To The One I‘m Trying Hard to Let Go: I'm Not Sorry

Anonymous Anonymous in Life Is Tough on 6 July, 2017

Dear Ex-Love,

What an incredible journey it was… three years of bliss! I sometimes blame myself for all the right things that went wrong. It was my mistake to have you as my first priority, an over expectation to listen to your voice when I missed you. What a drama queen I was when I cried when you hurt me. In today’s world, how could I share an opinion or voice my views when my actions were directed by you? Shh!! Keep it inside you my ladies. The world hasn’t changed much.

Ironically, I’m yet to learn the art of letting go, hence treasure my love for him till date. I’m scared I can never be good enough (blame my insecurity). Well, I was raped and he knew it and chose to stay. Lucky me right? I felt the same each time he pinpointed it when in a fight, his saga of adjustments to be with me despite my heinous incident. Of course, he made a sacrifice, reiterating an incident I wanted to erase off my memory. So what if I wanted to ride on my new dreams, travel once or twice a year. Oops!! How can I even think of travelling; I’m a woman, a gender that needs permission to dream as well?

And, I’m so lucky to have a guy who feels insulted to introduce me in public because I’m FAT, irrespective of the fact that there’s a medical reason to it. “I don’t care what your reasons are. You are fat. How can I introduce you?” his words ring in my ears.
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We'd had multiple breakups, of course, I was to be blamed for everything as I was imperfect and made mistakes. I begged for forgiveness each time and he was this Samaritan who accepted me with open arms. Oh yes! His love was unbounded and it still is. His expectations were sky-high and I, the unfortunate soul, couldn’t align my behavior and actions in accordance to his checklist, which led to quarrels. He was the ideal partner who made me laugh and die silently each day.

I’m sorry baby… sorry for not listening to you despite the fact that you know what’s best for me. Perhaps, I wanted something that I felt right. I’m sorry I’m fat because my stomach won’t listen to me. I’m sorry I can’t be dumb when blamed for nothing. I’m sorry I have a spine that can’t bend according to your will (and your family).

I’m sorry you expected me to be a puppet; my brains don’t permit it. I’m sorry I don’t adjust with everything like your sister; my happiness means something as well.

I’m sorry that my dad spoke wrongly about you and your family, so what if you and your mom did the same. I’m sorry I chose to be vocal when you verbally abused me and my family each day. There’s a difference between insulting (my dad did) and swearing (you are doing it) and I hope you understand that. I’m sorry for being blunt; for being rude when you expected respect for doing wrong. I’m sorry I can’t be a hypocrite. 

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I’m sorry for being an extrovert and jovial person; I can’t be a robot. I’m sorry but I’m not a bi***, I was raped and I didn’t sleep around. You were the only guy I got intimate with from my heart. I’m willing to sacrifice and adjust as long as it makes me happy but I can’t hang around with you and your family as whatever I do shall never be enough for you.

I was ok with the insult, abuse and swears, hoping for a change some day, going back to the old US. But with time the hope faded away. My tears and pain made me suicidal. You gave me nightmares, leaving me shattered and depressed. The fear is so intense that I’m afraid I may not be able to accept any other guy.

I finally put my foot down. You will always hold a place in my heart but I’d prefer maintaining a distance. You don’t deserve me and though I know I can’t move on but I shall surely live without you and not die. The only hope I cling on to is, YOU shall miss me some day and I won’t be next to you.

Love,
ME.