody I realize that I shouldn’t have done so in the first place. I just want to stop all my feelings. I just want to stop all this talk that I keep hearing. It makes no sense to me.”

And despite the sound of silence that surrounded me - my heart and my mind continued to wage a war with each other.

My soul had been in a state of slumber all this while.

It woke up slowly and said, “Do you realize that both of you are losing in the war of words? Do you ever think about who really gets hurt when you keep fighting like this? Do you know that someone else is paying the price for this war that you are waging?”

“I am your soul and I have to pay the price for all this. I have to suffer every time you make a mistake. I want to cry out loud too. I want to tell you to calm down because I want to fly high. But both of you have shattered me completely. I am still trying to put the broken pieces of my eternal life together.”

“And because of both of you, I have to put on a façade in front of this shitty world. I have to pretend that I am okay! I have to smile forcefully. And even if I do manage to get through the days I struggle to calm down each night because you both start fighting again.”

“Sometimes I wake up and get upset because I have to suffer for all the things that have gone wrong in your life.”

But my Heart had a will of its own.  It said, “I really feel sad because a person can make us feel so special for a while and then one fine day we become total strangers again. It hurts. A lot. Sometimes my heart starts beating faster.  At other times I can feel my breath turning cold. I don't do any of this on purpose. It just happens. It is as if the pain is seducing me. Sometimes I think I find solace in sadness.”

That is when my soul came to my rescue. I could hear my soul knocking on the floodgates of my heart.  It seemed to have a comforting aura about it. And slowly – ever so slowly it urged me to let go of my pain.

My soul speaks softly now – it has a gentle tone – and it says, “Come now. Let’s plan a date. And don’t forget to invite your Heart and Mind to it.”

I know things will be fine. I know my soul will always take good care of me. I know that every time I plumb the depths of despair – my soul will be my saviour. All I have to do is to connect to it….and when I do so I know I will emerge out of the depths of darkness as a stronger and more beautiful person.

Author's Note:

I am Shrey Wadhawan. I love this quote: “Whenever there is a battle between the heart and the mind – there are two ways to deal with it. One: Fight the circumstances. Two: Pretend nothing is wrong.”

Editor's Note:

Love sees no reason. Love knows no logic. Love can turn our lives upside down in one second – just one bloody second. Love knocks some plain common sense into our heads yet the heart has a will of its own. The heart feels. The mind thinks. But it is our soul that bails us out of our pain to bring that oh so beautiful balance in our lives. Do share this lovely story because love helps us connect with our innermost selves too.