I Thought I Hated Men Until The Day I Ruined Everything With A Guy I Really Liked

Anonymous Anonymous in Dirty Picture on 27 April, 2017

I turned 23 this February. When I was in 1st standard I got molested by our neighbour. He was 9 years older than me, almost like a brother to me because he had no sister and so my elder sister used to tie him a 'Rakhi'. So did I.

I never liked how he was and what he did, he used to touch my body parts and when I asked him, "Why are you doing this?", he said, "It's a game".

One day he showed me his private part, I felt that something was wrong so I stopped talking to him and I also stopped going to his place. Once I shared all this with my sister. She didn't believe me and asked me to stop the nonsense. All this discussion ended right there.

One day, I was playing outside my neighbour's house and uncle was sleeping inside the house. He called me and showed me his private part again. I was so scared that I ran away. That uncle had 2 daughters and 2 sons. One of his daughters was married and she too had one daughter. This ended soon as a year later, we shifted to another city.

Then I was passing through a 'gali' (small road). It was almost 2 in the noon and a guy came out of nowhere and pressed my breast. I was too innocent to understand all this. I got scared and started crying.

One aunty came out of the house and asked me, "What happened?" I had no courage to tell her what he did so I told her that the guy held my hand. She gave me water to drink because I was too scared. Then her husband dropped me home. I told my mother everything.

I grew up. During my graduation first year, I had a boyfriend who was two timing me for a physical relationship outside of us. I broke up with him. I started hating men.

During those days I met a tomboy who is a lesbian. I don't know when we started dating. I felt good thinking that I didn't have to deal with men anymore. Whenever she used to touch me I used to feel disgusting. But she too had another girlfriend. And we broke up. 

During my post graduation, I met a guy, I had a little crush on him because of his looks. One day, we decided to meet. I went to his house as he invited me over to watch his plays (he was into theatre). While talking he was sitting beside me and I understood that he wanted to kiss me. It happened.

I was scared again, I started shivering. He didn't get the expected response from me. The next day I messaged him saying that we shouldn't meet and also what happened yesterday won't happen again. He was confused. We stopped talking.

I'm still scared of physical intimacy. He was a good guy but my fear ruined everything. I wonder if I have a Genophobia. In 4-5 years I'll be married. I don't know what to do. I'll never overcome this fear.
Editor's Note:

Some scars never leave your life for no fault of yours. Share this story if you want to convey this message to someone.