When I Realize That I Will Marry And Sleep With Someone Else, I Want To Die

Anonymous Anonymous in Life Is Tough on 23 January, 2018

Love – sounds so deep and comfortable when you are in it but when you have a breakup, it tears you apart and hurts you badly.

When I was not in it and when I didn’t know how a breakup feels, I always wondered, why are people suffering so much? Why is it not easy for them to understand that the other person doesn’t want them anymore, or why is it so hard for them to move on?

I was always on the other side, giving advice and counselling to people to move on, put their chin up and have self-respect.

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"Why do you want to plead with them? You have something better in your life, there’s someone coming for you who can take care of you, love you more and more."

I was never in their shoes and only gave free advice. The time came when I finally fell in love with a person. I did not give him my 100% but 200% of love, affection, effort and attention. He was my world! I couldn’t stay without talking to him for an hour even, flew almost every weekend to be with him (since we stayed in different cities) and the goodbyes before leaving him were so painful.

When I proposed to him the first time, I just flew to his place for 5 hours of stay in my busy work schedule just to see his expression of joy. He was my priority. I put him first and even before me. Everything was perfect!

We decided on what to wear for our engagement and wedding, decided on our engagement rings, the venues, where to travel for our honeymoon and every minute details of our lives. Until this point arrived where we had our misunderstandings and where our families got involved and we had to break up.

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In fact, he was okay with it because at this point in time he was ready to sacrifice me for his parents (respecting their age). I still have no idea why and what are the reasons for the breakup.

It’s been 2 months since we broke up and there is not a single day without me crying. I miss him so much that there are no words to explain the pain. My heart feels like it’s being squeezed. I cry every day after I get up and before I got to bed. However busy I’m with work or with whomever I am, family or friends, I always miss him and he’s always at the back of my head.

When I stay alone, all I can do is think of him, our love and the memories. I cry out loud. I couldn’t get over him and I think I never will. My eyes have sunken and are surrounded by dark circles. I’m unable to take this pain.

My day starts with the songs that he dedicated to me, and though I don’t believe in god I started to pray for his wellbeing. I started to write articles about us and publish them on several sites. Being an artist, I started to paint all our memories. I remember every minute detail of his room and our memories in it when I paint them.

My room was filled with his memories when he visited. I can feel them every day. I sleep only to the side which he slept when he visited my room. I started to grow plants and named them his name, I started to grow fishes and birds and named them after him. I always wear the heart symbol jade pendant which was his first gift to me. No matter how it looks on any dress. I always have it. I loved him more than me.

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I write a diary everyday as if I talk to him. I share my feelings, my day and all my pain with the diary. I may sound insane but I talk to the pets and plants, I take care of them like I take care of him. When everything was going well, I bought designer crockery, each a set of two for both of us. Every time I see them, I break down.

I don’t know whom to share them with. It gives me so much pain when I realize that I have to marry someone else and I almost feel like dying when I understand I have to sleep with someone else in life.

I still follow all the promises I made to him, still take up the challenges and bets we both had. We had a bet about fitness and healthy eating, I go to gym every day and eat salads.

Every single thing between us matters a lot to me. I have no idea if I can love anyone as much as I loved him. I have no idea if I can move on from him and his memories. He is really my world. I miss him so much and no one can ever replace him.

I love him and will love him forever.

Break ups are not so easy until and unless you experience them. Now I don't even know how he is, what he is doing, if everything is good at his end. We don't even have common friends to ask about his well being. I just hope he's doing good.

People say I will always get a better person and he was not right for me. I may get a better person but I’ll never ever get him in my life.
Author's Note:

Sushee! Love you forever and I really miss you so much every day. As I always said if it is not forever it is not love. Take Care!

Editor's Note:

Share this story because a broken heart is irreplaceable until closure is gained.