I made a best friend in grad school. He was a little older than me but he was the epitome of 'kind and sweet'. Everyone loved him. I crushed on him for a while as well. He took me out a couple times but it never seemed romantic. However, we certainly had a very special connection and bond.
I once told him I liked him but he smiled cutely, gently telling me that he didn’t feel the same way. He explained that he deeply loved me but truly saw me as a little sister. So I decided to just push away those feelings and enjoy this special friendship that we had. We did everything together and looked out for each other. I even set him up with a girl that he had a crush on and they dated for a while. He was literally there with me through thick and thin, in sickness and in health.
I looked up to him. I listened to him. He was my best friend, in its truest form. I was like his little sister, he made me believe that. Until the two most horrible weeks of my life.
After coming back from the summer break, he decided to stay at my place till our classes started in full swing. But, he wasn’t ready to pay rent until his loan money kicked in. I didn't mind it. He lived at my place most of last summer. One night, we watched a movie together in my living room, like we had done a million times before. But towards the end of the movie I don't know what came over him, he pulled me closer with his arms around me. We had never cuddled before. I thought he was just being emotional, he had been through some ups and downs with his health and family lately. I mistakenly decided "to be there for my best friend". I took our friendship very seriously so it was my job to give him what he needed. Just then he whispered in my ears. Something I couldn’t believe came from him, a guy who once told called me his little sister.
“I hope you know that I really want to be with Emily (his crush) but right now I'm so attracted to you.”
“I hope I’m not freaking you out but I can’t help it. Also, my meds are kicking in and making me super horny. I just need to hold you.”
My heart stopped beating in that moment. I knew he was taking strong meds but that wasn't my fault right? Somehow, I didn’t know what to say or do in that moment. I was thinking — would it be wrong to push him away and potentially humiliate him? I told him “I understand” and that I was sure he wouldn't ever cross his limits with me. Following this friendly talk, his hands slid up and down my back. I started to feel nervous and uncomfortable but I still foolishly trusted him.
Why would he do anything to me? He loves me — I thought to myself.
I then felt his one hand travel up my shirt and the other finding my bra clasp. I was tensed, I was shivering in fear. I wanted to stop him but I just couldn’t. I was too scared to. He suddenly grew stronger on me. Before I could say anything, he quickly whispered in my ear again, “Please, I haven’t been with someone in so long.”
The guilt and fear washed through me yet again and I quietly gulped my urge to struggle. He undid my bra then and aggressively groped and sucked on my breasts. I didn’t know this person, he was just so wild, like an animal. I hated it. I wanted it to stop but I didn’t fight him. I felt terrible. I kept thinking, okay, well maybe after groping my breasts, he’ll have had his fix and then he’ll stop.
He asked me, “Does it hurt?” I said a silent ‘No’ for some reason. I lied. I don’t know why, I guess I was scared to speak out loud. I just quickly told him, “Just nothing below the belt, okay?”
He HAD to honour what I said after everything we’d been through in a few seconds of his madness, I thought. Again, he didn’t answer. Next thing I knew, his hand was sliding down my shorts and grabbing my butt. I sat up firmly but he again quickly whispered, “Please”. How far was he going to go? I didn’t know. I started to panic. My body went completely numb. He pressed himself against me, I could feel him disgustingly between my legs and he started humping. I had no idea how big he was until that moment. I felt dwarfed by him. He was huge. He was heavy on top of me. He humped hard, jostling my whole body. I felt like a piece of meat. My body didn’t move or respond. I had gone completely numb. He then grabbed me and pulled me on top of him as he laid down on his back.
Again, I was like a statue, doing nothing, responding to nothing.
It felt like my soul had ditched my body. His strong hands held my butt and moved my body back and forth, as if trying to puppet me to pleasure himself. Gathering me up in his arms, he strongly laid me back down with him on top again and started unbuttoning my shorts. My hands magically worked again and protectively grabbed my shorts.
“Wait, nothing below the belt, PLEASE.”
