Confession sexual abuse sexual assault rape culture trust

I Got Drunk For The First Time With A Friend Who Had Different Plans For That Night

( words)
*For representational purpose only.

This story is about one of my friends. I trusted him a lot. I am a radical girl, and I'm also very rational. I believe in people, not the stories around them. But it was such a time that I trusted the wrong person at the wrong time.

My friend and I planned for a day out. He's actually a busy kinda guy and rarely gets time for himself, and I was a student busy preparing for entrance exams. We used to live in different places, and for our day out, he came to my city and stayed in a hotel.

We were supposed to go out only, but there was an unexpected transportation strike in the city, and we had no option but to stay back in the room. So we did the next most fun thing- we got drunk.

That was my first time drinking, and already, the world started appearing differently to me. Then at that moment, he decided not to control himself.

While we were both drunk, he pushed me to the bed and started kissing me. I was in such kind of a stupor that I wasn't able to say a word or do a gesture to stop. Slowly, his hand slipped under my top and he did what he had to, followed by taking off my bra. After some time, he undressed me completely, spread my legs and started doing something. It felt like he was penetrating, but I wasn't sure. I wish I had the energy to shout at him or urge him to stop, but I couldn't. I felt so helpless and cursed myself for getting drunk. 

Later, he dressed me up and slept normally as if nothing had happened.

I can't take it. There was something that happened. How the hell could he be like that? Anger was raging in my mind but I knew that I couldn't do anything except lie next to him like that.

The next morning, after we woke up, I couldn't be normal with him. But he was absolutely normal, as if it is was a usual thing. I remembered my parents and I wept bitterly, but he didn't notice that. My parents trusted me a lot and trusted my decisions.

After that, our relationship was never the same as before. I couldn't speak with him normally like before. He lost me and I'm sure he's not surprised. What troubles me every day is that I don't remember a thing. 

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