It may seem crude, but I have had an affair with a married man. Nobody knows about this. I met him for the first time on a website for engineers, and we confessed our love for each other 7 months later. All through the relationship, things looked rosy. I would feel very guilty inside because I was the reason why he didn't focus on his wife. She was a possessive woman, 8 years younger than him, and quarrelled with him over trivial things. Being the good husband that he is, he loved her the way she was and was always patient with her. He was the perfect husband and father.

I was 12 years younger and the only thing I knew was that I loved him. There was some kind of magnetic pull between the two of us, he said. And it was true. He told me almost every day that he had never seen a girl more beautiful than me, ever. He gave me suggestions, advice, held my hand, supported me, cheered me up when I was low, celebrated my happiness and was proud of having me in his life. He told me every day that he loved me. I knew it too. I would wait for his calls, messages.

I topped my university and he was elated. So was I. We are both in the same profession - civil engineering. He works for a multinational construction company, and I'm doing my post graduation. He's a top rank manager, holding a high position, and even now, I am very proud of him. I felt connected in every little way. We were not committed to each other as he was already married and the father of a 4-year-old girl. And I told him that I'd only remain his friend, to which he agreed happily. Let me mention that ours was a long distance relationship.

He was from Kolkata, a Bengali, and I'm from Bangalore, a Kannadiga. Being the bold girl that I am, I would talk normally to everyone. Little did I realize that he was very possessive of me and I was just used by him. He never told me anything though.

Days passed by and one fine day, he told me he'd be coming to my city for a meeting and conference. He asked me politely if I'd meet him, to which my answer was a yes. I was nervous.

The guesthouse his company had booked for his stay was just a stone's throw away from my house! He shared the location with me on WhatsApp. It was hardly half a kilometre away. He was to stay for 2 days, and we decided to meet at a popular cafeteria near my place. He called me at 5.30 pm in the evening and said he had reached. I was highly irritated due to the traffic. I was on my way back from college. I reached 45 minutes late. My mother calls me nearly 10 times a day, and she called again, to know where I was. I was waiting for him to come out and told her I had met a school friend and would reach home a little late, and to my surprise, she believed me and agreed.

I couldn't find him anywhere, after 10 minutes of waiting, I saw him coming. There were butterflies in my stomach. He was fair, and of medium height and build. I said, "Hi! I'm sorry I kept you waiting for so long. I didn't expect to reach late." He said, "It's okay, my dear". I felt so good. I couldn't stop staring at him. He held out a bouquet of red roses and said, "I love you". I was very happy and I took it, fearing what explanation I would give my family at home. We talked for almost an hour, and then he walked with me till my house.

That was the first ever time I had held someone's hand, someone who was 'not family'. It felt so good, I wanted to hug him. At a dark corner almost near my house, I said "Bye", and he hugged me tightly, and kissed me on my forehead.

Walking back home, I felt pleasantly shaken. It felt like a dream. I didn't want to go home. I wanted to tell my mom, but dreaded the consequences. I texted him that night and suggested that we meet again the next morning at 5 am. I told my parents I'd be going for a morning walk.

It was winter, and I forgot to wear my sweater. I went out, and I saw him already standing at the same spot we had parted the previous evening. He immediately took his sweatshirt off and made me wear it. I started getting cozy and conjured romantic thoughts, and seriously wished he was my husband. Then the worst thing happened.

Being 5 in the morning, the roads were deserted, and there was not a soul around. He hugged me from behind. At first, it felt good. I didn't know what his intentions were. He touched me at the most inappropriate place. It was almost like we made out in the middle of the road. I felt insecure and vulnerable all of a sudden.

He told me he always wanted to have sex with me. I was taken aback and not in a position to think. I never expected him to behave that way. I resisted his attempt to go down on me. He was visibly annoyed and asked me if I liked it! It was at that moment that my mom called me and asked why I was taking so long. I found a good way out of this scary situation, just hugged him a little, took off his sweatshirt, and headed straight back home, feeling awkward.

Why did he do that to me all of a sudden? I saw another 'him' that morning. He begged for forgiveness after he reached his guesthouse. I forgave him.

He always told me how his wife doesn't want him to talk to even his own parents, doesn't talk much to him, checks his phone, reads his WhatsApp chats, suspects him without a reason, quarrels over small things. I felt bad but couldn't do anything. He was emotionally and physically detached from his wife. I learnt later on the internet as to why married men have relationships outside their marriage. He loved his wife and me at the same time.

I was puzzled. Sometimes he wouldn't call for 2 days, and when asked, he would say he couldn't call because his wife was there with him all the time. I would accept the answer. At that time he was heading a construction project in Orissa and lived there, and visited his family every alternate weekend.

I couldn't think of anything beyond him. Sometimes he would act weird. I got scared at times. He would ask me to send him my nude pictures. I was horrified. I never sent any, though. I wouldn't directly refuse but say something to change the topic.

He told me how he dreamt of having sex with me all night long. I never took it seriously. But I had this strange fear that one day if we chanced upon each other, he would violate me against my wishes. I didn't know why.

He left, got transferred to Jaipur and things were back to normal, until one day a senior of mine, on whom I had a secret crush spoke to me and we became friends. I told my boyfriend about this senior. He would say things like "Oh! Acha? Ab dekhna woh tumhe bohot hi jald propose karega".

I knew my senior wouldn't propose as he was only a big flirt. I started getting close to my senior. He told me he liked me but never could tell me. I was extremely happy. Not even in my wildest dreams had I expected my crush to approach me and open up.

My boyfriend knew all that, as I told him everything. Just as expected, my crush and I got very close to each other and he even asked me out. I just couldn't say no, although deep inside I knew something was not right.

One evening, my boyfriend called me and called it quits. I was in tears, shocked. I couldn't even respond. He was such a hypocrite. The same man who told me wanted me as his friend forever, even after I got married, the very same man who gave me 'suggestions' to 'impress' my crush was now abandoning me.

Then, standing on the footpath of one of the busiest roads in the city, I realized that it was never love, at least not from his side. I did love him, respect him, adore him, admire him. I also realized that he spoke to me and called me several times a day only when he had a spat with his wife and wanted someone who could absorb all his loneliness and give him company. I was that 'use and throw' sponge to him.

He never liked me. He was only attracted to me and wanted sex, which he mentioned many times. He wanted someone to turn to when his wife fought with him and made him feel lonely. As for my crush, he was in a relationship already with one of his batchmates and was just flirting with me. He even kissed me, which I liked then but was disgusted about later.

I lost both of them. I cried for days together, and every night for nearly 2 months. I lost all my appetite and sleep. I felt angry, used, cheated on, and more lonely than ever.

Then I realized I was wandering away from my goals and that nobody other than my family loved me truly. I got closer to my family and topped the university examination again.

Today, 2 years later, I'm 23, and looking back I see that it was actually good that they both left me. I am a passionate workaholic and have achieved my goals in life. I'm more than happy and thank god for giving me such a loving family.

I still miss him sometimes and wonder if he even remembers me, but I'm happy I've moved on. This is my story.

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