In my new job, I got too many things on my plate. I realized I had to learn A LOT. I told myself, 'I have to resolve my language issues; also I have to learn how the digital industry works!' After having the first conversation with the MD of the agency, I was all pumped up.
My gut said that this agency will change me, will change my life, from the way I see it. Somewhere my subconscious knew that this was the 'break it or make it' time in my life. And just then, I broke.
It was because of a few misleading, intimidating people around me and of course due to my language issues. Yes, the baggage got heavier than before. I got more confused and my confidence dropped like never before.
I left that agency also and after working for almost 3 and a half years, I woke up on a Monday morning in my bed. I had no emails to check, I had no one to report to. I had nothing to do. Several such Mondays went by and I was like that typical graph from a presentation that showed my progress sometimes and downfall many more times.
It is difficult to sit at home after 3 and a half years of going to office. It is certainly frustrating. I mean your mind starts playing stupid games with you. You dwell on the negative emotions and that is the beginning to self-destruction.
You need to make that conscious effort to be on a track and ignore the negative whispers in your head. While being at home, apart from my cribbing sessions I made an effort to enhance and develop my Instagram account – girlwithlilnotes. Surprisingly, this was the account that gave me my previous job.
I worked on making it better and while doing that I realized something about myself. It was my eureka moment.
I never belonged to the advertising world, I never was. I cannot sell products with my flowery words. No, that can’t happen. As a mass media graduate, that was my vision once when I started, but now, I am way too skeptical! I can write poems, short stories, blogs where I can express myself (just like this one) but I can’t write copies for a brand’s Facebook post or a blog post that revolves around a filthy product that I don't even believe in.
I find writing for advertisements intimidating. However, when it comes to love, romance, eroticism, slice of life stories, I can think effortlessly. My writing reflects the person within me. Somehow, it wasn’t possible to find a job with that kind of writing.
With a disturbed and scared state of mind I took up a part time job, again as a copywriter. Here the things went a little smoother than before. But my car again hit the rocky road; the only difference was, things were not said to me in a harsh way this time. The conversations were calm and civilised. My boss and seniors were nice to me. In the meanwhile, my Instagram account became a hit, I got featured on a Facebook Writers’ page, got 1k+ likes and shares.
The comments on those posts just moved me and the writer inside me danced to the tune of "I had a dream".
But I am not going to lie; I really cannot frame things or put it in the 'right' structure according to standard grammar rules or advertising rules! This has been the nerve wrecking problem all this while. Why is it so necessary to follow these rules? Why can’t I talk like Yoda most of the time?! I somehow never understood what sounds correct and what doesn’t and that made the problem even worse.
Yes, I needed a break from these things. The only way to get this break was to not live in denial anymore and accept that I have an issue. So, I quit hiding. I stopped getting embarrassed whenever someone corrected my english. The knot inside me was slowly untying itself with this attitude — it made me write fearlessly.
I am still coming out of my shell, and I hope to be completely out of it soon. Because, I don't want to leave anything unheard, unsaid, or unread just because...