We Were Planning To Get Married But Then He Decided That His Ex Was Better Than Me

Anonymous Anonymous in Life Is Tough on 26 January, 2018

I have always wanted to experience true love in my life and so preferred love marriages over arranged marriages. I used to feel so good whenever I saw my friends’ relationships leading to marriages. They were so happy with their married lives.

I also dreamt of having a caring boyfriend/husband.

I work in the IT sector. A new guy joined our project. I met him in the office during the lunchtime when a mutual friend introduced us. I felt very positive after talking to him.

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He was a decent gentleman kind of a guy. We got along well with each other so we soon became good friends.

Our friends started teasing us now. Such things usually happen in college so initially, it did not affect me much. But as days passed, we both started liking each other. We could feel that there was some kind of a connection between us. We did not discuss anything though. One day our friends planned a bike trip on a weekend.

It was at this time that I came to know that he already had a girlfriend. I felt a little bad but I accepted the reality.

We had not yet got around to discussing our previous relationships with each other. He told me the details of his relationship with his girlfriend when we had gone on a site visit. He said he had not considered getting married to her seriously because he had met her only three months back through a mutual friend. He said he had been alone in the city at that time so they had started dating. He then said that he had started liking me now. I had also started liking him by now because we got along well.

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We understood each other and I had never felt like this in my previous relationship. I explained this to him but also told him that we couldn’t be in a relationship as he was already in a relationship with another person. I told him that we could either remain friends or stop talking to each other.

He started crying. He told me that he was not in a serious relationship with his girlfriend because she was cheating on him. He said that he had found out about this on Facebook. I felt very bad for him. He was an emotional guy. But after a few days, he broke up with his girlfriend. It looked quite normal to me because she was cheating on him. So I thought it was good that they broke up. She had blocked him. 

Then we started dating. We had a good time in our relationship. Everything was so perfect in our relationship.

He was emotional and I took good care of him because I was an emotional but practical girl.

Now, our parents started asking us to consider getting married. We decided to tell our parents about our relationship. We belong to different cultures. He is a Maharashtrian and I am a Rajasthani. He told me that his parents were cool people so I would not have any problems at all. He then said that we would anyway be living in a different city.

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I agreed to follow all his cultural norms but I was worried about his mother tongue. He assured me that he would always be with me. He said that he would always talk to me in Hindi or translate things for me whenever it was required.

I was convinced and told my parents about him.  They were happy and wanted to meet him. We planned a meeting for both our families. Everything went on well. Our families were busy checking out whether our horoscopes matched and I was so excited about the whole thing.

But I noticed that he was not very happy about the whole thing. I tried asking him about it but he always said he was under pressure at work. As days passed we started fighting over trivial things.

I refused to visit a place with him because I was suffering from cold. He got hurt and told me that I did not care about his feelings. I told him that I could not always accompany him whenever he planned an outing but I would not decline his invitations every time too. I had always accompanied him earlier.

For me, the matter was closed after we had fought about it or discussed it. But he would always bring it up in every other fight that we had.

He then told me that he wanted to watch a Marathi movie. I was not too interested in it. So he got hurt. I convinced him and told him that I would watch the movie with him. I had always told him not to pressurize me about learning Marathi. I wanted to learn it naturally at my own pace. But he was indirectly pressurizing me about such things.

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He told me that his parents were expecting me to learn Marathi within 4 or 5 months. Initially, he had created an impression in my mind that his parents were cool people. But I figured out that his parents were not so cool.

I now started feeling that he was only thinking of his family. He never talked or thought about my family. I too had a family. I did not have a brother so I too expected him to become a good son. Since we were fighting so much about such things, we told our parents to put the process of finalizing the wedding date on hold.

He always knew that I was a short-tempered person. But now he suddenly had issues with that too. He would say that he could handle my anger and mood swings. But now he had a different view and told me that his parents too were short tempered. So he wondered how he would manage all of us. He said he would be sandwiched between my parents and me.

He did not like my practical nature. For him his emotions were everything.

We almost broke up and I was feeling very sad. But I wanted to give our relationship one more shot. I was willing to learn Marathi in 3- 4 months, think about his happiness and agree to all that he said even if I was not too keen on it.

I went to his house and told him that I was willing to discuss the expectations that we had of each other once more. But he got angry. He told me that this was not a project with terms and conditions. He said we were talking about love and we should be doing things for each other.
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The first thought that came to my mind was, “What are you doing for me? I am going to become a part of your family – is it wrong to expect a little support from you?”

I did not want to keep a count of all that I had done for him. But I knew that I had done a lot for him. I had supported him emotionally and financially.  But I did not say anything because I did not want to make any more compromises. We finally broke up that day. I told my parents to cancel all the plans that they were making for the wedding. It was a tough night and I cried a lot.

He called the next day and we just started talking casually. I was strong because I had already accepted things He told me that he had started missing his ex-girlfriend now. He said he had tried to message her too but she was angry and was not responding to him.

He then told me that he should never have left her because she had been willing to do everything for him unlike me. He said we had so many differences regarding culture and language. He then went on to say that he had left her for silly reasons and he realized his mistake now.

I told him, “But you told me that she was cheating on you!” He said, “She was in a relationship with a married guy before she entered into a relationship with me. So it could not actually be considered as cheating. Anyway, the past should always remain in the past. And I think she did not tell me about it because she did not want me to know about her past. But she was not good looking and was dusky. So I thought that our kids might be dusky too."

I was totally shocked when I heard all this. I wondered how a person could leave a girl for such reasons.

I felt that he had moved on from our relationship but was still stuck in his past. He was trying really hard to apologize to her and wanted to marry her. But she was not responding to him.

Sometimes, I wonder if he ever loved me. I am totally lost now. I just divert my mind with my work and keep myself busy all the time.
Editor's Note:

If we expect all our expectations to be met all the time, we are being really unfair to our partners. Both partners should willingly nurture their relationship by making compromises whenever it is necessary. As long as we understand each other very well, compromising should not be that big a deal.  It can even bring us closer. Do share this story because often such simple things elude us and we end up hurting our partners without even realizing it.