I was a happy-go-lucky kid, brought up in a middle class family. My parents provided me with everything I needed because I was their only girl child. As I grew older, I started getting a lot of attention and admiration from guys. I had a fun college life. My friends and I decided that we would pursue our further studies abroad.
Life in another country was pretty amazing too. It was here, during my post graduation, that I met a guy and fell in love with him.
He was smart, intelligent and came across as a genuine person. He earned my respect. I was 21, back then, and had never been in love with anyone. Being in love felt nice. It was only later in our relationship that I realized, that just like any other person, he too had his flaws. But we survived through them all. I finished my studies and found a job. After working for two years, I decided to get married to my boyfriend and so I returned to India to convince my parents about him. Since they never said no to me for anything I asked from them, they accepted my boyfriend too and were ready to get us married.
One day, though, my boyfriend called and said that he had changed his mind and would never get married to anyone. This news left me shocked. He even refused to give me any explanations for his decision.
My parents spoke to him and his mom about it, but he remained adamant about his decision. This upset me for a few days and I lost all respect for him. However, with time, I moved on and hoped that everything would turn out fine. I found another job in India, in my hometown and was happy to gain back my financial independence.
About a year later after this incident, a close friend tried to set me up with a guy she thought would make a perfect match for me. At this point I had no one else in my life, so I thought of giving him a shot.
That’s how I met my future husband. When I first met him I was fairly attracted to him. He was handsome and came across as a decent person.
My friend also spoke well about his behaviour. He told me that he liked me and proposed marriage to me. This did not surprise me since my friend had already told me that he liked me. Since there was no one else in my life at that point and I couldn’t find a fault in him, I said yes to him. This time, however, my parents were a little hesitant and wanted to do a background check on the guy, especially about his financial status since he ran his own business. Because I had already committed to him, I somehow convinced my parents about him by telling them that he was well educated and hard working. Finally, my parents too agreed for our match and we got married.
This decision changed my life, forever. I moved into my new home in a different city and started living with my husband and his parents. Though I moved in with a lot of hope, I started feeling suffocated and out of place. I felt lost. Initially, I did not understand why I felt this way, why I wasn’t happy in my married life. Soon, I realised it was because of my husband. As someone who had recently left her single life, her parents, her home behind, I needed more attention from him. He wasn’t expressive and I couldn’t feel his love for me. In fact, he was rude to me, at times. He didn’t appreciate anything I did for him.
He had a problem with the way I walked, the way I sat and even the way I spoke. I could not even have a proper conversation with him. I found it difficult to open up with him.
Even our sex life wasn’t great. Many a times, I felt like he was self obsessed. After a few months, I tried to communicate my feelings to him but I only ended up feeling more neglected and hurt. Instead of trying to understand me, he became defensive. He prioritized his friends and his parents over me. Within months I also realized that his business was in trouble and he wasn’t doing well, financially. I used to work at that time, so I supported him a couple of times with money as well, but he never acknowledged any of it. Things kept getting worse. We did not even go on a honeymoon. I never demanded anything from him and only tried to help him in all his troubles. Once, I suggested that he take up a job since his business was only a start up and he was still young and could return to it at any age, but even this did not go down well with him.
I started feeling like a zombie, lost without any support. I could not share all this with my parents since I knew it would make them terribly upset. I fell into depression and after a couple of years decided that I needed to fight for my life. I thought of taking my husband away from his toxic friends and his business, which had no scope. I got an opportunity to work abroad and somehow I convinced him to move with me. Since we needed to find a place to stay, I moved first and we planned that he would join me in six months.
In the meantime, he also tried to look for a job in the same city as me. One day, though, I had an encounter with a girl who I now know was a lesbian. She was madly in love with me. I liked her too, but back then, I did not know that she was a lesbian. I invited her home casually one day. That day I realized, I was bisexual. She came home, we had some good coffee, sat on the couch and started watching something on the TV. I had never felt so relaxed in the last few years. I could talk about anything and everything with her. We laughed, we sang, we danced together.
She was very expressive and told me how beautiful she thought I was. She started playing with my hair and it felt good. She started running her fingers through my neck and it made me tingle, all over. I went with the flow.
Today, I like having sex with her. I am no longer attracted to men, not even my husband. I am in love with her. The best part about our relationship is that the sex is never forced or one-sided. It is always consensual. I love the gentleness in her touch and the warmth in her hug.
I don’t feel guilty, in fact, in a long time, I finally feel good. I am not sure about the future with my husband now.