‘Sunn mere humsafar, Kya Tujhe Itni Si Bhi Khabar Ki Teri Saansein Chalti Jidhar, Rahoonga Bass Wahi Umra Bhar’
This song was playing in the background. It was her favorite song and her favorite would mean it had to be my favorite too. From SRK to Varun, from DDLJ to Badrinath Ki Dulhania, from Arijit to Atif – the list of my favorite things was getting merged with hers. As soon as the song got over, she borrowed my shoulder and went to sleep. That was the best moment of my life. The best thirty minutes of my life – that journey from Exide Crossing to Howrah Station.
The girl I love was sleeping on my shoulder all the way through and I was sitting there dreaming about having a beautiful future with her.
When a person loses color from his life, he seeks refuge in addictions like alcohol and cigarettes. Alcohol and cigarettes make one’s black and white life seem colorful for the next few hours, or possibly one gets too lost to even notice any lack of color. I am also sailing in the same boat now but I have restricted myself to cigarettes only because neither do I have those guts to consume alcohol nor do I have the amount of wealth needed to sponsor it.
The reason behind my addiction is the loss of color from my life. My life was pretty much colorful throughout but when she entered it, those colors became more vibrant. And now, there is total darkness - no color, nothing. My name is Partha and she is my life; I lost her now and I don’t know how to survive anymore.
I was an average student. I wanted to study Hotel Management but my family didn’t allow me. I was forced to study Accountancy Hons after completing my ISC. A few of my friends suggested AJC Bose College and so I took admission there. At that time, I was not aware of the fact that this college was going to have such a big impact on me. I first came across her during our orientation. I was sitting on the third bench. When she entered the classroom, I didn’t pay any attention to her as I was busy goggling at pretty girls, mentally shortlisting those with whom I could have a close friendship. This instance may make you feel that I am a playboy.
Well, one of the reasons for not paying any attention to her was that I have always been attracted to girls who are into fashion and makeup. She was the complete opposite – she had no make up on, wasn’t wearing a dress, she was simply herself. She was wearing a pink top with semi-fit jeans and sneakers, her hair was tied up. She was sitting on the second bench on my row. Our story began here: I was talking to my friend who was sitting just beside me. He asked, “Is this girl Bengali or non-Bengali?” I replied, “Bengali, Bengali.” She reverted suddenly in a firm tone saying that except a few of us, all are non-Bengali.
So that was how my first encounter with her went – brief and unimpressive.
There was a gap of about one month after our orientation. When our regular classes started, we slowly went on to becoming friends, exchanged our numbers.
During this time itself, I realized one thing - There was something in her eyes and in her smile that was pulling me towards her.
Within a very short period of time, we became very close friends. Whenever I came near her, butterflies ran in my stomach, my pulse would increase. I realized that I had fallen in love with her but I couldn’t say that to her in the moment. I started looking forward to college just for her, just to glance at that beautiful smile of hers.
A few months passed by just like this. Within these few months, we visited many places to hang out together, to spend some time with each other after classes. Soon after, puja vacation started – a one month long break. During Durga Puja, we planned to meet. We finalized the plan after some discussion and two of her friends joined us too. When we met, I was just busy staring at her. She looked damn beautiful that day but I didn’t compliment her. As time passed by, we both got busy preparing for our mid-semester exams. After our exams, I decided to confess my feelings towards her.
But I was not sure that whether she is single or not, and I didn’t want to be the possible third wheel in anyone’s love story.
In the meantime, I also started falling for one of my school mates. In fact, I proposed to her on WhatsApp but she refused. Then one day, when we were busy chatting in our college canteen, she asked me out of the blue, “What would you do if you were to fall in love with any one of your friends?” My first reaction after hearing this question was like “Yippee!” and my heart did a happy dance in my chest. I didn’t let it show though, I replied in a composed manner, “I will tell her the truth without any hesitation.” And just like this, again a few months passed by.
February 28th, 2017. Before revealing the significance of this date, I need to share something about my past with you all. After reading my story till here, you must be assuming that I am a playboy who is always on the lookout for girls to pass time with. Well, allow me to prove you wrong there. I am not a playboy, I am a serious person, I too am hungry for true love. I have had two serious relationships in the past, at least they were considered serious from my end. But both of my exes didn’t take me too seriously. The month of February is very unlucky for me. I had lost my grandfather in this month. Both my relationships came to a painful end in this month. I clearly recall that day was a Monday or Tuesday in February and I was returning home from my tuition.
My past collided with my present right there when out of the blue, I bumped into my ex-girlfriend.
She was with her new partner, I asked her why she left. Her answer was quite odd. She said, “You are a very good guy but you are very shy and I don’t like these types of guys.” This answer made me mad. I straight away went to a bar and drank more than I should have. I fell into depression. I forgot about my present and everything that was happening currently. I kept lamenting over my past and got addicted to alcohol. During this time, she tried to make me happy. She tried her best to kick out the depression from my life. She forced me not to have alcohol as it was making me ill by the day. After this, I reduced my alcohol consumption.
