During the first 6 months of your pregnancy, your husband will feel like he is the luckiest fellow around. You are on a hormonal overdrive, are forever horny and hungry too! But post the 7^th month, there is a sudden dip and you don’t want to have sex – at all.

Your boobies start getting a little heavy and you don’t like them anymore. You ask your husband to forget about fondling them for a while because right now, you don’t even want him to touch them. By this time, you are so big (you can’t even see your toes kinda big!!) that you don’t want to poke the baby and hence there is no sex until baby comes along!

Once the baby is born, you’d probably think to yourself, “Aaaah! The baby is out here now, so we can get naughty again!!” YOU CAN THINK AGAIN! During the first 1.5 months, your stitches heal and the baby settles into a routine. You are sleep deprived and the baby wails at odd times. The baby needs your constant attention and you have to feed the baby. Basically the Gods are against you!

When your baby is about a month and a half old, you will start dreaming of minimalistic jumping around in bed! Let me forewarn you about a basic fact: Most of the time you will just be dreaming about it. Your baby will sleep through the night, only if you have been making her follow an exceedingly strict routine.

I can’t stress enough about how important it is to make your baby follow a routine as soon as she’s a month old. Because take it from me – post 11 p.m. EVERYONE including your husband will go off to sleep and you will end up with a wailing, shrieking kid in your arms. You will receive a lot of flak from your husband and in-laws for trying to get your child to follow a routine at an infantile stage. But do in anyways because it this is imperative for YOUR happiness and peace of mind.

So the baby finally sleeps through the night. Yayieeee!! You think? Me thinks not! "Why?" You ask. Because first, you have stayed up the entire day playing with the baby and it is really tiresome! Second, chances are that you have also cooked and cleaned and fed the kid! Let’s not forget this because it is quite literally a job and a tiresome job at that. Feeding the baby doesn’t end at drinking milk. Drinking milk takes a whole of 20 minutes and burping baby takes up another 15 minutes. That is a full 35 minutes right there. And you are doing this after every 2 hours!! Good luck!!

So, when your baby finally sleeps off at 10 p.m., you are a satisfied woman! You know that your child will not wake up before 7 in the morning! Congratulations! Life will only get better now! Na na! Not sex life! Life! At least your kid and you have the same bio clock now. All you want to do is sleep! Sorry baby, it ain’t happening tonight either!

Also, did I mention how untidy I look? Or did you figure that out yourself? A facial, manicures, pedicures and waxing are faraway fantasies right now. These are luxuries that only rich men can afford and you, my friend, are a pauper!

“Well, you had the entire day to yourself as well! Surely the baby caught a wink or two!” said my friend with a look of longing on his dear face. Certainly! Absolutely! I said eagerly.

What we didn’t know was that babies have a way of knowing! You’ll probably start kissing and your baby will know and will let out just the tiniest little “Chuuuaaaeeeeen!!” Baby no share momma! Sorry dada! Tough luck!!

And if somehow, the Gods do favor you and your baby is sleeping and your husband is also at home (Well, when we are on a sabbatical, the poor man has to go out and earn a living because he has a family to feed now!) and you finally get down to some pumping and jumping and humping; let me reassure you that all that you have read about pain – it is allll true!

The first time you have sex after your baby is born; there is no pleasure – it is only pain all the way! Why you will practically feel like a virgin again. You have to give the doctors full credit for stitching you up so nicely and so properly that you are as good as new!! At one point of time, I even considered putting a little ribbon and giving it as a brand new ‘gift’ to my husband!

Congratulations to you! The Gods finally favored you and you managed to finally have it without baby interfering. And now you are left wondering with the thought that, “Man, this used to be fun!” Yes, in the past tense! Well, better luck next time! And the next time, I can assure you, will be after a long long wait!

There will be times when you will act like a determined woman; a woman on a mission! The mission being: Let’s get laid! Every time you hear a “Chuuuaaaeeen” from baby, you pacify her and get back to what you were doing. You are still in the mood and up for it.

You start from scratch with your bigger baby! Like yeah, you are literally scratching his b**ls and getting his c^^k to do a cock-a doodle-do. Once you have managed to get things going again, there is another “Chuuuuuaaaeeeeeen!!” “Bahahahah!!” Like I said: babies know!!

And when you finally give up and pick up your little one, she smiles the cutest little toothless smile and your heart melts instantly! And daddy dear doesn’t mind things anymore either!! Although I am still hopeful!

Share This Story