My name is Nuzhat Kazi, and today I am here to share something about me that not too many people know.
I wasn't opening up - mainly because I honestly felt people didn't need to know. However, I recently read a story online about a girl who was bullied for the same, and I felt speaking about something like this is a lot more critical than one would think.
So here I go... *nervous sigh* There was a time in my life when I felt like everything was going off balance & not working out the way I'd envisioned it to. Suffering from claustrophobia and severe anxiety, I tend to over-analyze every situation. To me, every situation started looking ten times bigger than it was. I kept trying to ignore it, pushed it away due to which, I wasn't sleeping enough. I stayed up nights; not because I wanted to, but just because I couldn't sleep even if I tried. The minute I tried putting my phone aside in an attempt to sleep - I'd get these thoughts, that seemed so big and impossible to solve.
Mainly because by then, I had overwhelmed myself enough by pondering too hard on it. All of this took a toll on my health, and my hormones shot through the roof. Then the obvious happened with a hormone shift; I began putting on weight. Initially, I didn't make too much of it. I didn't even bother.
Since I'm short, the weight showed on me a lot faster than it would on most people. At first, it was just the people at home asking me to drop the few extra kilos, diet, workout, and walk after eating. Soon, everyone around me began pointing fingers, and calling me out on it, as though they were entitled to do so. I believe that it was harmless; nevertheless, I would not say I liked it.
I don’t think it’s okay to forcefully impose your entitlement/ opinion on someone without knowing anything about their journey. Anyone that's been through this knows it's not a very good feeling. And that is what made me come out about this, today in the open. Each person is more than their body. And no one deserves to be called out for it.
Not everyone's reason to gain weight is the love of food, and even if that was the reason, absolutely nothing gives anyone any right to belittle another! I was stuck in such an infinite loop where I would take a step to feel better and somehow, weirdly unable to handle it simultaneously & regret it. I kept going back to square one. I didn't feel like doing much. Even energy levels to perform at work drastically dropped, then the pandemic hit, aggravating my existing struggles.
I felt like I was changing as a person. I tried taking yoga classes and functional training with a few friends to motivate me. I tried various fasting methods by downloading multiple apps, even diligently followed my friends' piece of advice.
The day you need to realize something, it'll just happen on its own when you least expect it! One fine day, it dawned on me, I learned in this whole loop; I got myself stuck into, it wasn't the weight that bogged me down. It was my own self-image that did. It was my overthinking that caused me to be where I was. I needed to understand myself and discover myself. Having said that I needed to embrace who I am, who I was, and what I’ll be. It's all part of me, slowly, but surely I am learning.
This year onwards, I will stand for myself as I begin to cut myself off from comments, connections, and toxic declarations. In doing so, I realize that I was overloaded with the constant fear of “what will they think”. Those baseless “they” of the society who know nothing about my journey, will now not be allowed to hamper my peace of mind anymore, I will learn from my mistakes and keep moving forward each day with a step towards self-love and kindness.
I am just a normal girl who decided to stop overthinking and, eventually, focus on things that make me happy. I grew up fighting for everything I stand for, and I will not give up now. I've worked hard to achieve my dream. My career, my friends, my family, my weight - my everything. I shall not allow anyone to think they are entitled to make me feel otherwise.