Why I'll Always Regret Cheating On My First Boyfriend And Breaking His Heart

Anonymous Anonymous in Life Is Tough on 5 October, 2017

15 years ago, I moved to Pune for my higher education. I lived in a girls' hostel with many restrictions which were okay at the beginning. Coming from an upper-middle class family, my parents had expectations from me. They gave me almost everything I asked for.

Moving to a new city for studies was my decision, it was a huge decision since I had always lived with my parents and knew nothing about being on my own. I don't know what goes on in our minds at that age, as if you just want to break all the barriers.

I started college and had a really good friend circle, I'd get along with everyone. Even at my hostel, I had many friends and close ones too. I spent a lot of time chatting on the internet, making friends, mostly boys, just chatting in general, nothing more, a few were in Pune and asked to meet when I told them I'm moving there but I was too scared.

Advertisement

Eventually I agreed to meet one of the guys and he was sweet, really sweet. Then we started exchanging messages. There was no whatsapp back then so we had to limit ourselves and play missed call. He would send me sweet love messages and because I'd just got a cell phone and had no idea what forwarded messages are, I thought he was writing them for me and I asked him about it.

He told me they were forwarded messages but I thought why would he send these to me unless he felt something for me? He was dreamy back then or maybe it was just a new feeling for me, we eventually fell for each other.

I started bunking my college to go out with him and he showed me all corners of Pune. It was an amazing year before I found out that I failed in some subjects in my first year of college. I was promoted to the 2nd year but had to clear the 1st year subjects in the upcoming term.

I was under immense pressure and all I wanted was him. This is when we first slept together, I was depressed but just couldn't control myself. That was it, all I wanted was to marry him, I didn't want to study anymore and I dropped out of college after I failed almost all subjects in 2nd year and all my friends started looking down on me (or so I thought).

Advertisement

I wanted to hide myself from everyone especially my parents cause I had shattered their dreams. I felt guilty all the time. They changed my hostel and they agreed to get us married provided I finished my studies. That year, I had had enough and I moved out of the hostel without telling my parents into an apartment that my boyfriend's parents owned and was vacant.

I got a job and started working in a call centre in MNC and was free to earn and spend my own money. In this new world, I met many people who had different stories and did not judge me. That was such a big plus point.

I wanted to leave my past behind and move forward and make a good career in what I do. And, I did! I was one of the best and my boss appreciated me and guided me well. I will forever be grateful to him.

Unfortunately in this new life, I couldn't find a place for my boyfriend. That year, we struggled, I worked night shifts and had many other boys as friends and this obviously bothered him but I never noticed because they were just friends.

In the 2nd year of my job, I came close to my ex-boss who helped me in transitioning into my new team after my promotion and taught me a lot about handling my team.

Advertisement

We were so close, that after one of our office's annual party, we went home together and hooked up. It was wonderful, something I had never experienced before but I felt bad, I kept thinking of my boyfriend and how I cheated on him.

I couldn't bring myself to confess. I was loving this attention from my new lover who would pamper me like a baby and was so gentle with me and seemed to understand me completely. So, after 3 long years of relationship with my 1st boyfriend, I broke up.

It was super hard. I moved out, my new lover helped me find a new place and helped me move. When I saw my ex-boyfriend for the last time, I saw that he knew what I had done but I never confessed. We remained friends but never met.

My new boyfriend (ex-boss) was amazing, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. We moved in a year later and had an amazing time. My parents stopped asking me what I was doing in my life, they knew I had a job and a boyfriend.

They didn't know who was my boyfriend. His parents never visited as well and as both of our parents were out of town, we'd have enough time to move one person out to a friends place if anyone did visit. But no one did, the parents were not ready to know the truth I guess.

From the beginning, he told me he couldn't marry me and I kept thinking I'll change that. It was very exciting, we hid our relationship at work and I loved sneaking around. We were soul mates, we could talk about anything and everything, he would love me, protect me and be with me all the time as we were in the same office.

Advertisement

But there came a time when he got a job in his city and he had to leave, this is when we told our friends about our relationship as it was now safe and we'd have less judgement to deal with. He said we'll make it work, it had been 3 years but what were we working towards? He didn't want to marry me and there were no false hopes so was it time to end our relation?

I was going crazy, I was lonely and I couldn't imagine being with anyone other than him. I was madly in love with him. What could I do to change his mind? 3 years couldn't change it, what was I expecting?

He initially visited me once a month and then the frequency decreased. I knew he loved me a lot. Finally, I decided to quit my job and go back home to my parents as there was no point in living alone. I had enough experience to find a job in Mumbai and I could save a lot more if I stayed with my parents. He helped me immensely during this time, came over and helped me pack and destroy all the things we had together as I knew this was definitely the end of our relation.

When I moved back with my parents, I cried hard, firstly, for missing him and that I could never have him as a life partner. Secondly, I realised life was amazing with my parents (why did I ever move out?).

My parents and I had grown from that phase of nagging and asking too many questions. They now understood I was old enough to make decisions. I finally pursued some of my other dreams such as traveling and dancing. I did a few performances and was so happy with my life that I had finally moved on from him.

Later that year I got married and moved overseas. Now, 7 years later, I'm happily living my life with an amazing husband and a beautiful daughter. I wonder what I did to deserve this beautiful life? I sometimes have dreams about being in my college with my friends and those happy days.

Advertisement

I also have dreams about my ex (boss boyfriend) because there is still love for him somewhere in my heart. Mostly, I feel bad for how I treated my very first boyfriend, how I cheated on him and how I wish I could have just told him the truth.

I know he's still unmarried but I don't know the reason as we're no longer in touch. I think I don't want to know cause I fear I'm the reason. I broke his heart so brutally and into so many pieces that it can't be mended. I am so sorry for what I did.