Hello people! I hope every one is going steady and safe in this pandemic. I hope people who have undergone or undergoing emotional and financial turbulence are coping up. If not, I hope you get all the strength to cope up. I wish that 2021 may bring good luck and good health to all of us.

Lets get into the story. Well to start with, like many of you, even I fell in love madly with a person. I was head over heels and mad for him. I wasted almost a decade for him and he simply just blew me away like crap.

We were into 'friends with benefits' thing, not completely, kind of romantic, but we were not having sex. I was still virgin and lost my virginity to the true love of my life and that's my husband. So, we were kind of friends with benefits and to tell you I was having strong feelings for him and I agreed to be closer to him only and only because I thought he would, if not initially but at least later would realize the bond between us.

He was my first love and I never ever in my life felt like that for anyone (even my husband). I fell in love twice. First it happened and that was this guy and second was my husband and destiny chose us as soulmates.

So this guy, my first love, he hung out with me religiously for almost first three years. He invited me to everywhere, to his house, to his birthday parties, to his sister's birthdays. I was familiar with all his friends and family and almost all of them asked my whereabouts from him. Regular phone calls, regular chatting, regular meetings. This was the case for the first three years.

Next years were like no regular calls from his side, but he demanded attention from me. He would demand me to tell where I have been with my friends? Why is my phone busy when he called? With whom I was talking? All these interrogations.

I as an honest person always told him the truth and half of the time it was him. I watched most movies with him. Went to most outings with him. All around, my time was spent with him. Contrary to this, he never mentioned anything to me about his whereabouts. What he was doing? Why his cell is busy late  in the night? If he is not talking to me on phone then who it is? If I interrogated he would be like, "Are we in a relationship? You are just my best friend.. Why are you trying to be my girlfriend? Don't pull that possessive thing on me."

But he was damn possessive about me. Due to his constant baseless interrogations and always trying to keep me in control, I started avoiding him because I realized this sweet charming good hearted guy was taking control over me and my emotions. This uncertain energy around his and mine relation was preying on my good thoughts and ability to think clearly. I could not do anything I liked because he did not like. I could not wear anything I liked because he did not approve. I could not even talk as I liked. I felt breathless.

When he avoided me, he expected me to call him and request him. If I did not, there would be another fight. But when I avoided, he would not even ask why. Did he come back? Sure he did, when he felt he missed me or I can say he had no other pastime, he did come back but again the cycle of chaos repeated. This phase continued for two years.

Last phase is the most important phase. By this time he was completely gone leaving me hopeless and mad. It was like growing along with him. I was a teenager when I came in touch with him, the phase when you start dreaming. When he left me, I was 26 yrs old, the time you settle. Either you marry or settle in career. I felt like a loser because literally I did nothing all these years except chanting his name and roaming around him.

He on the other hand, successfully avoided me, hung out with other girls (I don't know how far they went). He shaped his career, started his business. He even decided to marry a girl and I felt like a jackass because not only did I refuse all those marriage proposals brought to me by my parents but also I never left city for any job offer in the fear I might have to stay away from him.

It took me another year to forget all those sweet bitter moments spent with him. All my life was him. When he left, I felt hollow. I missed him terribly, but at this time I felt if now I don't move on it wont be fair on my part and I can't give worries to my parents. So I gathered all those broken pieces and threw them away at a remote corner of my memory. Rest is history.

I met my dearest husband. We married. After marrying my husband, I have known what true gentlemen are like. What did I learn from my half Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na tale which went disastrous and when my so called Jai left me in uncertainity? I learnt I was a total fool around him and I was just his favorite pastime. I ignored all signs.

I will share some with you.

I remember we went for Harry Potter And Deathly Hallows Part II. So I was waiting and he was purchasing tickets. I was looking around the multiplex. When I looked at him, he was kind of checking out a girl there. She was cool, wearing capri, hair bun tied. She was fetching snacks. I saw that he had an eye contact with her for a minute or so. I kept staring at both of them. He turned over and saw me staring, gave me an awkward smile and said let's go.

He is a very good looking and charming guy and was always popular amongst girls so these things happened quite a lot. The whole movie time, he behaved awkward. He was not conversing. His body language was stiff. He was not replying much. I noticed the girl he had encountered outside was sitting in the adjacent row. I felt strange and continued watching the movie.

One incident is that his sister joined intermediate and got a new friend. And as always, that friend was cute and surprisingly very much younger to him as he and his sister have 5 yrs of age difference so his sister's friend was younger. Suddenly all his talk was about her. He called me and spoke all about her. I wondered who the hell is this. I asked him is there anything else you gotta say? His reply was, "Come on!!! Why are you jealous? You will always be special to me."

I never understood that special category he had for me. So eventually, it was all her. Talking to her, texting her. So at this point, my mud brain got alert. I was into graduation and I understood now its time I set my priorities straight. My close friends knew him as well and they said if he has to acknowledge your relationship and feelings towards you, he would have long back. He is sneaking behind your back. Now it's high time you keep him aside.

So, I did not like all this what he was doing and I avoided him. What happened next is, that girl suddenly stopped coming to his house, his sister was no more friends with her, eventually she was out of the scene. He came back again to me.

