He Took Two Condoms When He Went On That Trip. I Still Need Answers.
I heard a new word. It was THAT kinda word that would make you super curious because suddenly, the vocabulary you know explodes and meanings take different directions. That new word was 'gay', and I was 13 years old. As soon as I came to know what it meant, I realized I was gay.
It took me years to accept myself. I had to move to a new city for work. Everything was just okay but then I met this amazing guy there.
For me, it was love at first sight. For him, I honestly don't know what it was.
The day we met, he decided to delete all the gay networking apps because according to him, he had already "found me".
Two months later, he accidentally told me that he was chatting with a guy on that app. When I asked him why he was there, he said: "Soya toh nahin kisi ke saath" (I didn't sleep with anyone). That didn't sound very grounding to me.
One day, when he was out of station for work, I realized he took a couple of condoms, and when I asked him about it, the issue changed to how I'm incapable of trusting him. Completely unsure why I didn't ask myself if he was trustworthy at all.
He went back to the app and exchanged numbers with abandon. When I ask, he says he's like that only. But good news, he isn't sleeping around.
He knew my phone's password. He has gone through my phone a few times but he never lets me touch his phone. Over the months, I realized I cared for him more than he cared for me.
I asked him ten-ten times how his fever was. While he didn't even ask how my chest pain was. Don't think he'd notice if it was a heart attack. We have had our share of fights and every time, I accept it was my mistake. Still, I have to hear him gloat about his superior skills in crisis managing our conflicts. As if managing himself makes him eligible for an award.
Once after getting drunk, I called him materialistic (which he is). He made an issue out it. But when he pushed me after getting drunk, it was no big deal.
He has been with multiple guys before me but whenever I want to talk about it, he never responds. Once in weeks, I come to know about a new guy he dated years back.
Half the time, he doesn't listen to what I say and then changes the topic. The other half he's busy someplace else. He doesn't even know the name of my best friends.
If I comment on his pictures on social media, he deletes them because he feels people would come to know of us. I don't feel appreciated or valued when I am with him. There has hardly been any time when he has told me how he feels.
The only reason I am with him is that he's my first boyfriend and I don't want this to end so soon. I don't know if ever I'll find someone who isn't ashamed to accept me, who values me, who appreciates me, who doesn't manipulate, who listens.