It's been 2 years since that day. The day I wish to erase from my existence. But that's not how easy life is. I have to learn to live with my decisions, my mistakes, someone else's mistakes.
To you, the person who betrayed me, the person who gave me trust issues, the person who wants to say sorry to me. Now, after 2 years, you don't deserve to tell me sorry. You don't deserve to be unburdened from what you did to me just by saying sorry.
I was a naive girl before I met you. A naive girl who thought that no one close to her would harm her in any way. A naive girl who had not yet experienced the lengths a person like you would go to, to make himself feel good.
Now I'm a person who doesn't trust even the people in her inner circle. A person who readies herself everyday for betrayal from the people around her. A person who doesn't expect any goodness in people. A person who understands brokenness and is broken.
I'm a girl who stops herself from finding love or falling in love. I'm a girl who thinks that if a guy comes into my life and knows what I did, there are only two possibilities- he'll either walk away or he'll take advantage of me just like you did.
In a way you made me strong because if it wasn't for you it'll be someone else. I wanted to send you this but I decided that you won't change by reading this. You would just call it a stunt by a drama queen.
To the person reading this, what would you have done if a person very close to you, a person you treat and love like a sibling asked you, begged you for something that would strip you of your dignity? What should have I done when this person who I loved like a brother cried like a baby to see my naked photo? I should have told him to f*** off yeah? I should have blocked him and stopped talking to him. Before, that's what I would have also said if I were you. But what I did was that I cried and cried and told him I couldn't. Begged him to not make me do it.
When he threatened me with suicide if I didn't send him one photo, I went numb. I just wanted him to stop crying and stop saying such things. I wanted to stop the pain in my heart. I wanted it all to stop and just go to sleep. So I took the phone and clicked a half nude photo and sent it to him.
Yes, it was my fault that I succumbed to his threats. It was my fault that I only said "stop" when he criticized the angle of the photo the next day. It was my fault when I just said "Please don't send me such pics. I don't want to see them" when he asked about sending me photos of his genitals so that we could be 'even'. It was my fault that he even had the audacity to ask me for my nude photo two more times.
It was my fault that I kept him in my life for 4 more months. It was my fault I trusted a dog like him blindly. It was all my fault and that's why I pray for the women in his life, so that they don't commit the same mistake as me, so that they don't let him ruin them. That's why I pray that one day he should feel the pain I felt 2 years back and still feel horrible every time I think about it.
I pray that no other girl falls prey to such dogs. I pray for all the broken people out there and pray that they don't give up because of people like him and have the strength to move on. I pray that one day when I get flashes about all this, it won't eat me from the inside.
I pray that one day I'll look into the mirror and will see more than just the damages caused.