How I Realised It's Not My Fault That I'm Confused In My Life, It's Theirs

Anonymous Anonymous in Let's Face It on 20 May, 2017

All my life I’ve been told to do what I want to, become who I want to be.

Having said that, I have also been told to do what I should do and who I should be. But how can I do anything if what I want to do, is never what I should be doing? So I found a solution, maintain a balance. Find an equilibrium between ‘want’ and ‘should’ or at least the version I seem to have found while growing up.

I could do whatever I wanted but when the time came, I’d also have to pick what I should do. Similarly, I must focus on what I should be and more than on who I wanted to be. But as the years passed me by, I realized that a time will come when ‘should’ will overpower ‘want’ and I’ll have to devote my time and my life to be who I should be.

The version that I wanted to be, would have to wait, come in spurts, say on a fifteen-minute break or one clear day when I get a relief from my busy schedule.

I have followed the words of others diligently. Tried to maintain a perfect balance between everything I do in my life. I’ve gone out with my friends, but always returned on time before I could actually call it a ‘night out’ with my friends. I’ve gone out drinking with my friends, but never had more than three pegs. I have always stayed within my limits so I could please everyone. I turn off the lights but always keep the night lamp on, even though I prefer sleeping in darkness.

Would it be a lie if I said I don’t think it’s right to do what I should be? Yes, of course a part of me does think it’s right. That’s the only factor that has kept me going. But the thing is, that part is not big enough and I don’t know if it’s strong enough to keep me going forever. 

There’s only one conclusion that I can draw out of this: I’m confused.

Look at this piece of writing for instance. Who in their right mind would write about their melodramatic teenage phase; the ‘depression is art’ kinds? Especially when they have exams coming up. I’m confused. Just like the rest of the world.

I’ve maintained this balance all my life. So much so, that I don’t know what I want to do, what I want to be, or who I’m going to be.

I’ve been going with the flow here, following the words of people around me and things around me. But I’m only now coming to wonder, what if there is no balance? What if achieving an equilibrium is merely a hypothesis? What happens then?

I think that’s when I found the answer, the secret answer: There is no balance. I’m supposed to do what I want to do, and if that means making some terribly wrong decisions, so be it. Because it is never going to be too late to start from scratch and wait for all my hard work to pay off.