I am a normal looking girl from an upper-middle-class family. I always got what I dreamed of.
It all started off when I was working for a reputed company. As any girl's parents would, my parents also started looking for matches within the community that I belong to. As a matter of fact, I had never fallen in love with anyone. I was so excited because I felt I would get a man who would love me for the rest of my life, and naturally, I had a lot of expectations.
One such person, I met as a prospective groom was a guy who feel in a love with me instantly. I, on the other hand, was not sure of it. We exchanged numbers on our first meet at my place where he came along with nine other family members to see me. We then started chatting and our calls would go on for hours.
I don't know when I fell in love with this talkative guy. He was very caring, protective and a straightforward guy. And I knew my life would be very good with him. We loved meeting each other or talking for hours at a stretch. But things did not go well between our families because of dowry matters and my parents even called and told them to cancel the match.
But we, on the other hand, found it very difficult to let go of each other because we loved each other so deeply and shared a strong bond on and off we would try not talking to each other but eventually we would end up missing each other even more and again start talking. Our relationship continued for almost 8 months without my parents finding out and I would somehow cancel other matches. One fine day, I told my parents of my love for this guy and that we still talk to each other, and that I'm sure my life will be full of happiness with him. My parents behaved very badly with me by not talking to me and not leaving any chance to scold and degrade me. I bore it all with the help of my lover who gave me emotional support, but it began taking a toll on my health.
I started gaining weight because of stress and got some other major health issues also. As a last resort, knowing that he will not be treated right in my house when he comes to convince my parents and ask my hand in marriage, we broke up. It was a painful decision for both of us. My parents found a groom according to their taste- a well-settled boy from a well-settled family.
I did not have the courage to run away with him, I obeyed my parents and got married to the person of their choice, and my lover was aware of this. I know how much it would pain him but I could do nothing. During my wedding ceremony, I decided to forget my past and start afresh with my husband and that I would pray every day for my ex.
Everything went well during the initial days of the marriage. Then I had to return to my mother's place due to work commitment. My husband belongs to another city. I once texted my ex to check on his well being. I cared for him and had a guilt of leaving him alone. I realised he still loves me and cares for me.
We began chatting and calling, but this time as friends and well-wishers. Talking to him always makes my day better and both of us experience a kind of inner happiness. My husband, on the contrary, is a very nice but reserved person who speaks less and always says he's busy. He is never there when I need his support. I sometimes blame the distance between us. So when I wanted to visit him and make things better, he did not want me to come, and always told he will come but never did! The lockdown is making things worse.
I feel so lonely. At times I want to go back in time and change everything. But I am bound by marriage now. I quit my job. The best "achievement" in my life is moving to my husband's place to set things right, but it's fear more than excitement that's driving me.
Some questions constantly run in my mind. Is it right for me to talk to my ex after marriage? Can ex-lovers be friends? Will our partners misunderstand us? Can this secret friendship go on forever? Am I stopping my ex's life (he is not married yet) and preventing him from moving on?