I just completed my graduation. I was finally an engineer but I didn't know at that time what to do with my life. Take up the job I had in hand, join my family business or go to states for further studies. Being a musician at heart, I always played with the idea of doing my post graduation in the states where I could take music as a minor subject along with my major. I even gave the GRE and scored pretty well but going abroad was not in my fate.
My grandmother was against the idea of sending the apple of her eye to a foreign country. According to her I was too dependent on maids and servants to live alone.
I gave CAT. I didn't score high enough to get into the IIMs but I scored enough to get a good college. I chose Amity noida. I had many choices and I don't know what made me choose Amity, maybe I was destined to be there. And there, it all started.
First day of college and I saw her, a pretty face, seemed like a nakchidi girl and I thought to myself that in these 2 years we won't be friends ever, but I was wrong. I used to call her Rags. 1 or 2 weeks later, we were just hanging out in the class, making jokes and having fun, and at the end of the lecture she asked her friend for my name. In the evening I sent her a friend request on Facebook and she accepted. As a classmate I asked for her number.
A few days later I dropped her a Whatsapp message asking for her help for a presentation and I genuinely needed it. From that day onwards I don't know how we became close friends, we started sharing our secrets, gave each other nicknames. In a few days, we were talking all day, even late at night. She would scold me and shout at me if I bunked or missed classes without telling her and I didn't realise I was falling for her.
One day, after gathering the courage and hoping that this wouldn't change things between us, I told her about my feelings. At first she thought I was joking, but when she realised I was serious, she said she had to go somewhere. When at night we were talking she didn't bring up the topic again. So I let it go.
Next morning I was not well so I didn't go to college but I didn't tell her that I was not coming. She must've looked for me in class and then asked my friends where I was. When I checked my phone there were a bunch of missed calls and texts from her. I replied saying I was at home and I cannot forget her reply ever, she said "are you crazy? Are you stupid? Batana ni hota aapko college nhi aaoge. Phone bhi nahi pick kar rahe the. I got scared."
She was attending classes and I was home. She was taking time to reply to my texts as she didn't want to get punished for texting in between the class. So I asked her if she liked me too.
I remembered once I was walking with her towards the college gate and one of her childhood friends said, "Is he the guy?" Looking towards me. I don't know but I was sure she liked me too. That night I again told her about my feelings but this time on a call and not on text. She is one of those girls who could talk about anything over texts but not over the phone.
The first question she asked me was "Are you serious? You are my closest friend in college and I don't want to lose you" I assured that I was serious. Then she sent me screenshots of her chats with friends where even her friend said she liked me. Finally she accepted my proposal but she said she needed time before getting committed because it was a huge deal for her.
Everything was good between us. Then 2 weeks later I said "You've taken enough time." I don't know why I said that. She said she did like me but her father didn't like Baniyas. I was a Baniya and she was a Punjabi. Still nothing changed between us. We were not committed yet we behaved like a couple. Caring for each other, fighting over small things.
I even remember keeping a 9 day fast for navratra because she kept it. Then tragedy struck. Her grandmother was very ill. She was very close to her. One night she called me and started crying then she hung up because she wanted to sleep. She was not taking my calls. I was up all night and was worried and my hands were shivering. I realised I really loved this girl. A week later her grandmother passed away. She was thinking of leaving college. But then she didn't. We had our exams.
One night she texted me late, "thank you for everything. You are a blessing to me. Stay with me always." This moment I knew she was mine. And I planned to propose to her.
But I thought I’ll do it after the exams. This was my mistake. Next day I got to know that a friend of mine had passed away. I was shattered as he was my childhood friend. I turned my phone off without telling her. Two days later when I turned my phone on, there were many texts from her.
When I spoke with her I got to know that her ex had found out about me and he was pestering her. Her ex was a stupid guy who could not digest the fact that she had moved on. And he kept making her feel guilty. She blocked me saying she needed sometime for herself. Then a day later we talked, she said she felt guilty and she didn't know what to do. I was having problems of my own and I ended up asking her friends about all this. Her friend said she had no feelings for me ever. I was heartbroken. We fought and it ended our friendship.
Other people took advantage of the situation and told her a bunch of lies and she believed them. Now we don't even look at each other, talking is a far fetched dream. I went for a 40 day study abroad programme to forget her. We spoke with each other when we were in Singapore. She told me about her friend who broke up with a guy because she liked a guy in Amity and now that guy had gone to Singapore. I knew she was talking about me.
I came back and we started talking again. We became friends like we used to be. But now she was more concerned about how people saw us rather than me or our friendship and because of that we had a huge fight that couldn't be resolved.
We stopped talking. But few days later I don't know why I texted her and she replied saying "I miss you". I was rude and mean but she told me she was not well, she had medical tests the following day. It scared the hell out of me. When her reports came, everything was normal but she Googled her problem and some stupid website said it was a benign tumour. I scolded her. But finally things were getting back to normal. We started clearing out our misunderstanding.
Everything was good again but life took a strange turn. Her father was finding a groom for her but she didn't want that. Everyone was supporting her father. Her mother had passed away when she was in 9th standard. Even her massi, who was like a mother to her supported her father. In between all of this, she got really frustrated and it all came out on me. She didn't like that I smoked. I picked up the habit when I went to Singapore. It was my way to cope with my feelings for her. She would scold me. We applied for higher studies to the same company but I didn’t get through. We both wanted to be located in the same company.
One night she said she wanted to talk to me. I knew it was something serious. She said "All of my friends know that papa is my biggest priority. His happiness is my biggest priority. I don't know but I might have to meet the guy. I don't know what will happen. But I just want to say if something happens I want you to move on. I want you to come to my wedding with a girl. And she shouldn't have problems with us being friends."
I don't know what it meant. I confessed my feelings and she said we had no future together. We stopped talking after that. I tried a lot but she didn't. Then one day she asked my friend to tell me she was engaged. I was completely shattered.
It's been months. I avoid seeing her. I avoid attending classes that we have together. I act like she doesn’t exist. Even she does the same. In fact she went around talking shit about me just so her so-called friends and our classmates didn't think she ditched me. I don't know if I hate her or not but what I know is that I still love her like I used to.
There are so many questions I have in my head that I have no answers to. I know she doesn't either and I might have to live my whole life with these questions. I don't know if I will ever fall in love again but if I do, I want that girl to be just like her.