He was very egoistic. Its fine if he avoids and breaks your heart, but he can't handle someone else doing it to him. We used to chat late nights and had late night calls. Eventually, it reduced. So I called him and it was busy. I don't know who he was talking to. Though he mentioned to me sometimes about his other friends who were girls. So I waited and texted him to call back. It was too late I slept. My sleep broke and I saw the time was 4 a.m., his text just popped up, "Sorry its late so could not call you, I was busy. Surely I will call you tomorrow morning." I wondered morning? Its morning now. I replied to him, 'were you awake till now?' He was surprised. I don't know if he forgot that SMS has time mentioned too. In return he asked, 'What are you doing if not sleeping?' I said, 'I just woke up and your text came just now. What were you doing till now?' He never replied.

He called me in the noon that day and spoke out of topic, extra sweet, extra nice. I asked him straight what were you doing last night? He said, "I was on phone call. This girl from my college called me." I paused for almost a minute. He understood that somewhere all this uncertain nonsense from him is hurting me. I was his first friend who is a girl and he very well knew I had strong feelings for him. Despite all the hurtful things, I gave him chances.

Did he stop? No. I avoided him. He came back to me. History repeated. One such embarrassing incident that happened was, I was into post graduation. In first semester, a guy proposed to me. He was a decent guy. I said I can't get into any such stuff it will be better if you concentrate on studies and don't disturb me with this. He was okay and never bothered me.

I mentioned this to my friend. I don't know what happened to him. Firstly, he was kind of paranoid that I joined co-education. My graduation college was women's college. He said, 'tell him you have a boyfriend.' I was shocked, but inside I was having 'mann me laddoo fhuta moment' and thinking chalo at least jealousy woke him up. In a straight tone I replied, "but I don't have a boyfriend. And why should I lie? I said I can't accept his proposal and he is fine, so why should I tell him or anyone in college that?" He was angry and his face turned red. He said, "Do what you are asked to do. Tell my name. Tell them I am your boyfriend."

I was happy and in bliss of happiness. I told all my classmates and showed his pic to some of them. I was on cloud 9 and it did not take much time for that cloud to burst.

His schoolmate was my college mate in PG, but she was in other stream. She asked him in school reunion, your girlfriend is a pretty girl, you never told me about her. He said "who?" She told him my name. He denied it. He said she is my best friend not my girlfriend and that he is not into any relationship with anyone. She spread that word in whole college. I don't know why that bothered her so much about me. I was not even familiar to her personally.

All my classmates except my friends treated me like a wannabe for a while. That guy who proposed to me said, 'I was fine with your rejection, but what made you spread such lie? Was it due to me?' He was not that close to me, but since I felt I owed an explanation, I took my time and explained to him all the chaos with my so called friend. He immediately said, 'see I am no one to give you suggestions, but this guy is toxic. He stepped back immediately when someone confronted him, what is the guarantee tomorrow he wont leave you even if he acknowledges?'

Almost every close friend and well wisher gave me this advice, but I came so far with him. I was emotionally attached. I did not know what to do? How to end? How to forget? All these questions swirled in my brain. But this time, I felt I had enough. I confronted him about this issue. We had a huge fight and I could say after that, pretty much the boat sank. The little raft we both were still sailing in whirlpool of fights, coming back again, not talking and talking again even that raft sank after two years and I could pretty much say he was out of contact.

Little I knew about him was through common friends. The most annoying thing was in return those common friends asked me 'What??? You dont know??? You are his best friend?" So I got much more annoyed and I even cut contact with all those mutuals. Finally, something which started beautiful ended up into disaster because one person was unstable about his feelings and unsure all the time.

I took time and patiently documented this experience because if someone is into something like I have been, any such kind of relationship please be sure of not only your feelings but the person whom you love. No strings attached won't work practically if you're emotionally attach to that person and trust me I personally don't believe something like that exists.

I was madly in love with him and agreed to all his Nakhras thinking abhi nahi toh aage chalke shayad usko realize hoga, but nothing like that happened. I want people to know please don't waste your time. Your time is very precious and make reliable use of it. Don't waste your emotions because your emotions are so valuable that they can't be wasted on every unworthy person.

Parents, family, and your friends are always first. Most cases, they are your well wishers and give better advice. Realize your well being in time and move on. While I was handling all that mess and heartbreak I came to know he had set up a business. He successfully threw me out of his life and hung out with other girls. He decided to marry someone. He did not miss me. I was there for almost 6-7 years or a decade, but when the alliance with the girl he wanted to marry did not work out he kept a whats app status on her birthday that 'I miss you with her name'.  When I confronted, he blocked me.

He met me long after the break up in a multiplex. I was shopping. He came to me and greeted. I was angry, but with joy I jumped and said hello. He was subtle. I held his hand, since I had met him after a long time. He insisted on keeping distance and I understood. He was in a hurry at that time. I felt he was on a movie date and it's definitely a girl. Even after break up, he was not brave enough to tell me his actions. I bid bye to him and left.

I never saw him again and even now if he comes across I will just pass by with a heavy heart. I will never greet him.

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