You Were Hopelessly Crazy About Sex And That Was Still Okay

Anonymous Anonymous in Dirty Picture on 14 August, 2017

I dreamt of spending life till eternity with you until you decided to stab me and leave me broken forever. I don’t know from where to begin.

Maybe it was my mistake that night to leave my number on the Hotmail chats that I found very exciting as I had just got my new phone after completing my 12th standard. Yeah! New things look very exciting and interesting and so I was trying to do something new to connect with people. And that is how! That is how you entered my life.

One conversation starting with a 'Hi' and two people from two different worlds connected in one night. You were a Gujarati from Mumbai (the city of Dreams) and me a simple and introverted Assamese girl (North-East). See? No Connection at all. Still we went on with each other, talking, and texting every day. Mobile internet was still in the distant future, it was still 2006.

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Moving on, I had plans already to study further and hence, I moved to Bangalore (present Bengaluru). Life changed and I was in the process of learning new things along with legal studies. We were in love and were busy making conversations over the phone until one day we decided to meet each other in person. And so you came, we met and we were more in love with each other. I didn’t realize in the meanwhile that I was crazy about you already.

All was fine until you dropped the bomb that you had fought with your mom and were leaving Mumbai to come and stay in Bangalore. That is when the misery started. I had felt that something won’t be right and I tried to stop you from coming. You accused me of not wanting you to come to Bangalore when I was basically worried about your studies and career. I was the only one serious about your career and I realized it after the death of the relationship.

Going ahead, you joined a BPO that I didn’t prefer much but was forced to be okay with it because you had to pay for your expenses. Still tried my best to keep you happy and safe, sneaking in food from my hostel for you, so I could feed you and get peaceful sleep at night knowing you didn’t go to sleep hungry.

I stood by you without even caring about the exams when you were admitted to the hospital, not once but twice. I didn’t care even when your mom abused me that night when I was leaving for my vacations and shouted at me not because we both were in love, but because of the phone bills.
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She threatened to slap me in front of my family and threw the phone bills on my face, making me pay for it. And you! You were such a classic character. I could never understand you. I gave you everything even though I didn’t want to get intimate so early. But you were adamant. Slowly, I could see your true colors, in the form of extreme anger, verbal abuse, mental cruelty, madness, impatience, loose character and most significantly, physical abuse.

I still can’t forget how you used to stink like alcohol. Every time when there was a knock on the door, I used to drown in fear. Because I knew that if you had arrived, I will be beaten up for sure. You hit me once so hard, that I could not see through my eyes clearly. The result was equally bad.

Now I am required to wear glasses that I cannot take off. Presently, I get scared if anybody tries to touch me or calls me from behind. The door knock scares me still. I am sure you had lots of fun in demeaning my soul, taunting me for my studies, cursing me that I shall never be able to clear the exams and never become a lawyer. Oh yeah right! Slowly came in your habit of stealing and indulgence in paid sex. No offense to your dear friends who stood by you whenever you were drinking, sleeping with office girls and calling me bi***.

It didn’t hurt still until the time came towards the end of our five and a half year long relationship when you brought me to that point of life, when I was begging and literally holding your feet asking you not to leave me for one of your office concubine. But no. You were crazy about her.

And why not? You stopped touching me and didn’t even let me kiss you. I should have known why you were doing this. To escape from the relationship, you termed me everything – bi***, crazy, stupid, dumb and even mocked me for my complexion which you liked once upon a time. I still kept forgiving you, even after you openly confessed that you loved sleeping with prostitutes and justified that it’s okay for men to sleep with women outside of their relationship or marriage.

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Even when I came to know that you were gross and you could imagine yourself in bed with your friends, I forgave you even though you confessed that you were not a virgin when we met and had lost your virginity to a sex worker. I forgave you when I heard you bargaining with a person for getting a prostitute for an hour. But you murdered my soul. My soul died back then.

I still knew I loved you when I asked you to leave my home and you happily packed your bags to move in with her or whatever. But there is also an antidote to love. It was that night when you were so violent and wanted to do anything harmful to me just because your bi*** had dumped you for not having enough money to satisfy her thirst. But instead of returning the favor, you actually hit me and beat me up so bad. The final nail in the coffin was when you brought a kitchen knife and was ready to charge at me. Had my hands not stopped you, you would have killed me and thrown me off my building. But the moment I saw blood, that changed me completely. I got you thrown out of my house and my life, forever.

It has been more than six years since then. Life is going on. Changed place, changed country. In all these years, I have channeled my anger towards bringing out the best in me.

Yes, I burn every day, every moment. I do have someone in my life, who loves me more than his life. But I have turned cold. And also maybe I don’t trust his love, maybe because I can’t trust anymore. I don’t feel love for him or anyone. Hence, running away from marriage. I don’t even think I will ever be able to believe the sacred promises and commit. I am here only to protect myself and doing my best. I am a changed person now and it is impossible to break or touch my dead soul. But I hope you remember my curses, for now you too have a daughter whom you love the most. Then imagine if she also had to go through the same. What would you do?