I am just your regular 20-something person with a handsomely paying job, good family, loyal friends and amazing life. From the outside.
You don't want to have a closer look because this field isn't all that green. It is brown, blue, black, yellow and every other color possible. What is my problem? Well, isn't that the million dollar question?
Let's start off with the obvious. I have trust issues and commitment issues. I am not exactly very comfortable in my skin. When I am on the receiving end of a compliment, red buzzer goes off in my head yelling at me saying, that the person giving it, is up to something or that he/she has an inside joke.
All my bullies and the ones I "love" can take the credit for it. Trust has become a word that people just throw around me when they want to get their things done.
I am not that person who can speak openly about her issues. When I have something going on inside my head, I just dig a hole, bury myself in it for days until I convince myself that I am fine and all through it act like I am fine. Well clearly I'm not and there isn't a golden angle that fell from heaven yet, who can read my emotions from my eyes (damn you, books and movies).
I am so confused right now that a jigsaw puzzle will look like a walk in the park to me. I want to do something in life. One second I want to win the world with my words and the next I want to fly to Syria to save the children suffering there.
I want to do my masters but I don't know what to choose. I don't want to do something just for the sake of doing it. I want it to be useful, meaningful.
I want to start something on my own. A little something that will help not just me, but also some people who need help - the "something" is again a question mark.
For a girl who wants to conquer the world, I can't do simple things even if I am dying to do them because I'm scared that I will disappoint my parents. I can't get a tattoo, I can't go to late night parties, I can't stay at my friends' homes for a night, I can't go on a solo trip. I am sick and tired of living in their shadow. I know the world isn't exactly a peachy place to be living in by yourself but it isn't really #goals to be an adult and be living with your parents either.
I know my parents mean well and are trying to protect me. But until when? I want to fight my own wars and I don't want them to be taking care of me even now. That just makes me feel like a helpless damsel in distress who always needs someone to rescue her.
My parents are giving me "time and space" because the last time they spoke with me about my marriage, I proved to them that can be a human nuclear bomb.
Oh the joy! But I know it will not last. World war 2345676 will still happen and I will finally be tied down to a rock. I've never had a boyfriend nor have I tried to make one. As a kid I fantasied about my knight in white Audi, and then I grew up. I just don't find it practical and I don't think it's fair. People who have known me their entire lives can't tell the difference between my real smile and the one that I plaster everyday, how can some guy with a completely different life be there for me no matter what? Now every guy looks like a potential threat to me. Why?
If not for the obvious stories all over the news, every married/unmarried couple around me are neck deep in issues but are just putting up a happy face in front of the "society".
Oh and don't get me started on the society. My family has been the center of fake pity, truck loads of free advice and also the point of bad example because my sister is going through a divorce. Apparently we did not think twice before we pushed my sister into a pit. Ya, because we did that on purpose and we enjoy watching her suffer. All the times we cried with her right in the middle of the night and all the nonsense we had to put up with was for fun. We enjoyed the gig.
I will come across as a snarky, sarcastic and funny nerd because over the years that has become my super hero costume. Hide it before they find it.
Here I am laughing it off like it's nothing BUT it is killing me from the inside. I know at some point I am going to figure out what has to be done and all this will look like small issues but now when all of this is smothering me from the inside, optimism seems to have taken a back seat.
This is not a cry for help, I just want to get it out of my system, all of it. I am scared that if I share it with someone I know, they will use it against me or fall as low as using it as a funny jab in the middle of a conversation. It has happened before, so you can't just ask me to "try saying this to someone, it might help".
All I am trying to say is that no one has it easy, observe the little things in the ones you love. I know from experience what this kind of suffering looks like and I also know that I will never use people's issues against them, every time I have a slightest feeling that someone I know is acting a little different I make it a point to find out what's wrong and try to be a shoulder they can lean on. There's a difference between a heartfelt 'Hi' and half-hearted 'Hi', look for it and try to make things right for them in the smallest way possible.
If everyone looked out for someone, there would not be a 'Me' writing this long essay of sorrow in the middle of the night asking to be heard.