Whenever he smiles in front of me I feel ashamed. No, not because I did something wrong but I didn’t take a stand for myself. It wasn’t my fault completely; I was just a kid then.
I was in class four when he touched me for the first time with those hands I tie rakhi on.
We live in joint family and he is my first cousin. He is much older to me, when I was in class four he was preparing for his medical entrances.
One evening, no one was at home except for him and he invited me to his room to play with me. Being a little sister, I happily went to his room to play as other children do.
As soon as I entered, he grabbed me from behind. I laughed and thought we were going to play hide and seek.
But I was wrong. Instead, he showed me some pictures from his biology books. It was of animals, there was a picture of two cockroaches having s**. I had no idea what he was trying to say then. When I asked him what it was, he started to explain me.
I felt like leaving the room, I could feel that this wasn’t right and it was getting uncomfortable.
While I was thinking how to get out of it, he suddenly pushed his hand into my skirt and told me that he was only going to explain to me how human beings make their babies.
I went blank, and he pushed his finger up my v***** and I screamed with pain. I asked him to leave me and said I didn’t want to play anymore. He let go of me, I ran to my room and cried a lot that night.
I thought it was over, but it was just the beginning of it.
Whenever he found me alone, he abused me. He would unzip his pants and make me feel his genitals. Sometimes he even forced me to touch it.
He would scare me by saying that it was my fault and that I was a bad girl he raped me. I was 9 years old and so I believed whatever he said to me.
The most relieving moment was when he left the place for his further studies. By that time, I had transformed into a completely different person.
I hardly talked and played with anyone, I would just sit in the corner of my room for hours. My parents assumed me to be a lazy child and they were just clueless about what went through me.
Till today I still tie him rakhi on those hands that took away my innocence. I still have no guts to speak about it to anyone. I am married now and have a beautiful daughter. But those things that ruined my childhood still haunt me from inside every single day.
I see no regrets on his face. He is busy living and enjoying his life. And I still have my traumas alive.
I feel sometimes that I am cheating on my loving and caring husband. I don’t know what to do.