I hate cheating.
I’ve been cheated enough in the past to loathe it. And having any relationship with a married man is a big NO. I don’t judge those who are in a relationship with married people but I’d decided that it’s not for me—until you came along.
I know that anything said concerning how I fell for you would seem defensive to a lot of people, but I know what I know about you and because of that I realized I really love you—I saw you as a male version of myself, only a lot more sane than I am.
I consider myself a paradox; a human being with a never-ending streak of ideas and out-of-this-world thoughts that drive me to think even more deeply. I have trust issues and am detached from a lot of things, yet I’m always moving forward, looking at the bright side, wondering how tomorrow would be and what more I could do—my world is pretty crazy.
Crazy enough for people to just pack and go. But you didn’t.
You listened to me, encouraged and supported me. You were simply there. You simply stayed. You respected my boundaries and valued my beliefs and principles. You never asked me to do things I didn’t want. Yet, you often challenged me.
Out of pride, I didn’t want to label our relationship because that would make me a mistress. Sarcastic, I know. Feel free to chuckle or raise a brow or something. But to me, we were not under any bracket of ‘exclusive’ dating.
For me, we were just two people who prefer each other’s company rather than the crowd.
I know forever kinds of things between us are impossible. I know that you wouldn’t be able to give me your full time. I know that you would always prioritize your family. I know that I wouldn’t be as important to you as your wife would be. I know that there will come a time that you won’t be able to contact because it’s your scheduled family day. I know that I would be crying and you wouldn’t be by my side because you took your wife on a date—I know that much and more that it hurts.
There were times I thought you were unfair. That all I did was to be considerate and understanding of the situation. I was the one always trying to give way. I was the one who was always left somewhere. What about me?—you apologized a lot; thanked me so much for the happiness you felt and how blessed you are because I arrived in your life.
Then, one day, what ifs came to mind: What if you become enough for me? What if I lost interest in being with other guys? What if I look for you in every guy I meet? What if I won’t settle for anyone besides you? What if I won’t settle for anything that is less than what you’ve shown and made me feel? What will become of me then? It’s scary.
But despite those, there is one thing that I knew: if someone could love me this much just by being who I am, then I didn’t need to change.
And for someone who’s detached, by loving you, I slowly opened myself to pain and hurt and welcomed my vulnerabilities and weaknesses with open arms. I still have a long way to go with my issues, but at least I’ve started to walk.
Even if I find someone who I can say my forever vows to, you will always have a place in my heart. You brought this sheltered princess who grew up unconsciously trying to please everyone out of her tower and showed her what it’s like outside where she decided to be queen and take control—for that, I’ll always be thankful.