How I Realized That S*** Happens In Life And It's Okay

Neha Mehta Neha Mehta in Let's Face It on 1 September, 2017

"I don’t want to go home," said the little girl crying inside me. I was completely exhausted of doing the routine daily chores and passing each day with a smile, convincing myself that this joblessness would be a boon someday. “Take it easy”, I’d tell myself and would just pray that it helps me sail through. I did all these things and I am still doing it. But I am tired. Yes, just about six months of not having a job, no personal life, no professional life, absolutely no direction in life, no sensibilities to work upon, and I am fed up. I am anyway quite a restless person.

Deep down, I am very positive about what will greet me eventually and how I will overcome all the challenges but what kills me for now, within, is the inability to accept this ‘phase’.

I don’t get insecure. I am neither frustrated nor cribbing about the decision I took a couple of months back that led to this time in my life. I am just not feeling too well. I know I am just not happy or at peace. Ironically, it is not because I don’t have a job or the money isn’t flowing in, or I am unable to pursue my personal goals. Strangely, it is something else.

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I haven’t been at peace since a long time now. It is perhaps about me, my fears, my weaknesses and my inactions that have started surfacing in layers and is now brewing up to the tee.

It is making me vulnerable. It is also bringing in the strength to try new things at the same time. Yet, I am not confident enough to channelize these energies into something more meaningful. I have become so sure and certain about many things that I think I can do, that now that I have become unsure of what I should do - 'Jack of all traits, master of none' kind of feeling. My education, experience, exposure and extreme dedication to the corporate bandwagon is suddenly perceived as futile.

I don’t feel the pinch personally but I do feel the emptiness within, a certain kind of hollowness. It is also not about the control and the decisions I used to have easy access to.

I have always been a person who never believed in making the ‘right’ decisions. I always took my decisions first and then made them right. And coming to think of it, this instinctive behavior in me has never disappointed me. I surely have made my fair share of mistakes but I have never regretted any of them. I always felt blessed that I made them, took control over them, and that I would own up to them at the end of the day. But now, I suddenly feel very lonely, emotionally unformed and extremely fragile.

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There is also something that I am longing for since a very long time. I am indeed chasing and looking for something nice, warm, soft, tender and beautiful. Something ecstatic. Something that can make me feel that now everything is perfect and nothing can go wrong. Something ideal, gentle and fairy tale like; just as if a new born baby has opened his eyes for the first time, sees the mother, feels the warmth of her hug and tries to smile! Something so human and so touching. Would you ever want to go away from that moment? Would you ever want that moment to cease?

It is so natural that one would hope everything else should just stop and life should pause forever in the moment, turning that one special feeling into an eternity.

I was very close to one such feeling when I was crying my guts out, like a 3-year-old child. This was in front of a person I adored the most, from the bottom of my heart. It has been ten years, and I haven’t gotten over him. What I felt for him has only built up more, it has only doubled and I am not even sure if this will ever fade. I had met him for a reason. But at the end of everything, I just hugged him super tight, broke down badly, left feeling shattered with a bucketful of tears.

So, when he obviously checked up on me to know why and what happened to me, all I could utter in reply is that “I don’t want to go home”, as if it was meant to be a mandatory reply.

It came out instinctively, straight out of my heart and I myself did not know the reason until I was blissfully shaken by what he said after. He stared at me for a really long time, paused, took a deep breath and as a response to my plea said to me, “Neha, you are lucky that you get to go home!” I was speechless. I had totally forgotten that one should never forget to count their blessings. I deeply felt a sense of gratitude towards him.

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It is not that I needed these validations. It is not like I don’t know the answers to what is going on right now. It is not that I wanted to be reassured of my good events. I know everything and I am very well facing this phase, the time, the energies, the downfall or so to speak, the opportunities.

I am aware and presently embracing all the energies coming my way. It is surely all in the mind. It is not about knowing what can go wrong further. It is about making things right with what I have now. There is no such turmoil that won’t pass. There isn’t any happiness that will remain permanent either.

If that passed, this too shall pass, whether good or bad. This remarkably reminds me of a striking comment he made while I was leaving, with a very strong handshake he said to me, “Take care Neha. Get a grip.” 
Author's Note:

All of us must intend to, and need to do this, all we should focus on is literally to take care of ourselves so that we can get a clear grip on our lives.

Thanks Buddy for marvelously helping me gulp down smoothly, this feeling of being stuck. These overwhelming thoughts of self-doubt and over-reaction have made it all worse. Thanks for always being there. You have been always been the best to me. Love you loads.

Editor's Note:

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