When You Hate Being A Mother And This Happens

Jessica Sahay Jessica Sahay in Life Is Tough on 15 April, 2017

Before I start, I want to give a fair warning that I am going to say a few things that you may cringe at, want to admonish me for, and pass judgement on. I won't blame you but I think once you have read the whole piece, you may be tempted to change your opinion of me. And if you aren't, it's fine.

I do, however, expect a little respect for my point of view.

I am just going to jump right in and say it. What the hell was I thinking when I decided that I wanted to be a mother? Is being a mother enough? But I am getting ahead of myself here. I didn't always wonder this because it all started out fine. I thought pregnancy was tough with the nausea, never-ending acidity, peeing like nobody's business because my baby apparently was of the opinion that my bladder was a squeeze toy for it to play with.

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Just as I got the hang of that, the baby got an eviction notice from God and was out in this world wailing away. Then came the recovery period after a C-section, which kicked my a**, so to speak (please don't mind my french).

Waking up every 2 hours at night to feed my child amidst all the pain of feeding (all new moms will understand what I am talking about) was supposed to be the most "difficult" time as per every mom I spoke with. However, once the baby eases into feeding, it becomes far less painful or rather painless, as told to me by my friends. And it did.

But why oh why did no one prepare me for the incessant bouts of crying in the evening time just as the sun sets, when your baby refuses to be fed, or sit still or sleep or give even small respite? All she wants is to be held continuously. God forbid if you keep her down for just one moment to stretch yourself. And when you are all alone managing a howling baby who won't shut up for even one minute, so that you can think of what to do, there comes the thought "What the hell was I thinking??!! Why would someone choose to go through this is beyond my comprehension!"

Mind you, I love my daughter to bits and would not trade motherhood for anything. But come on, there has got to be an easier way to get through this phase - the 4th month regression I am told. Alcohol would have been perfect to calm the senses, but alas, can't do that either.

So I resort to writing since I am on the verge of losing my mind and can't even think or hear myself over the howling. After 3 long hours, when she finally does fall asleep and I can lay down on the bed at 9 pm on a Saturday night, all I keep thinking is how is this my life now and how is this fair? I made her, carried her in me for 9 months, and now I can't even figure out what to do to make her stop crying. Am I really going to be such a bad mother? Or more importantly, do I even want to put myself through this everyday? Is it worth it?

Just when I am on the precipice of giving up and throwing in the towel, I hear the tell tale cooing of my girl and I look at her.

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She opens her eyes just for a brief moment, gazes at me and smiles almost as if to tell me "I am sorry Mamma. Be patient with me, I love you and I will try and be better." I feel tears rolling down my cheeks only because I realise now that I am the idiot who let my frustration get the better of me and that seeing my daughter smile is all I ever need to alleviate all my fears, anxiety and doubts about my life.

So now when I ask myself again, what I was thinking when I decided that motherhood was the way to go, I can see the answer clearly in front of me. It was love and love makes the world go round.

Author's Note:

Does this realisation make motherhood suddenly easy? Hell no! But is it worth all the fight and struggle? Definitely! To all the moms out there who see a little bit of themselves in this story but are just too afraid to admit it, it's okay to feel like this. Just remember, you are not alone. Be proud, be strong! We are the #motherhoodwarriors.