Dear Henry, I Finally Want To Accept The Apology You Never Offered

Jo Nthuli Jo Nthuli in Stolen Diaries on 25 March, 2019

Dear Henry,

I will not lie and say this is not for you. It is.

I will not start faulting you or anyone else because that is inconsequential now. Pointing fingers will not give back the moments lost or those ruined by the sadness that has now found a home in me. I don’t know about you because I have written many letters before, that have ended up in the trash because I felt they weren’t worthy enough. Some were just angry outbursts on paper like a child. There have been days I have wanted to call you and longed for your embrace whenever something seemed too heavy to bear but I held onto the lingering memories and somehow I found strength.

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You have said that sorry is a word meant to stop the other child from tearing and feeling bad. You also said some wounds cannot be healed by the band-aid of saying sorry because they need something deeper and more meaningful like a conversation. I don’t mean to be pessimistic but I feel that this is something we will not have - a conversation - so SORRY in all its faults and short-comings will have to do.

I didn’t think that you leaving would have crushed me as hard as it did. Years later, you still linger on and I think, no, I know; I truly loved you. I have found my peace but everything seems empty without you. Even the picture on the wall just serves to remind me of the lines around your eyes when you smiled. I think of taking it down but I love how I look - tired but happy.

I have let go of all the negative emotions but there are moments I feel like smashing your head and nursing you to recovery. I finally pulled out the cactus that pricked me and though I have waited in vain, I have also learned to accept the apologies that were never offered to me.

You may have noticed the letter bears no date. I refuse to date it because you may never read it and the day you do, you will not respond because a lot of time will have passed us by.

When I said for better or worse, I meant it.

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I hope you find the love and happiness you seek.

Best Wishes,
Winnie.


PS: Story written as told. Names have been changed.