True Love Isn't About Profit Or Loss, So I Let Her Go

Happi Kapoor Happi Kapoor in Life Is Tough on 8 November, 2017

I was in love with a girl who was very different from me. It was in 2004 when I first saw her, I was in a coffee shop with my friends when she walked in with her friend. She is very different from other girls, very simple. She was wearing a blue top, and she caught my attention right away. Luckily, she was one of my friends’ classmate and I asked my friend for her number, but she said that this girl is not my type. I asked her to tell me what she means by that.

I was quite shy, and I come from a small town and have never been to college or spoken to other girls much. She told me that this girl is quite like me, and would not talk or reply to my messages even if I tried.

So I tried and I got lucky because my name coincided with someone she knew. I could not believe my luck, this was just like they show in the movies. I got a kick start right away. I started to talk to her on the phone and after few days I told her the truth. She didn't believe me at first, but later she did. And I had no bad intentions or anything of that sort, ours was a very clean friendship and I was very sure I would never fall in love with her. But I had no clue then about exactly what I was getting into. Days passed and we started talking pretty regularly. After a few days, I started talking to her at night too, and eventually, we would talk all night. She loved singing but didn't have a very good voice, even then I loved her singing. It is funny that I had started liking her voice, her questions, and whatever she did. It had all started playing in my head like a movie reel, if I skipped talking to her, I would get restless. Time started flying, days turned into weeks and weeks into months.

Advertisement
It was just too beautiful to be true.

Even though we got very close, I had never met her, and only seen her once, that too from a distance. She had never seen me. This sounds crazy huh? Now coming back to me, I was a very simple person and I was doing very well for myself. I lost my father at a very young age and in my family, I had a younger sister, mom and grandmother living away from me back in my hometown. I was living with my uncle and aunt who were very supportive, and I was doing well in my business. Also, I have not completed my schooling. Since then, I had only one aim in mind - to became a very successful businessman, and I was doing quite well so I became one pretty soon.

Then, all of a sudden, my good luck started to change. At the same time, my bond with her was becoming stronger by the day.

She was cute, funny, silly, shy. It is hard to explain her in one word. She was kind of mysterious, at least this is what I thought but later I realized that she was in fact very simple, and only needs to be loved. Oh, I adored her! I knew that I was falling for her, and I was not sure if she knew about my feelings or felt the same about me. She was my best friend, who would never fail me and stand beside me like a rock, in good times and bad times. At least, that's what I thought.

Advertisement
We were friends for more than two years and I knew her moods, her likes, her dislikes, her songs, her dresses, her taste and I even knew how to make her laugh. It was the most peaceful thing on earth seeing her laugh, an absolute delight it was. It would ease all my pain, my tensions would dissolve, and I felt happy seeing her laugh, it was like seeing angels laughing, like a kind of blessing from above.

I could see deep into her eyes and I felt it was deeper than the ocean. Her smile would light me up, boost my confidence; all I wanted was to sit there and look at her smiling, and laughing at all my silly jokes. Her place was perfect in my life but at this point, she never knew what I felt about her. I guess maybe she knows now, but I am not sure. After some time passed, I felt even more drawn and attracted towards her. I just knew that it was the right time to confess my feelings, but the biggest gamble of all was that, what if she says 'no'?

Frankly, I was not scared because it is said that when you truly love someone so purely and deeply, it does not matter if they love you back, because this is not a business deal. There is no profit or loss involved in love. Love is unconditional, it does not see what you receive in return.

For me, her happiness is what matters, whether it was with me or without me. Seeing her being happy would make me happy. Seeing her smiling, laughing and being happy with someone else, is indeed very painful and difficult but it is worth it because, for me, her happiness is more important than how I feel. So on one full moon night, I decided that I am going to confess my love to her and propose her. Well, we had our share of differences too. She is a vegetarian and I am a non-vegetarian, I smoke and drink and love to gamble, I take huge risks in the stock market. I was not the kind of prospect her parents had in mind for her. Nor did she want someone like me. In fact, I was very a far cry from what they had in mind, but still, I decided to give it a shot. I called her by the bay on a full moon evening and I proposed her. Yes, I finally did it. She said to me that we had no future and that her parents were looking for a suitable match for her. I was completely heartbroken from inside but I didn't let it show. I asked her that until she has time, could she give me a chance to love her as we may not have a future together but it won't hurt us both to attempt this. I was looking straight into her eyes and holding her hands as I said this, with my heart beating at the fastest pace ever. After thinking about it for a while, she agreed. And we were in love with each other, mutually, for the first time. I still don't know whether what I did was the right thing or not. It was just sheer bliss for us, after that. Our love started growing on me, and she was looking at me as if an arrow had been shot on us from a cupid.

A few days later, I had my first kiss. I hugged her tight on a private beach, it felt as if I was in heaven. I was kissing, hugging and cuddling her, she had become my passion. My love was short lived, it lasted for a few months only.
Advertisement

After my birthday, a few days later, she broke the news to me that her parents were looking for a suitable match for her. I was heart-broken, it felt like lightning had struck me. I didn't know what to do. And the worst part was that no one knew about us, neither my friends nor hers. We couldn't share our pain and sorrows with anyone. It was that bad. I kept thinking if there would be a way out of this mess. Then she asked me one day, are you willing to marry me? Oh, yes I was ready but all I needed was time. She said that it is not possible. We discussed this and mutually decided that the best thing was to part ways. So we did. We broke up. Like they say, all good things come to an end. So did our love. But deep down, in my heart, I knew it was not over yet. I was damn sure of my love, and I was certain that she would wait for me. But during this time, my business started going down badly. She knew it all, that I had a bad financial crunch and it was the worst time of my life. I had never imagined things would take this road. I was very low on confidence and trouble kept popping up from everywhere.

And now this had to happen, this was the time I needed her the most as I was away from my mother and my family too, she was all I had.

I couldn't tell her anything, couldn’t ask her to stay even though she knew my position. I asked her once again if I could speak to her parents and she said that it would be of no use, as they wouldn't approve of me. After that, her behaviour changed and so did her phone number. I kept thinking, ‘How could it get over so fast? Was it just the money I lost or was it because we kept it a secret by not telling anyone? Or was it the wrong person that I had loved? Or was I wrong somewhere and I didn't know?’ I kept thinking and trying to find an answer. A few weeks later, she got married. I was happy for her.

I got into depression and started taking hardcore drugs, binged on alcohol but I could not seem to find any solace whatsoever.

She has now been married for ten years and has two children. She lives with her husband in the same town as me. We started talking to each other as friends again, a few years back and till date, we have managed to stay in touch. She has even invited me to party with her husband and friends. But the sad part is that she will never understand how difficult it is for me to see her with someone else. I wish that she could see my tears and pain, with what I go through every day. I am waiting for it to get over but these pain and sorrows never seem to end.

I am still single and happy by myself. There is no room in my life for anyone because I don't need anybody. I have gotten too used to being by myself. I found a best friend inside me so I love spending time by myself. It is safe in here. I won't hurt myself. I wish I could also move on like she did. I wish I could also forget everything like she did.
Author's Note:

It still feels like yesterday, the freshness of the smell of your skin, my shoulders below your chin. Well, you forgot me and I didn't, that is my sin. I am still in love with you and I will always be.

Editor's Note:

Share this story out of respect for people who have been in a selfless and all-consuming kind of love.