This happened recently.
I was busy getting settled into my new job after being jobless for almost a year now. I was desperate to fit in there. I was already at my lowest points before then. I didn’t know what to do, I was open and receptive to absolutely anything that came my way. I was only satisfied that I finally got something; I was finally beginning to gradually feel better.
One day, a Facebook friend abused me over chat. He wrote, and I quote, “You are one ugly, fat, lonely woman who chases love badly and gets rejected and dumped due to your sheer attitude and behavior.” I didn’t react at first. I ignored his comment, but I deep down, I was stunned by this comment. I wondered how many people must this way about me? While I was anxious, I began sinking into his thoughtless message and began introspecting, ferociously.
Also, because this was the second time in six months some that a ‘friend’ criticized me for being ugly.
Earlier, an admission like this had come from a guy I had met in one of my tours a couple of years ago.
He was calm, subtle, open to healthy flirting; he was a charmer. Twenty minutes into our conversations, he was already getting weak in my knees. Here was a man, an interesting character. One who could freely admit his weaknesses and yet always emerge a winner. His one fascination was women who intellectually stimulated him. I wasn’t surprised to know that I was one of them.
He did express his liking towards me, on several occasions. But he was also clear, that if he were to date or see a relationship with someone, then his lady better be super good looking and have a sexy figure.
This would not only make his imagination more fruitful but also make reality more fulfilling. He agreed that he can’t help but place emphasis on good looks and a good body, without a doubt. To that extent, I always felt safe because, in my mind, anyone who thinks like this is cheap, shallow and vulgar.
But one fine day, something happened.
Six years later, after the trip, he came back to let me know how insufficient he felt and began calling me names and b***hing about me. He apologized for calling me ugly. But soon enough, he couldn’t bear the idea of being seen with me in public.
Instead of feeling humiliated, insulted and ridiculed, I landed up applauding his honesty, openness, and transparency. It takes courage, determination and willpower to not only admit to seeing life in this black and white manner. No man does this.
Needless to mention, he began to keep in touch with me through Whatsapp. We began to have meaningful conversations, calls, texts and also felt deeply engaged to know more about each other. His questions and involvement in my life, his attention to detail, it was these things that turned me on and made me feel like we were connecting.
Somehow, I sensed that there was something artificial about his conviction and dedication to my life. He used to feel agitated about this when I confronted him.
At the same time, our chats grew exponentially. Long hours of endless conversation became a routine. He shared his feelings on proposing, relationships, marriage and more with me. A smiling silence, it was the only response that I could give him.
One night, he furiously texted me: “Babe, I always express so much love, affection and care to you because I love you to death. I promise you that you will be the last person I would want to hurt. You are like an angel in my life; you’ve healed me completely. I have never seen a woman who has always been there for me so selflessly to hold me, support me and to protect me too. There is no woman who understands me the way you do. You are not just special to me, but I know that my life is going to be nice with you tagging along. I need you. I want you and I have become possessive about you. I’m only wondering why you don’t tell me once that you are mine? You have no idea how badly I would be elated with just one confession from you!”
I replied: “I’m sorry dear, but I can confess something like this to you only if it comes naturally to me. I know this may offend you, but I don’t feel hopeful about us. I don’t see a future with you in it. Yes, I like you, for who you are. I accept you, without any conditions, for your mind-full presence and intelligence. I also take you at face value, that your feelings and respect for me comes from a good and honest place. But I also know that you place a lot of emphasis on good looks and that I’m ugly, in your books. It has been several years since we’ve seen each other and I know that the bubble you’re in will burst immediately, the moment you see me.
He wasn’t angry when I said this. In fact, he laughed and said: “Are you mad? I’m in love with you baby. I want to date you, have a relationship with you, and our investment these days has just given me so much more clarity about us together. I’ve grown more into you that looks can’t take over as a reason to reject you. On the contrary, I should be more worried and insecure about you leaving me for all these reasons and more!”
I was silent. I didn’t know what to say. He knew that my: “Ok.” Was a loaded one. There was a strict five-minute buffer that he requested before we hung up. He said it prepared him to let me go. I couldn’t help but find this to be the most irresistible part of him.
On one day when we were chatting with him, he was on a Skype call with his client. This triggered me to ask him if we could do a video call too. It was such a big event for him that he left everything just to get on a call with me. He came online, switched the lights on in his room, organized his laptop so that I could see him and finally, after so many years, we saw each other.
We both noticed that we had put on some weight and had become more plump and cute. He assumed I was alone at home and the first thing he said was, “You are a hot babe. But I can only see your face and a black t-shirt. Don’t you think I deserve to see more? Don’t you think we should take advantage of this video call?”
All I could do was manage a small smile. He went on, “Tell me, what are you wearing? Why don’t you show me yourself? Why don’t you remove that t-shirt and show me how white you are?” I was taken aback. I told I’m not comfortable with all this nonsense and his attitude suddenly changed.
He unapologetically ordered me to relax, he said he’s just teasing me. Perhaps to cover this, he also exclaimed that he would make for a good son-in-law to my mother. After that, he kept staring at my face: noticing my dark circles, no lipstick on my lips, my slightly oily hair. He wanted to see if he could make me nervous. I wasn’t nervous, but I was uneasy and frozen. Somehow, we arrived at our last five-minute buffer space. We ended the call with an assurance to talk soon.
After that conversation, he never came online and never bothered to reach out or connect with me. And the next thing I know, he’s blocked me from every medium possible, including Whatsapp. No buffer this time, no silent treatment, no communication, nothing… he simply vanished. Disappeared and became non-existent in my life.
I’m not saying that this wasn’t expected. It was. Perhaps he was always a cheat and fake individual. But I was devastated because I knew that it was too good to be true. I was angry at myself, for entertaining him. I was silent; at a battle with myself, I hated myself for believing him. I am not just sorry for myself, but also sorry for trusting people the way they are.
He killed the innocence in me. His warnings of being a womanizer during our conversations, it haunts me now. He murdered my essential values of trust, belief, and respect within me.
I’m still fighting to be normal now. Yes, I did get saved, from being physically used and abused by him. But I hope such realize how inhumane it is, to emotionally rape someone as a tactic to get someone to bed; to fulfill their selfish motive of lust, sexual desire or just physical intimacy. It isn’t fair and it’s just not acceptable.