I had written earlier about me here earlier. Exactly after a year, I am back again in the same situation. Love, Guilt, heartbreak, obsession, these words describe my life perfectly.
I don't know if it is love that is making me feel guilty or that night that I spent with him to prove my love for him.
I am so mentally affected by that night that even now while writing my story, I can feel it as if it happened just yesterday. My desires or my guilt - what should I call it? Being a 14-year-old girl, everything seemed like a fairy tale to me.
We all go through phases where we feel that someone loves us more than our parents because they think the same as we do (I might be wrong that time). S**** was 19 then. He was studying in Mumbai. I am talking about 4-5 years ago when everything started between us.
I met him via Facebook through my best friend. We started chit-chatting and then with time we fell in love with each other. I was too young to actually understand it all.
He got B-TECH admission here in our home state. I was so so happy for him and moreover, his home was just 2 km away from mine and his college was also around 150 km. So he usually came to meet his parents every weekend. We decided that we will meet indoors because it's such a small place that everyone would get to know if we met outside. Our family's reputation would be on the line if we met outside.
I agreed to meet indoors and we met many times, he used to kiss me, cuddle me, make me feel loved. I felt so happy in his arms as I had a lonely childhood. My father used to undergo treatment for disease more often than not and so I was home alone most of the time. This distance from my parents brought me and S**** closer day by day.
I remember once he had put vermillion (sindoor) on my forehead to make me trust him that we had a future together. Being a fool, I considered it to be marriage. Then after a few days, he asked me what next.
"Suhagraat toh suna hi hoga na? Ab shaadi ho gayi to age badhe? Apko assurance mil jayega ki main apke sath lifetime rahunga?" he said.
Marriage was a big thing for me and I believed him and moreover, I liked spending time with him. Earlier we used to talk about sex. I didn't know anything about it that time more than what I had read in my bio books. He educated me.
We met at my home but never had sex until October. We had done everything except sex until then, he used to tell me to strip in front of him and gave me hickeys everywhere including my breasts. Initially, it hurt me but I felt it was an expression of love. Finally, after many meetings, we decided to have sex.
It was daytime when we met (awkward but no other option) he put his into mine and here I lost my virginity and myself.
It was painful for me but he tried hard enough as it was his first time too. He experimented with me though it was painful. We didn't use protection so I had to pop a pill. I was just 14 and basically, I had no knowledge about the after-effects. My boyfriend went back to his home. The next day or 1-2 days after, I started bleeding. I thought it was period but I recently had completed my cycle.
I asked him and he told me not to worry. It will be all okay. I had pain in my belly, it was really painful for me to bear. I called him many times but he said, "Abhi din ke time aunga to log dekhke galat sochenge."
I was all alone at my home. I called him a lot but he denied it and asked me to tell my mom. I was a fool actually. If he could come to f**k me during day. What was his problem to help me out when I needed him during the day?
I shared everything with my best friend but little did I know that she'd tell her mom. And her mom told others and so my mother got the news. Then my mom rang up S**** and asked him if he will marry me and he said no.
I was not ready to accept this as I know that my mom might have been angry and out of fear, he might have said no. I requested my mom to call him once and I'd talk to him.
Though my mom wasn't okay with this, she finally agreed. I asked him - will you come? Will you accept me? He said, "Yes I will but at the right time." My mom asked him to stay away from me for 5 years and then, they will see about these proposals. We agreed. But he left me completely after that. He didn't reply to me ever again.
I needed him but he completely disappeared from my life. I tried to reach out to him via his friends, seniors at his college, and finally one day, he replied.
I was happy that he at least replied. We talked but nothing was the same anymore. Sometimes it just seemed like I was expressing way too much but he didn't want anything to do with me.
I felt that maybe due to my mom's pressure, he didn't love me anymore. I finally asked him one day - "Am I forcing you into anything?: I desperately wanted him to say NO but to my surprise, he said YES.
"It was your fault that you called me to your place. I know it was mutual but I don't want you anymore." - he said. But, I was so much into him that I begged him to talk to me, understand me. He treated me in the worst way possible as if it was all my fault.
He asked me to strip again, to get back our relationship and I did as I had no friends except him (my best friend also left me). Everywhere, the news spread that I was pregnant and I really felt embarrassed about all the taunts that I used to hear.
I was called characterless by a few of my classmates too. And above all this, his rejection made me feel the worst. I felt like I lost my mom, my name, most most important - My S****. All because of my mother's threat that if I did anything wrong to myself, she will spoil his future.
I was breathing to save his career. As it was a case of statutory rape.
I still was in touch trying hard every day to get things back to normal. Meanwhile, I lost my self-respect with each passing day. He was the only thing that I wanted. He was the epitome of love for me.
After a long struggle, he came back to me and everything became as it was before sex (because I compromised with every thing , with my desires, feelings, with all I hate). My love was a slow poison for me, killing me, mentally, emotionally.