Two Failed Relationships Have Left Me Drained Of The Energy To Love Again

Anonymous Anonymous in Life Is Tough on 7 August, 2018

I was just starting to become the normal carefree girl that I used to be earlier when I met him. I was trying to cope up from a recent breakup. He was my colleague, an average looking guy. I thought of him as arrogant initially. Later I found him to be a joyful person, exactly the opposite of what I had thought. Though our numbers got exchanged, I had no plans of keeping in touch with him more than what was required as colleagues. And I didn’t even expect him to message me first. But he did text the very next day.

I was literally taken aback with the way he chatted. He was chatting very comfortably. Something inside me warned me to keep a distance from this guy. So I didn’t give him proper replies.

He sensed something wrong and apologised to me the next day. I felt he was genuine. Soon we became friends and used to chat almost every day. He was aware of my past relationship. We were very comfortable, we used to share almost everything. Every now and then I would tell him, “don’t dare propose to me”. In fact, I was worried as I didn’t want to spoil our friendship. But he would laugh off saying he had no intentions of doing that. I forgot to mention he is from a different state and our castes were also different. Even if we had something between us, there was no chance of us staying together for long. My fear came true on the day when I noticed him to be gloomy, not cracking jokes as he used to. I could sense his eyes on me all the time. I wished I was wrong. But no, he did it at last. He proposed to me on chat one day. I was prepared for this. I was not ready for another relationship and we never had a chance, was all I thought. I rejected him but I didn’t want to hurt him. I knew I would be doing that if we remain friends. I asked him to move on but he asked me one thing. It was to retain our friendship and to never leave him alone. I really wanted him to be happy and I couldn't deny him this. During this time, I left my job. So now we were not seeing each other anymore. I thought this would bring an end to our friendship. But what happened was exactly the opposite.

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We became more close. His parents were looking for alliance during this time. He saw a girl and the match got fixed.

I didn’t want to continue our friendship even more now. I know he loved me. And more than that, I could feel myself getting closer to him, which I dreaded. He would propose me daily. But I kept on rejecting even more now as his alliance was fixed. But he asked me to continue our relationship until his marriage. I wanted to remain with him as a friend. I never knew I would fall for him. We had late night chats and video calls, we even had romantic talks. As his engagement day came closer, I was aware of the uneasiness inside me. I wanted him to propose me again, but he didn’t, even though he would say he loves me. I realised that I loved him too, perhaps more than anyone else. But I kept it buried in my heart and wished him all the best. I think he also knew that I loved him. I broke apart when he sent me a picture of his engagement outfit. But I didn’t show him what I truly felt. He got engaged. I broke down seeing his pictures. He sensed it and I ended up confessing even though I didn’t wish to. But he was happy that at least I confessed. He came back to being normal. We had our regular chats. We even expressed our love for each other. I could sense it was wrong. He was engaged now. That's when my insecurities cropped up. I didn't know what to do. I confronted him.

He said he can't do anything now and he didn't want to go against his family. I tried to move on but couldn't.

Whenever his message would come, I’d have that thousand-watt smile on my face. I knew I loved him deeply. Then he used to share things about his fiance also. Once I asked him, whether he loved her, he said: "you are my heart, but she is my responsibility”. He loved me, but couldn't do anything about it. I was angry at him for igniting my feelings when I tried to bury them. More than that, I was angry at myself for falling in love once again, crashing my whole world. All this while, I was suffering inside. My mom could sense something was wrong. Following week was our festival. He sent me a message wishing me and following it was another message saying, don’t message me again, and then he blocked me. I could feel something breaking inside me.

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My parents noticed the change in me. I was diagnosed with moderate depression and had suicidal tendencies.

Later I came to know that day he had gone to see his fiance. How could he think that I will break his marriage? In fact, he was the one who messaged me all the while before his engagement and expressed his feelings even after his engagement. Whenever I wanted to stop, he wanted to continue. How could anyone claim to be in love with one person and fall in love with another so soon? I really don't know. Maybe it was not 'love' for him. But for me, it was and always will be. I can’t blame him fully because I am also equally responsible for my condition now. I should have controlled my feelings.

Author's Note:

I have experienced 2 failed relationships in my life, now I don't think i have the courage to fall in love anymore.

Editor's Note:

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