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To The Guy I Slept With Before My Marriage: I Never Called Or Texted You For A Reason

( words)
*For representational purpose only.

I don’t know why you are making me feel like I can’t talk to you normally?

Last few months have been very awkward; your drunk text, my reply and again my message got unnoticed. Sometimes we have so much to say even if the person is not ready to listen or doesn’t give a sh** about anything. There were times I was craving a good conversation with you, a healthy conversation. Though I never really tried because the situation was such. There were days I couldn’t decide whether to talk to you or not.

I thought this was getting complicated but actually I was making it complicated in my mind. You were all fine, obviously you had to be. There was nothing but intoxicated memories which had no meaning. It was supposed to be a fling from my side. I thought that you were also comfortable.

I heard you had a girlfriend but that didn’t bother me because I never wanted anything in return. I never forced you to give us a name, neither did I try to turn it into a serious relationship. When someone asked about you, I always said I am comfortable with him. Nothing less or more. 

I never really tried to be with anyone after my ex, I knew my papa was going to die (he is doing good now) and my family was searching for a groom for me. So, I never wanted to date anyone. 

I was drawn to you after we started meeting. It never felt like I was sleeping with a stranger.

We are humans, right? Others may find it completely unreasonable, even you may think it was crazy but believe me these emotions cannot be named. I never saw you as an object. I can’t speak for you, but from my side, it was a mixture of affection, passion and respect. 

You told me never to love you but I loved you, not as a boyfriend or someone I slept with or even a friend but as a human being. I am laughing as I write this but believe me I cried every night for a year after my marriage. I was not able to cope up with the new situation.

After a few months you made me realise that you were uncomfortable. It was totally fine and reasonable. It was just hard to accept the reality. I knew it would be hard if I cared for our unnamed relationship or whatever you call it, and I would end up getting hurt. 

So I never tried to make it complicated. I never called you or texted you even if I really wanted to. It’s been more than two years now. We came a long way, without any contact. 

But I want to clarify one thing; it’s not my ego that made me do so. It was my situation. I am a wife now and I need to fulfill certain duties that are bigger than any affection. 

Someday I will become a mom. Someday I will be out of reach, someday maybe I will miss you and want to talk and so I wrote this really long post because writing is one thing that brought us together.

So many times I wanted to ask you about your whereabouts, your health and your well-being. I wanted to know how you were because I did care for you, even if I never showed it. Anyway, I may not always keep in touch with you. Maybe this is the end and I really wish you get everything you want and deserve in life.

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