An Ode To The Lover I'm Learning To Live Without

Shalini Guru Shalini Guru in Stolen Diaries on 5 August, 2017

I take a deep breath and I draw my gaze into a distance with my eyes just drying up from the rivers that it let flow a while back. The pain is unreal and nothing like I had ever felt before.

I sat there thinking 'these things happen to younger people not grown ups, certainly not me'. I had to let you in against all odds. I had let my guards down for you, I had let you enter the wall I had built around me. I let extreme passion take over me, for why should anything feel mediocre? I was intoxicated with everything you gave me and my glee found no bounds.

When you left, you took a piece of me with you and what's worse is that I let you. I needed to hurt myself as a reminder of not letting another being so close to me that I let them tear me shred by shred. After all I had given so much, I had invested deeply and it needed its due acknowledgement. I needed reassurance, that I am perfectly capable of being loved, but why? Aren't we all perfectly capable of being loved? What made me think that I didn't deserve it in the first place?

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I let him hurt me for I believed I could endure any pain as long as it was directed from him. Somewhere somehow I think I did grow a liking for that pain. For I thought it made him love me more, it made him want to be with me longer for his sadistic pleasures. What was this game that we played, so physical yet so mental that it got to every bit of my nerves. I had submitted myself to him, all body all mind all heart all soul. I had let him into every cell, every atom of me.

I saw him when he was with me and when he wasn't I saw him in everyone else. I hadn't known of any addiction so strong, so intense, so consuming. His presence was euphoric and his proximity took me to the brink of combustion.

How was one single human capable of doing these things to me? I had blanched the thin line between addiction and abuse. I drew pleasure out of the remains.

It's been a while now, I should have been over the anguish. But there still isn't a single day my thoughts don't wander about your remnants. You have been long gone since, but I refuse to let go off your residue for reasons I cannot fathom. I do not want you back, I cannot even imagine being with you ever again but this limbo is far too devouring. Every time I see even a glint of light, be it just for a second, I am constantly pulled back and bullied into staying in this status quo.

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I do not know for how long I can sustain but this darkness has accepted me as its own. For until I apprehend my bearings, I have no choice but to let this torment seep into my bones and learn to live with it.

 

Editor's Note:

Share this with the one who walked away.