Dropping Out For 2 Years Gave Me More Than An MBBS Seat

Anonymous Anonymous in Let's Face It on 19 March, 2018

 

This is my story - of how dropping out for 2 years, got me much more than an MBBS seat...

"You are not eligible for counseling" - that was the only thing I read on my AIPMT 2015 result. I didn't bother myself too much with my rank or other details because they were of no use, but I quickly made my peace with it. After all, I hadn't gone to any coaching center during my schooling. I had just finished my 12th and had no idea as to what exactly one must expect, from a competitive exam of that magnitude. To be honest, I took it way too lightly (probably because I didn't realize what was at stake - my future).

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So there I was a happy girl of 17, who thought she was intelligent because scoring 95% in 12th is no joke. Clearly, I hadn't seen the ugly side of the world yet. It wasn't until all my neighbors and friends started sympathizing with me, for having to take a year off, by saying things like "oh, we are so terribly sorry for you", " What! You didn't get a college? But I thought you were intelligent." , did I start questioning myself. Added to that, seeing my parents trying so hard, to justify my decision to take a drop, didn't make things better. My otherwise very supportive father would often, in his drunk state, taunt me for not getting into a college. I didn't blame him for that. I blamed myself. After all, I was the one who wasn't good enough, to even be in a college.

I was losing myself with each passing day.

I was losing my sanity. I let the worlds' opinion get to my head and it did me no good. I reached a point where every time I sat with my books. I'd start questioning myself. I was reminded of how 'pathetic' and 'pitiful' my state was. No matter how hard I tried that frustration I had with myself, ruined my most cherished relationships. My friends barely understood why I didn't have time to talk to them. My family too couldn't figure out why I was being so short tempered.

My drop year ruined me.
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Cut to the day of NEET 2016 results. I was eligible for counseling, but with a rank of 9000, there was little to no chance of me getting a government MBBS seat. Nevertheless, my family didn't give up hope. neither did I. I went on to attend the state counseling in Rajasthan (my domicile). As my number was nearing, the number of vacant MBBS seats were reducing. My fate was decided. Either a government BDS seat or another drop. It wasn't an easy choice, but I was not ready to give up on my dream just yet. I had more fight left inside of me and I knew that if I had taken the easy road, I would always look upon that day and regret it. So, to avoid living a life full of regrets, I decided to take another drop year. I knew then itself that it won't be easy, but at least I would have the satisfaction, of not having given up on myself. What was to come was however much harder than I thought.

The second year, bought with it more sympathy and much more taunts. Needless to say, I was immune to them now. The world didn't bother me. What bothered me, was my own world collapsing, shattering into a million pieces. You see, the person who I had relied on very much, for the past few years, decided it was time to walk out and so he did. There I was, left with nothing, except my studies. I didn't have the time or the strength to pick myself back up. I just pushed through every day and broke down into tears in the silence of the night. It went on like that for a month or so, until one of my faculty members at the Aakash Institute talked to me about how my performance, was degrading with each test. I went back home that day and slapped myself. I was letting my weaknesses get to me and I knew better. That night I didn't cry myself to sleep, nor the night after that. If studies were all that I had left, then that was what my world will be. I started being hard on myself. Every time I was reminded, of something that would make me choke on sadness, I would sit with my books. I was using my studies to push my thoughts away. I had turned myself into a robot.

I had forbidden myself from feeling any kind of emotion.

I didn't know what else to do. I was alone and scared and had no other option. So I pushed through, with all the broken pieces of me, I pushed through all of it. It paid off! NEET 2017 result. I'm among the top 1000 ranks! It hadn't sunk in yet and I couldn't believe how far I had come. Now a girl of 20, I know for a fact that I'm not born with the brains of Einstein, but I have it in me to work hard and get what I want and I'm proud of that.

Fate may have had different plans for me, but my perseverance and dedication proved otherwise!
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