I was the pride of my parents. Talented, well-cultured, intelligent and fearless; that's how everyone in my family knew me since I was a child. While growing up, my parents gave me all the freedom I needed. And I knew that I had to follow whatever they said.
I was the perfect example of an ideal daughter until I fell in love with the guy from a different religion.
I met Vikram (Name changed) on the Internet when I was in my second year of architecture. After four months of chatting and talking over the phone, we decided to meet. I was completely mesmerized by the way he spoke to me and took care of me. Though he was eight years older than me, we were extremely compatible.
I could never get along with guys my age, as I found them childish.
Vikram and I met four times in a span of four years but I knew that he was the one. My parents were shocked by my decision to marry him. They’d never expected me to marry a guy who didn’t belong to the same religion and city. But I was adamant. I made my life a mess.
I became a rebel until they agreed to get me married to the love of my life.
I was in 7th heaven. I can't remember a single day when Vikram and I didn’t talk for hours on end. Both of us were so excited and happy. The wedding preparations began and after months of shopping, the D-day arrived. I couldn't keep calm; I was ecstatic about spending the rest of my life with Vikram.
I’d packed a pair of clothes to be worn on the morning after the wedding and sexy lingerie for the night! The ceremony got over and I was finally in the hotel room with my husband. We were lying on the bed when he said that he felt bad for me since I had to leave my parents and move to a different city.
Though I was touched by his thoughtfulness, I was also eager to go and change into something sexy.
He always said that he wanted to see me in such attire. I was jolted out of my reverie when he suddenly said, “Can you please turn around and sleep, your presence is distracting me! I'm too tired and I’m also not used to sharing my bed with anyone.” I was shocked! I didn’t know what to say.
I turned around and cried the entire night. I reasoned that it was okay for him to feel nervous on the wedding night. Though it was my first time too, I decided to take things slow. I looked forward to our honeymoon. However, within 15 days of the wedding, his behavior changed drastically.
He was always tired, annoyed or unwell.
I was having a hard time adjusting in the new place with new people. My mother-in-law wasn't supportive either and would often taunt me for no reason. I didn’t know what to do to please them. But it was Vikram's behavior that troubled me all the time.
I still hoped that things would get sorted with time. On our honeymoon, we tried twice to have sex but he always seemed scared and nervous.
All my efforts to look sexy and excite him went in vain.
Yet, I didn’t lose hope. I kept trying for almost nine months until one day, I found him sexting on the Internet. I happened to see his laptop open and realized that he’d been talking to a number of women.
I handled it in a mature way and told him to change his habits. But he didn’t stop till the time I got furious. I had taken up a job in a college, as I thought it help me make new friends in the new city. However, nothing could distract me from worrying about my relationship.
I was always very confident about the way I looked and carried my self. But Vikram made me question myself.
Was I not good looking? Was I not attractive enough for him? Was there something wrong with me?
I spent the nights crying myself to sleep because he would say, "I love you", and then turn around and sleep. I felt so unwanted! He took me out for movies and dinners.
But I wanted more. I was craving my husband's love.
Whenever he thought I was depressed, he’d take me on a holiday. He was a friend to me, not a husband.
Then he started a new business, post which he had no time to even think about what was missing in our relationship. I kept sulking. I tried for almost three years and when I couldn’t take it anymore, I told my parents.
It was so difficult for me to tell my parents that I was still a virgin!
My parents took us to various doctors, mainly sexologists. They kept asking me things that I was trying hard to forget. What did he do on the first night? How did you find his touch? I knew that I had to go through this if I wanted to make things work. I tried hard to co-operate but nothing worked.
While I was craving for his love, for the passion, it seemed that he never had the same urge.
He was so anxious when he tried to touch me. I felt that he was doing it only to tell others that he tried. I felt disgusted. Each time he tried to kiss me, I knew that this was not the love I deserved. I couldn’t let him touch me like that.
I pushed him away as I couldn't bear his touch anymore.
I left my job and visited my parents often. I stayed with them for months. Each time Vikram would come and say, "I'll make it work. Come back with me for the last time." My parents would encourage me to not give up.
He was busy in his business and traveled often. I’d keep waiting and give it another chance every time he returned. I was depressed. It was around this time that one of my friends told me about a new dating app.
I got curious and decided to try it for fun. I told Vikram about it too as I thought this would make him feel insecure and help our relationship in some way. But he paid no heed. I started chatting with various guys. I even met two of them when I went to visit my parents.
I always told them that I was married and I just wanted new friends who didn’t talk about their in-laws or babies!
It was really fun to meet and flirt harmlessly. It made me regain my confidence and I felt I was good enough to get anybody I want. That is when I met Salil (Name changed). He was also married and I knew that he wasn’t looking for anything serious. We chatted for hours, mostly sexted.
He worked as a painkiller and I felt wonderful.
I forgot my worries. He said he loved me and I took it as an excuse to get laid. We decided to meet when I was visiting my parents’ place. I was nervous and excited.
I felt like a teenager who had lied to her parents and was going to meet this guy she barely knew.
We got physical within barely two hours of meeting. I felt the heat and passion that I was always looking for in Vikram. He was still on my mind and I stopped. I told Salil that I needed time to decide how I felt about this, as both of us were married. He waited patiently and expressed his love towards me.
He made my heart melt. He said that he was happy in his marriage but he knew that we shared something special. I could sense that something was not right from the way he spoke to his wife but he dismissed it as general issues.
I felt like the "other woman" in his life and the thought killed me.
I abruptly stopped talking to Salil and went back to Vikram with the thought of making our relationship work. However, Vikram wasn't willing. His behavior towards me worsened. He never had time for me. He’d shout at me and insult me often. I was devastated.
I called Salil and we decided to meet again. We stayed together for two days and I had the best time of my life.
He gave me all the love I’d always craved for.
We had a connection, which was unexplainable. I was still worried about breaking his marriage though he assured me that it wouldn’t happen. I thought we could be just like friends with benefits!
He was not looking for a future and I was just looking for some love.
He looked at me like I was the most beautiful woman on this earth. I could see his love in his eyes, and I fell in love! He made me feel beautiful and sexy. He believed in me and inspired me to start my own practice as an architect. He was always supportive. I often advised him to make things better with his wife.
We became best friends. But I was still in love.
When I told my sister about Salil, she warned me that I was committing another mistake, which would lead to more complications in the future. I knew that we had no future together. But I looked forward to his calls every day.
Even after eight months of being together, he’d call me 10 times a day just to say, "I love you!"
He made me so happy and content. In the meanwhile, Vikram still wanted to live with me and 'make things work'.
I'd wasted 10 years of my life in loving someone who never loved me. And now I was in love with someone who could never be mine.
I wish I’d moved out of my marriage much earlier. But better late than never. I met Salil and explained that I needed to be on my own.
I did not want us to be in an uncertain relationship with no future.
I still love him and I don't know if I can ever get over him. Vikram and I separated on a bitter note and I moved to a different city. Today, I live independently and look forward to a brighter future.