I realized that I had totally fallen for her and she is indeed the only one for me, the one I have been searching my whole life for. I decided then, to reveal my true feelings to her.
Then came that day - February 28th, 2017. I cannot ever forget this date. We had our CU MIL exams that day and after our exams were over, one of our friends lost her cell phone. So, we went to a nearby police station to lodge a complaint. When we were returning from the police station, she caught my hand. I didn’t resist her as I was experiencing the best moment of my life.
Our hands seemed sealed together till eternity, in that moment. After I returned home, I could not contain my happiness.
That’s when my life took a big U-turn. That very night, we were having a casual WhatsApp conversation when out of the blue, she said a few words that I was expecting to hear from her for a long time.
Her: My first love was not successful but still I am falling for someone again. What do you think?
Me: If you really love that person then you should go and tell him about your feelings.
Her: For the past few days, I have seen his good and bad side. I like him very much. But does he like me?
After reading this, I could not control myself and revealed my true feelings to her. From her tone, I assumed that she was talking about me so I revealed everything to her but little did I know then that I was mistaken. After hearing all this, she was completely shocked. The next day, she confessed that the previous night she was intoxicated when she said all that to me. We decided to meet near our college to sort out the matter. So, the next day we met. Instead of sorting things out, it became worse for me. She had rejected my proposal. Any other guy would easily handle this rejection and move on eventually. But as for me, it was impossible. I was deeply in love with her. So, I didn’t pay any attention to her rejection. I started talking to her more, we spoke all day long. She spoke about the most personal things with me.
I believe that one should never judge the character of their partner based on virginity. Losing one’s virginity doesn’t mean that he/she would sleep with anybody.
After talking about this sensitive topic, she had also started falling for me but she didn’t reveal her feelings in that moment. She discussed this matter with her friends and decided to publicly propose to me after our CU Selection exams and for the following days, she continued to turn me down. I, on the other hand, decided to consult my friend (who is an expert in such things) on her behavior. This was the biggest mistake of my life. He advised me to insult her.
According to him, if I insulted her, then she might reveal her true feelings for me. At first, I was hesitant. It was like stabbing the one person whom I love immensely. But I was blinded in my love for her and felt that I had no other options left.
As I was helplessly in love, I followed the only ray of hope I had and sent an insulting message to her. My friend was right to some extent. After receiving my message, she revealed her true feelings for me. She confessed that she had also started loving me but after receiving my text, she started hating me. I was completely shattered. She immediately blocked me on every online platform without giving me any chance to explain myself. The next day we had our exams. So, I tried to talk to her in college before our exam but it was of no use.
After the exam was over, I somehow managed to talk to her. I explained to her the whole scenario but she was not ready to accept me as her lover. She did unblock me on WhatsApp but only placed me as her friend. Still, I didn’t lose hope. A few days later, the most colorful festival, Holi, began. We decided to celebrate Holi together in college.
She told me that she would be the first one to apply color on my face. I was very happy upon hearing this. And yes, she was the first one who applied color on my face that Holi. I thought that this can mark a new beginning. Once again, I attempted to break the ice.
Yet again, I was wrong and I realized it when are exams were getting over. On the last day of our exams, she messaged me saying that she was going to block me forever and that she will never talk to me ever again in her life.
This shook my world. I couldn’t imagine my life without her. I begged her. I even promised her that I will never talk about love. I will obediently remain just her friend.
And so, she believed me and gave me a second chance. But yet again, I tried to melt her heart this time too. I decided to take it from the top this time, to start right from the very beginning. First comes casual friendship, then moving on to becoming close friends, gaining her trust and finally, proposing to her. I started to work on my game plan and everything was going smoothly. We met a couple of times to spend some time, but I felt that was my mistake. I was quite normal while we had conversations on Whatsapp.
But when we met, my eyes gave it away. She figured out that I was faking the friendship, that I still loved her.
Even then, I did not back down or lose hope. I made yet another plan to convince her that I was just her friend and nothing else. One of my friends gave me a dare where I had to upload his/her photo on Whatsapp with a caption. I randomly uploaded a few of my female school mates’ pictures. But this plan backfired. As a result, she blocked me on every social media platform. I tried to contact her but it was of no use. Then, after requesting her friend to help me, she unblocked me.
This blocking-unblocking modern-day relationship hide and seek still continues.
Sometimes I get very angry but I have no other option left. According to her, she doesn’t love me anymore. But whenever I upload pictures with any of my other female friends, she gets insecure.
I understand her feelings but I never ask her about it.
She even tried to get me out of her life just for my sake because I was falling into depression. One day, she lied to me that she had accepted someone in her life. These words seemed like thunderstorm to me. I cried a lot that day.
But then I convinced myself that finding happiness in your loved ones’ joy is what life is about after all.
So, I accepted the harsh reality and moved my focus towards my studies. When I started working hard on myself, she confessed the truth. She told me that to make me happy, she lied to me. She never had any boyfriend. There is a saying, ‘Where there is a will, there is a way.’ Once again, I forgot everything and started to work on things between us. But every single time, I failed to do so. I am still trying to get her back in my life.
Love - a small four letter word that has a mighty meaning.