Sometimes we make mistakes which are so outlandish that it makes you feel beyond repair. Yes, that’s how I feel when I remember the girl I loved, I worshipped. There is no substitute for the reverence I feel for her. One thing is for sure, I will never be able to forget her, no matter where I go in life. Her memories will forever haunt me and the mere thought of she getting married to someone else, sharing all romantic stuff with a person other than me would make me feel horrendous, but I believe that's my destiny. “Loving her and getting hurt.”

I became a friend of this girl when our school ended and we landed in college. I was very covert and a shy person in school who seldom talked to girls and she was not an exception. We started talking on Facebook, soon our conversations became very frequent and we were best of friends.

It took me few phone calls, few meets, and few glances of her eloquent smile to realize that I had fallen in love with her.

She was extremely beautiful and charming. I was losing my senses every day and I expostulated to God to make her mine in my every prayer. I was not aware that I was preparing a recipe for disaster. I was so madly in love with her that even her simple message on WhatsApp made me happy and content. I loved her truly but she took me as a friend only, I was okay with it because I was helpless.

My world suddenly turned into a living hell when she stopped talking to me after she came to know about my feelings for her.

I slipped into a sea of depression, I started drinking and my sorrow knew no boundaries. I would weep alone and rail against my fate but she didn't care. She just said that she wanted me to move on. Two months passed and I was slowly learning to live without talking or thinking about her. But, she again came back into my life. She dropped me a message on WhatsApp casually and I could not stop myself from replying her. We again became best friends and this time our friendship was more intense with her coming to my place every single day, talking long hours, and sharing rides.

Deep down, I knew a catastrophic storm was awaiting me.

I never gave up the idea of impressing her. The optimist me, ‘never gave up.’ After a year, I got placed in an MNC and moved from my hometown. She gave me a letter that how she would cherish my friendship and how much she will miss me. I loved every bit of it but I kicked and reminded myself that I was “just a friend". Soon, because of distance and my busy schedule, our talks became less frequent. She broke all contact with me because of some personal reasons. I had no options other than blocking her from my life forever. I did and moved on. I didn't talk to her for almost 1.5 years.

Just when I thought it was all over, she again came back into my life after a long span of 1.5 years.

I wanted to ignore her but my everlasting love for her took remote control of my wandering mind. She was unwell and she told me that my absence played a big part in her health getting deteriorated. I took care of her unconditionally as my love automatically made me do it. I expressed my feelings once again and she reciprocated this time. I believe she could not say "no" this time as she must have realized that no one would love her more than me.

She finally managed to say that I was more than a friend to her and she loved me too.

I was on cloud nine. The moment I saw in my dreams came to fruition. I was very happy, I was acclaimed. My joy surpassed all limits. She made me feel loved. We used to talk whole day sharing love and care. But my happiness was nearing its expiry date. She also reminded me that how we should stop talking to each other as we cannot marry each other because of religion.

We always discussed the aftermath but could not stop sharing the love on messages and calls. I went to my hometown to meet her. I hugged her and she hugged me back. I asked her for a kiss but she didn’t let me touch her. I tried to convince her but she gave me a reason that how she would never be able to forget me if she kissed me or got intimate with me. Soon, she started talking about how we should stop talking to each other as things would be worse later.

Finally, I realized that I was chasing a path all my life which didn’t belong to me and how I spent precious years of my life running behind someone who was never mine and will never be.

I stopped talking to her and stopped replying to her casual messages.

“Dear love, I love you and will love you till my last breath. I expected more love from you, I didn’t want to talk to you in cryptic messages, and I wanted to hear words of love from you when I needed them the most. I wanted to love you. I wanted to kiss your rose petal lips. I am jealous that someone else will do all that I could not. I am hopeless, dejected, dilapidated and beyond repair. I don't think I will be able to love any girl in my life.”

Life is hell but one thing is for sure, I will never ever talk to her or take her back in my life. I wish I had never met her or love didn’t exist. My fate would have been different today. I hope, I will recover from the disbelief soon, as I believe it is not over until it is over.

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