His hands gently grabbed mine and he calmly said, “Shh, it’s okay. I won’t penetrate. Just let me try something. I won’t hurt you.”
Tears streamed down my face. I felt like I had no choice.
“You promise? You promise?” I begged. Part of me hoped he would at least hear the fear in my voice and would stop.
“I promise.” I stopped struggling and he pulled my shorts off. He pulled my underwear off. He kissed my inner thighs and traveled down towards my vagina. I was so terrified but unable to move. This was new and scary. I had never been with anyone before. My body was reacting in ways I didn’t understand, but, in my mind, I just wanted it to stop. He started fingering me and I quickly lost control of my body. I couldn’t conceal the feeling my body was responding to. I started to faintly moan and I could sense a growing feeling of intense physical pleasure.
I don’t want to find this pleasurable. I want it to stop. He went down on me using his tongue and my body began to climax. What in the world is happening?? I did not understand but I fell at the mercy of what he was able to make my body feel. He inserted his fingers into my vagina and I fully orgasmed. My lower body convulsed. It’s like my mind wanted it to stop but my body wanted more. He pulled his fingers out and started vigorously humping me while holding me and sucking on my neck. I was out of breath, lying naked on my couch with my fully clothed best friend on top of me. He slowly sat up and looked at me. “What do you want? Tell me what to do.” He asked me gently. I didn’t understand what he was asking. Maybe he felt guilty. I could barely move and I was so numb.
I finally gathered the energy to say, “I want to go to my room.”
I was done. I was ready for this horrible night to end. I was sure the shock will set in later, I was prepared for it. He started putting my clothes back on. He drew me to my feet so he could pull my shorts up. I leaned on him since my legs were shaking and were unstable. I was about to say goodnight and leave the room but he picked me up like a baby and carried me upstairs. I assumed he was putting me to bed. Once in my room, he laid me down and started stripping me naked again. It was a total replay of what happened downstairs. I didn’t have the tears to cry anymore. I just laid there. My mind left my body and I don’t even remember all the things he did after. Suddenly, he jumped off and blurted, “I’m gonna take a shower.” He darted out of my room.
I laid there, naked, in complete shock.
When he got out of the shower, he told me to forget whatever happened. He said he just needed a “release” and he did not have feelings for me. But I didn't know he was lying. I was used and abused continuously for the next two weeks at my own place. Each time, he'd go further and try newer things. Each time I grew more afraid and more compliant. He even walked into my shower once. He eventually pulled his thing out despite me begging him not to. He told me he “just needed to feel” me. I felt disgusting and mortified.
One day, he just came through the back door. He penetrated and I began to cry. I had never experienced such intense pain in my life. He got done with the act and then cradled me in his arms. “Don’t worry. It hurts the first time for everyone. Eventually girls get used to it.”
I was embarrassed and ashamed, yet again. Thankfully, that was the last time he did anything to me. The next week, he started dating that girl I had set him up with and he was happy. After the most painful two weeks of my life with my "best friend", he explained to me how what he did was a gift for me. “Now you’ll know how to be intimate with someone you love.”
He expected me to be grateful. He expected me to accept this “gift”. He expected me to feel like I owed him for all that he did for me. He expected our life to be normal again, like it was. Again, as always, I complied. I was afraid of him for life, for the “gift” he had given me.
I swear I wasn’t okay with what happened. My mind is a mess and I break down crying multiple times a week. I wake up with nightmares and I can’t eat. I have to keep living and going to school with him as if nothing happened. I have to be friends with his girlfriend. He still wants to eat and sleep next to me. He wants to take of care of me like he did always. I comply. It’s not fair. I lost my best friend a while ago and he doesn't know it. I guess I just want to live a normal life now, I don’t want to complain and give him a reason to come after me. I’m exhausted and I want to just forget everything that happened.
What really pinches me though is that he gets to go back to his normal life and I have to live in shame and humiliation and horror every day. Probably for the rest of my life.